This is my satirical news article about pirates, in the style of, (but not copied from) The Onion.
PIRATES MAKE UNINTELLIGIBLE DEMANDS
CARTAGENA, New Spain -- Cartagena, the richest city on the Spanish Main, has been seized by a cutthroat crew of approximately 500 pirates, who are holding the community for a ransom not known at press time due to difficulty deciphering the pirates' speech.
"Arrrr," Billy Leach Bloodblade told reporters. "If'n ye be wishin' to save yer capital unburnt, ye'd best yield up a squall full o' pretties, by thunder!" Efforts to determine how much one "squall" might be, or what might constitute a "pretty" proved unsuccessful.
Upon being presented with a chest full of silver and gold coins, Captain Gorch Savage called a press conference. "Shiver me timbers," Savage stated. "Avast yon scanting swag! We'll not stand for the offing afore ye lay landside and haul up fairer purchase. Arrrrr!" Savage is then reported to have swashed his buckler; requests for a more detailed description of this behavior have not yet been answered.
Bosun Scratch Bourbon attracted great attention on the weekend when he issued a demand which Cartagena residents thought they had deciphered.
"I'll be ready to set sail," Bourbon said, immediately catching the townsmen's attention with that phrase, "when ye gi' me a fine, pretty pink wi' two long nines, white t'gans'ls and her deadeyes dark and tight." After extensive consultation, the Cartagenians interpreted this as a demand for a comely female, and they introduced Bourbon to 19-year-old Anita Suarez, who had expressed an admiration for the pirate's appearance. However, Mr. Bourbon reacted by running Miss Suarez through with his cutlass and storming off in apparent disgust, leaving Cartagenians still unsure of the actual object of his desire.
Earlier this Thursday, Mr. Bloodblade reportedly announced to the citizens, "I'll be broached to! It's befogged as younkers ye are, and scurvy swabs too!" Mr. Bloodblade was then immediately attacked by his fellow buccaneer Dirk Fathom, who inflicted minor injuries with a weapon apparently called a "marlinespike." It appears that Mr. Fathom may have misunderstood Mr. Bloodblade's meaning, as the two shortly stopped fighting, shook hands, and parted as friends.
Yesterday's reports of a final ransom demand from pirate leader Mace Hornswoggle are now discounted; current reports indicate that Mr. Hornswoggle had hawked up some phlegm, which was misinterpreted as an attempt at speech.