Inigo Montoya

Montoya's shoulders sag in resignation. He takes the pen proffered by Elvira and turns to the documents. However, he pauses, frowning over the paperwork, now sodden from Joaquin's drenching. The wetted ink has flowed into a largely illegible mass of black. Only a few scattered letters and words remain: "<long illegible smear>...Inigo Mont... <more dripping black> ... said ... <big blur> ... to Elvira ... <faded> ... bi ... te ... me.....<the rest completely run together and obscured>" He looks up sharply at Elvira. "Jou tryin' to pool a fast one? I not signing thees. No telleeng whad' I be agreeing to!"

Inigo shifts uncomfortably on the balls of his feet, reddens slightly, but with raised eyebrows and slight nods, continues casting significant glances from Rumba Rue to Elvira and her henchboys and back again, gesturing with an ill-shielded index finger. He whistles harder.

Inigo threads through the flailing bodies and positions himself just to the side of the table nearest the fighting. When nobody appears to be looking, Inigo gives the table a not-so-subtle nudge. It goes over with a characteristic crash and clatter of crockery. Rumba sticks an angry head out of the back room. The combatants freeze, looking surprised, embarrassed and guilty. Inigo, whistling tunelessly in the sudden silence while a look of angelic innocence suffuses his countenance, rolls his eyes meaningfully and points a covert, accusing finger in the direction of Elvira and "the boys."

Inigo gingerly eases the dagger point away from his jugular and warily eyes Rosarita's injuries. "Rosie, I sorry jou get messed up, but I deed warn jou! What deed I say before I leave for here, eh? 'Jou weel naiver fin' a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.' Dat whad' I say! But do jou stay away an' let de Pirate Hunter™ do hees work? No, jou waltz een here and get ever'boady all worked up about the -- um, beeg theeng in de water! How I supposed to provide for our keeds -- no wait... um... whose keeds are dose again? ...well, somebody's keeds, anyway ... when jou start getting de whole pub eenterested in getting a share? Before long, dey gon' t'ink dey own my monedas so much, dey espect me to buy dem all dreenks!" "Den, I go out lookeeng for a new place to bury de -- (he halts, eyes sliding melodramatically in both directions, and places one hand aside his mouth) ... de treasure... before dese roaffians get dere hans on eet, and JOU theenk it mean me foolin' aroun'! I tell jou true, Rosie, all I see dere is a bonch of hot sand and a likely lookeeng cliff. (See, when jou buries a treasure, jou make a mark on de cliff, so's jou can comb back later and find eet. Dey call dat 'cliff notes'.)" "Dat all. A hot beach and a cliff. Not'ing else. Well, h'okay, I deed look twice when a pair of dirty socks wid' no feet in dem go ronning past ... but odder den dat, not'ing."

Dat's not a smile, dat's gas.

Inigo rolls his eyes and says under his breath, "I no freaking believe dis...Rosie too? Dere somet'ing wrong wid' de acoustics in here, or what?" Raising his voice, "Rosie, what de hail de madder wid' jou? Jou no speak Eengleesh eidder? Jou note know whad' beach means? I be talking about de sand!" "I hab jou know, I note apprechiate jou calling me a playa."

On one of her never-ending rounds, one of Ray's serving maids discreetly drops a letter at Inigo's booth. He looks at it. "Hmm. Eet from Captain Hook Don Phonics. I wonder whad' dey want?" He frowns and opens it. Dear Mr. Montoya, Thank you for completing our course. For the third time. We really appreciate your business. Here is your evaluation: * Penmanship: Improving * Spelling: Improving * Reading Comprehension: Not So Much He grimaces to himself. "Hmph. I not de one who not know whad' a sheep ees." He holds the letter up, idly polishing his reading glasses. Suddenly a knife comes flying from the general direction of the two brats, pinning the letter to...

Montoya strides back into the pub, an imperious scowl knitting his heavy brow. "So, Juance again, I comb here to face down jou boatload of creeminals. Jou, Capitan Silver Bouillion, jou not fool me for an eenstant! Jou corrupted my Rosie, deedn't jou? And jou, Capitan Siren, eef jou not a creeminal, why jou spend so moch time in de company of creeminals? Whad' a nice girl like jou doeeng in a place like dees, hah? And all de rest of jou -- oh, hi Lampy! -- jou all guilty by association! Jou, Long Tom, jou -- naiver mind. Anyboady see jou jus heeting on Siren. Jou gets a pass dis time." "And as for jou, Rosie--" he turns his gaze to where Rosarita should have been -- and halts, surprise springing onto his features. "...Flatty? Hank?" He shakes his head, wondering. "Whad' dey be doing here?" He turns to Sterling and whispers, "Dey be de Four Hoarse Men of de Alpaca Lips! Dey be called Bickering, Flatulence, Bulimia, and Ennui. De las' one, de name be French, an' hard to pronounce, so hees friends jus' call heem "Hank." "If dey here, dat only mean Juan t'ing... Elvira!" His face spasms with pain. "My heart ees on fire! Elvira! ...escuse me jus' a moment." He reaches into his doublet, pops a small tablet into his mouth, chews, and sighs. "Sorry. Ees jus' de heartburn." Shaking his head and shuddering, "She geev me ulcer. Good t'ing she not here, I probably barf on her shoes." He returns his attention to the slumbering pair. "Eef dere is Juan t'ing dese two really good at, eet's being violent. But eet gon' bite dem Juan day. Watch dees." Montoya produces a noose, which he has cleverly borrowed from Colonel Walker. He flings one end over a rafter. Careful not to disturb their snoring, he slips the noose over Flatty's neck, and places the other end in Hank's hand. Placing himself out of the sightlines of both, he gives a hearty pull on Hank's half of the rope, jerking Flatty's head into the air. As Flatty bellows to sudden wakefulness, Inigo fades to a darkened corner of the Pub to enjoy the fun.

Whoa! Dat ees one hot beach!

Eef jou doan shut up, jou gon' be Joaquin DePlank, jou unnerstan'? I don' wanna hear word Juan from jou, jou hear?

Jerking his head in the general direction of Pepe, Inigo addresses False Ransom. "Dat mighty perceptive of jou, bot noat very nice." (He leans in and whispers conspiratorially) "When he a tiny boy, he get de nickname 'Little Pepe.' And jou know, eet be de same ever seence." He rounds on Rosarita. "I try to be trosting kind of guy, but Rosie, I theenk dose leetle cheeldrens -- escuse me, dose enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken cheeldrens -- are not mine. No, eet's no juse protesting. I on to jour treeks, wooman! I now conveenced jou doan gone over to de dark side." Pacing morosely, and casting disappointed glances her direction, he continues expostulating. "Dere's a saying in Espana, I know eet's in Texas, probably in Espana: "Fool me Juance, shame on...shame on jou. Fool me - jou can't get fooled again."

At the mention of gold, Montoya looks aghast and makes exaggerated shushing gestures. Recovering his composure, he continues regarding her with distrust. "You t'ink wad' jou say about Capitan Sterling lets jou off de hook? All eet say to me ees dat he treating jou like jou treating me." He looks reproachfully at Rosarita. "Look. Ros...I aim not total eedeeot. I trust jou when jou say we not need to 'get busy' to make babies, and dat jour priest gon' take care of de details wid' de Stork. I acept what jou say when jou tell me dat all of de babies be fast growers, and when dey comb home seex feet tall, dat jus' mean "dey healthy." I not complain too moch when jou starts nameeng dem t'ings like "Bloody Scupper" and "Blackfoot." I not question jour assertion dat beard, eyepatch, and peg-leg run in jour family; eh, fine, I t'ink dat make dem all look ruggedly handsome. Especially Camelia and Annabel. I even put up wid' de baby bottles fool of Bacardi. But why, I ask jou, do jou inseest, every night for baidtime story, on reading dem de map to de-- ...ehhhm, to dat...beeg, ehm, theeng... in, ah, de water?"

Inigo, hearing Rosarita address him, pokes his head in the door. "Oh, I bet eet's jus' "beezness!" I bet jou "get beezy" regular-like! I bet jou--" He stops short, her words sinking in, and peers briefly at Jacky Tar. "Okay, jou gots a point dere. Heem even ooglier den I aim." But he whirls, and points at her accusingly. "But dat not mean jou not foolin' aroun' wid somebody here! I can tail, Rosie, jou doan taken a shine to Juan of dese creeminals! I gots eveedence!" "Eef eet's no Jacky Tar, den I theenk jou steppin' out wid' Capitan Sterling!"

In unison, the two reply: "The peons!" With a thunderous crash, the door slams behind the pair.

Barely acknowledging the pirate, the two head for the door, their chatter not slowing one whit. "....no, no, no! You got the bottom bunk because you were the one who always had to get up in the middle of the night..."

MOM ALWAYS LIKED YOU BEST!!!

Loser.

You're one to talk, Joaquin. You were the one who misspelled "ship" in the first place, and now the entire pub has spent the last fifteen pages confused out of their gourds -- and what's worse, you pinned the stupid thing on ME, leaving MY character to have to defend it "ais eef eet doan on porpoise." You know how much ad-libbing you put me through with that one mistake? If you'd just run your copy through a spell-checker once in a while, but noOOOOoooooo, Mister I-Won-The-High-School-Spelling-Bee-as-a-Tiny-Little-Freshman has to INSIST that he has a photographic memory!

"No, Joaquin, do noat do thees. Do wad'ever jou must...treep me...wheep me...make fon of de way I count...but I DRAW DE LINE AT ESPLAININ' DE YOKES! ...after all, a man gots to have a sense of deegnity...."

Stroking his goatee, which seems to be peeling on one side, Inigo considers his underling's words, a look of annoyed concern spreading across his visage. "First, Joaquin, whad' jou doing, pooting words een my mout'? Preety soon, peoples gon' start especteeng dat we really de same guy doeeng de typing. Cut dat out!" Joaquin lowers his head and says "Sorry, Boss, eet won't haippen again." Realizing his error, he claps a hand to his mouth. "Second," Montoya continues, "Rosarita, she tell me dat eef I not here when she get back from ... um ... well, from wherever she goeeng, she gon' turn me into refried beans. I theenking I baiter stay put, jus' to be on de safe side." "But jou know," he continues after another pause, "I been wondering about her dese lass coaple of mont. She always gone, she always harping on me about de sheep, and she always try to stoap me from capjooring any pirates. Eet not take a complete eedeeot to start t'inking, maybe she workeeng for de odder side, eh? Maybe she even have a pirate for a loaver, eh? I see how she look at dat Jacky Tar when she een de Pub! She theenk I too escared to noteece, but I see her wid' de long eyelashes and de weenking!" Suddenly he is on his feet, all trace of indecision vanished. "Joaquin, fetch me my rope!"

I deed!

Montoya, his eyes sliding between Rosarita and this new interloper, thinks to himself "Lady, jou don' know de half of eet." Wondering whether he suffered a blow to the head during his captivity among the Aztecs, he carefully disentangles himself. "Rosarita, jou who are de hot beach in my Clob Maid vacation, I ... ehhhhm ... I like jou to meet .... ehhhhm ... " At a complete loss for the moment, he turns to the newly entered vision and says, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Prepare to d-- no, scratch dat last part. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. Nice to meet jou."

Rosarita, Rosie, Rosa, Ro, Sita, Mamacita, jou who are de sun and de rain on my fields fool of migrant workers... now ees not de time. Who jou gon' believe, me or a bonch of pirates? Look, dese peoples crazy! Look at dees one (gesturing at Siren), dere she go again wit' de rope talk! She a pirate and she not even know what a sheep is! She eidder crazy or illeeterate ... or boat! Dees fellow Jacky Tar, I not know from Adam. Bot he call me a "mogneefeecent Spaniard" an dass good eenoaf for me. Jou could stan' take a cue from heem, jou know? (Hmmph. Call me "leetle bonny" een front of everyboady, eh?) I promees jou, juance I get dees den of ineequity cleaned up, I gon' buy jou all de peacock fedders jou can shake a steek at. Jou know how many Betty Crocker Good Housekeeping points each juan is wort'? Hah? No, dat's coz jou not even look at de manuals for The Pirate Hunter before jou tell me eet a crazy idee. Jus jou wait an see, Rosie.

H'okay, den: "thees is not true." Happy, Rosa? Now, eef jou weel escuse me for a meenute, I have soam pirates to deal wit'. Capitan Siren, I am on to jour leetle obsession wid' me an my rope. Nex' I s'pose jou going to want me to wash deeshes jusing a soap on a rope, eh? (An' while we on de subject, how I suppose to pull a sunk sheep out of a rope, anyway? Anyone knows jou pull a sunk sheep out of de harbor!) Jus' so jou know, de Aztecs give me new meedel name, call me "Nahapan." And dat's wad' I say when it come to jour deeshes: "Inigo Nahapan." Jou, False Ransom: why jou laugh at leetle conejo? So Rosarita, she t'ink I cute in my baidtime sleepers. So what, eh? Eef she say "leetle cojone" dat be somet'ing else again, but den I know she be talking about somebody else aroun' here. And jou, Jacky Tar: funny jou should mention Iron Chef. Jou probably alraidy know dat "Rosarita has a special way to cook." How jou know so much about us, anyway? Jou been intercepting my despatches to de Cardinal wit'out a FISA warrant or somet'ing? Now, Rosie... eef jou want me to be haippy, jou gon' use dat wheep to start rounding up some of dese creeminals. Jou join The Pirate Hunter, I make jou my downline, jou get reseeduals on any Pirate Hunters jou sign op under jou. Wad' jou say to dat, eh?

Inigo emerges hesitantly from the corner of the bar, where he had ducked upon recognizing the form in the doorway. He addresses the crowd loudly, though a note of desperation is detectable in his speech. "I not know what she talkeeng about! I naiver see her before!" He risks an anxious glance at Rosarita, her hands planted defiantly on her curvaceous hips, one eyebrow skeptically raised. "I deed not have sexual relations weeth thees wooman, Miss..." Sensing that nobody is buying the bluff, his shoulders sag, and sheepishly he walks over to Rosarita. He addresses her under his breath in urgent tones. "Rosie, my leetle quesadilla, we have been t'rough thees over and over alraidy. How I supposed to recoup my investment in 'The Pirate Hunter' franchise, eef every time I about to make a capjoore, jou barge een and drag me off to wash deeshes? Look 'roun' jou, whad jou see? A whole beelding fool of pirates! Thees could be my beeg break, and jou tell me, 'comb home'?! Eet's very embarassing!"