Aerynfyre
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Posts posted by Aerynfyre
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Blatant spelling errors annoy me, especially when circulated in official documents and interoffice memos....
Whilst I quite understand culturally accepted spelling variations within the English language (having been educated on both sides of the pond - harbor vs harbour, for example), there are some things that are just not done by supposedly educated individuals....
Ex: I once had an employee send me their "attentative vacation schedule".....must say I rolled on the floor laughing over that one!
Oh well, I guess the dictionary is not for everyone!
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Well, Darling (I mean you Scalawag!)....Ye know that I'll be waiting with baited breathe to behold the wonders that be "The Doctor".....
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Posting as well in BG but my name there is Lady Aeryn....excellent forum that appeals to both of my main interests...they go hand in hand quite nicely
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Chili Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for
you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
San Antonio City Park . Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI 2 - AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI 3 - FRED’S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look
HOT. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop
breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s
going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge 3 - No Report
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I was talking to Glasgow Jon on Skype today & he told me that one of his mates posted on Facebook about something very interesting that happens when you click on the link at the bottom left of the page that says
"English (UK)" - that would be "English (US)" to those of us on this side of the pond...when you click on it it gives you various language options, but the most interesting of those is "English (Pirate)".... yes, folks that is "English (Pirate)" ... basically (and this is very, very cool!) it means that you can "Parlay in Pirate" on Facebook!!!
EX:
1) Home - Home Port
2) Friends - Me Hearties
3) Chat - Parlay, thar be
4) Notifications - Hail Shots
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Very nice...can't wait to see it finished...
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"A South Carolina Wife"
Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from Michigan.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Missouri.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the
table.
The third man married a girl from South Carolina.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
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Stopping in to say a hearty hello to all me mates....family name's originally Moray, which literally means beside the sea .... so I'd say I've finally made me way home....
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Mad Bess Bonney
Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!
Some better pictures.....
in Armory
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Beautiful designs....wonderful craftsmanship.....especially the Indian pistols & muskets....gorgeous inlay....Thanks ever so much for sharing Darling.....I seriously wants me one (actually I wants me all of them....)