Opinions Wanted

[Black Syren]

ok I know in places it does not flow smoothly but I would be honored for feedback...

The winds were sneaky this day coming and going, teasing the senses

and the sails then skipping away again. A call was sent to reef the

sails and they would sit until the winds were more favorable. Now

that the men had free time some played dice on the decks, others

strolled or slept. But not the Siren, she stood at the bow and

watched as the fog crept over the sea like long fingers of death

seeking to stop them. The heavy pewter shroud soon surrounded them

and the air grew heavy and humid, unnatural. The men grumbled and

rose to move to the rails discomfitted by the happenings, but not the

Siren. She moved away from the rails and walked the decks mingling

with her men teasing them, drawing them from their unease.

Suddenly a sound shattered the stillness and being on open sea sound

carried, her crew immediately went silent;listening. Many voices

speaking spainish resounded in the unnatural mire and Siren grinned.

A galleon if they were lucky. She decided to have a wee bit of fun

and bolster here crew so she moved to the rails listening and shaking

ehr head at the foolish spainards. Her crew gathered round knowing

what was to come and cleary enjoyed the consequences as they all grinned.

A voice surreal and soft swept from her to tease and tantalize the

senses. She paused her eyes glinting with mischief as discord

suddenly broke out La Sirena being called out in panic. She had to

bite her lip to keep from laughing several of her own crew chortling.

When she had regained herself she took a deep breath and the power of

her voice rose to the heavens, passionate, sultry. The notes rippled

and soared then dropped to rise yet again and then fade softly.

Panic gave way to chaos and she laughed tossing her knee length braid.

"They are stuck here as we are, when the fog lifts we will take them.

Until then I shall keep them on their toes eh?" she called softly.

All her men agreed and preperations for battle at sea were soon

silently underway. Blue green eyes heavily lined with kohl swept over

the fog as if seeking her victim. She moved to her cabin and knelt,

making the sign of the cross she prayed for the safety of her crew and

then returned to the bow and said a prayer to Neptune to keep them

safe. Suddenly the winds blew and the sails were unfurled and the

small sloop Posedion bucked and skipped over the waves. now for their

victims..Again her voice sang out, luring them just as any good Siren

should.

The prow of the Galleon broke through the mists large and cumbersome

in the seas, the waves crashing into it's bulk which seemed more like

an albatross compared to the deadly elegance of the small royal sloop

that awaited it like a sea eagle graceful and swift. The sails were

being reefed and was already presenting a broadside when the belch of

single canonfire resounded, the ball aimed over the bow of the ship.

A warning shot, friendly yet deadly earnest.

The Galleon was cumbersone but had more men and cannon than the sloop,

but the sloop was agile and could quickly cut the Galleons masts

leaving them assunder. And if that were not enough the triple blades

that shone like fins as the light caught them through the waters

guaranteed a hull ripped and savaged leaving them to the mercy of the

sea and Davy Jones hisself. The Capitan looked over the small ship having never seen such a thing. It not only bore blades in it's hull but was fantastical for the rails held carvings of Sirens and sea creatures, the figurehead was that of Neptune his trident upraised and a malice filled look given to all. Truly it was a trrifying visage and yet it was spellbinding as had been the voice.

But still they had much to protect on board and would not easily give.

The call for battle was given and Siren overhearing this gave a grim

smile. "Let's make this quick fellas, I smell gold on that ship and

Tortuga be not that far away and neither is Port Royal. Take them and

let's leave them with a parting gift eh? Load the long nines with

chain shot and take the main mast. Send a volley of grape shot

afterwards towards the rest of their sails. Lets disable them first.

Then we'll blow them to hell and back." She said with a steely look

in her eyes.

"Capitan' this is your last chance for surrender else ye will not have

much of a ship nor crew left. Tis your final warning. Oh and allow

me to introduce myself..." Here she moved to the rail and gave a

mocking bow long knee length raven braid whipping about her, shirt

half unlaced, leather breeks that molded to her figure and showed bare

skin from knee to hip as they were laced. A baldric crossed ehr chest

fully armed, a cutlass rested at her left hip and her whip rested

slightly above that. "I am the Siren at your service."

She could see the shock on the Capitans face as he weighed his

options, defeat to a woman, and a pirate at that. Or fight their

way free, but then his chances there were nil for her sloop was

favorable in these waters due to it's size and agility in the sea.

He called the orders to hold their stations and bid her come aboard.

Grappling hooks were soon cast and Siren and Chavez quickly swung

across with the rest of her crew. Still she remained alert for any

trickery that may come to pass, for they were outnumbered here and

well she knew it, and by the gleam in the Capitan's eye he knew it

as well. "I shall need to see your manifest Capitan please send

someone for it, until then you are a hostage of sorts for good

behavior.' Seeing his surprise she smiled grimly "Im a woman Capitan

not stupid." She inclined her head regally to him then called to

those on the ship "I am The Siren and I will curse this ship and all

upon it if all is not done exactly as I wish it. If there is

anything hidden upon this ship not upon the manifest my crew will

find it. Again I ask you to speak now for a curse will be laid if

it is not." Men were damned easy to speak to, one just really need

know of their fears and being sailors these were afraid of Women on

board ships, and of course one professing to be a Siren…Did any

other words need to be spoken?

And Of course not for now there was a scurry of activity and many

voices speaking at once and the Capitan suddenly looked well and

truly defeated. One word did pass her attention and she tilted her

chin with aggression. "Women? You have women captives upon this

ship Capitan? For shame. Bring them up as my men divest you of

your treasures." By now Chavez and Mullet were reviewing the

Manifest and directing the Capitans crew to bring up what was listed

and what was not. She in turn awaited the women. She would drop

them in the next port, no women should be forced to travel with such

foreign bilge rats as these.

[PyratePhil]

WHOA!!!

Where'd THAT come from???

I prostrate myself before you, Lady...

That...is...fantastic...

[Black Syren]

It's something I wrote for a rp im in..but im thinking of adding more to it and doing something with it. Is it really ok? *anxious nibbling on nails*

[PyratePhil]

Depends what you want to do with it...

Who is your audience?

Why should they care about The Siren? What makes her special? What is her Tragic Flaw?

Do you want to write a book, a series, use it solely for RP...each use will have its own set of conditions that you need to meet.

Have you developed an in-depth background on her? It's SO much easier to write a character when you know their history...make it as plush as possible...

Aside from those points, and the usual sniddly things like punctuation and grammar that are corrected in later drafts (usually over several bottles of strong rum!), I think you have the nucleus of a winner!

[Black Syren]

Well as I created her and she is near and dear to me I would have to say I know her very well. Im thinking maybe a short story or a comic book type...not sure yet.

[PyratePhil]

Okey-doke.

Don't be fooled, though - I've created a LOT of characters that surprised me, amazed me, or just downright stumped me in the middle of a story because I wasn't aware of one of their qualities.

I can't emphasize this enough: WRITE DOWN a detailed bio for La Siren. If nothing else, the time you spend doing it may produce fruit from an unexpected direction...

I'm not familiar with comic book storyboarding or character development, so that's something you'd need to research on your own. Sorry.

For short stories - sure, she'd be a natural. Again, think of who your audience will be - gender, age range, intelligence...just like taking a marketing approach to a new car, you need to target Siren very carefully. When the day comes that you want to sell the rights to Bantam or some such, the acquisitions editor will want to know exactly WHO she appeals to, and WHY.

[Black Syren]

Thanks Phil..those are very good suggestions. I will work on her bio and go from there. Im thinking maybe teens...not sure just yet. Could turn her into a romance..*grins*

[PyratePhil]

Could turn her into a romance..*grins*

Well, if you need some cover art of the hunky, bare-chested naughty Pyrate, you know where to look...

[Black Syren]

Of course...I would be honored..*grins* still have a long way to go with it..Just wanted opinions first.

By the way Fabio..Ill be needing to see some of yer pics..*laughs*

[PyratePhil]

[Black Syren]

Your hired! Be that really you?

[PyratePhil]

Be that really you?

...actually, it's my first wife...

Of course it's me - not a very good pic, but that's me...

[Black Syren]

Well you are hired but should you not have auditioned in full Pyrate togs?

[PyratePhil]

*sigh*...the things we do for money...very well...

[Black Syren]

A parrot and the pub pin... Yep now that be the mark of a Pyrate! Very nice pics by the way.

[PyratePhil]

Dorky but true!

[Black Syren]

Ill have to keep Christine away from my model's pics..Drooling tends to make horrid things happen to pictures. :) still I do thank you for your input..I almost did not post it here at all...

[PyratePhil]

I'm glad you did - it was / is great!

[Black Syren]

Well I was very nervous about posting it and I know it has errors and it could be way better. But it's always good to get others opinions as well. All the stuff I have done were more for children and I have a series im writing based on The Littlest Pirate. And history recently helped actually finding the remains of the Littlest Pirate.

This was just something for a rp but snared my fancy and of course I have been working on a romance as well..We shall just have to see. I have another short story I am working on as well that I can send you if intrested. The Serpent Queen..Again it's a very rough draft...But I can see it going places.

[PyratePhil]

...The Serpent Queen?...

...didn't that star Ron Jeremy and...

...oops...sorry...wrong genre...

[Black Syren]

Aren't you funny. Want to read it if so Ill post it here..it's a very rough draft like I said..

[PyratePhil]

Yes Yes Yes!

Then I'll have to return the favor and send you something I'm working on - almost ready for publication (e-book / maybe self-published softcover)...totally different than yours - sort of a semiautobiographical novelette

[Black Syren]

Ok this is An Elven Maiden facing a Drow....Fantasy.

Go here Captain's Quarters- The Serpent Queen.

[PyratePhil]

Wow - you must have spent a lot of time on that! Lot of rich detail...

Excellent!

[Black Syren]

Actually it took me about an hour to write. But Thank you. I have been working on changing some things within it to make it better and I still need to finish writing it as well.