The Doctor Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS by STEVE MARTIN Virgin No. 1: Yuck. Virgin No. 2: Ick. Virgin No. 3: Ew. Virgin No. 4: Ow. Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen! Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years. Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry! Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first? Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why? Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . . Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate. Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home! Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special? Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what? Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny. Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what? Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus. Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel. Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair! Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others. Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller? Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed? Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”? Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck! Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot? Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums? Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead. Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t. Virgin No. 30: You are in? Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain. Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly. Virgin No. 33: You like-ee? Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot. Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.” Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend. Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend. Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot. Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind. Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask? Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again. Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime? Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom. Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift. Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is. Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours. Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit. Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino. Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late. Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one. Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”? Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry. Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave. Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous. Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins. Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No? Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me. Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles. Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving? Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex. Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised. Virgin No. 62: Was that it? Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you. Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob. Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why? Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money. Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right? Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis? Virgin No. 69: Condom, please. Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa. Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom. Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up. Yo ho ho! Or does nobody actually say that?
Merrydeath Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I didnt know there were so many virgins.. Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook!
Red Cat Jenny Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I didnt know there were so many virgins.. Well now that they've been brought to the pub it's questionable Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.... Her reputation was her livelihood. I'm a pirate, love. By nature and by choice! My inner voice sometimes has an accent! My wont? A delicious rip in time...
lady snow Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I didnt know there were so many virgins.. Well now that they've been brought to the pub it's questionable yuo do have a point there, jenny! ~snow with faith, trust and pixiedust, everything is possible if it be tourist season, why can't we shoot them? IWG #3057 - Local 9 emmf steel rose player - bella donna, 2005 improv cast member and dance instructor - fort tryon medieval festival lady neige - midsummer renaissance faire
Tartan Jack Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Well, the Barbary pirates were Muslim . . . It fits (if your REALLY stretch). -John "Tartan Jack" Wages, of South Carolina
callenish gunner Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 i hit that 72 virgins limit in 1968 .....those were some good years!!! and since ........it's been about 9 years since the last one she was 29 and had been a good catholic girl....but i don't have much temprement anymore to teach the young'uns
Lady Alyx Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Hmmmm for some reason I don't think the 72 virgins listing will have a jewish virgin.....at least for the 72 virgin's list I am thinkin on. ~~~~Sailing Westward Bound~~~~ Lady Alyx
CaptainSatan Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 What really happens in Paradise... As we say in Ireland let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our liver and kills us.
Lady Alyx Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Ah ha ha ha ha excellent...beat the old ruler over the knuckles eh? ~~~~Sailing Westward Bound~~~~ Lady Alyx
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