Alcoholoroscopes

The Doctor · December 13, 2006

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)

Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes

don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes

them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks,

and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries

people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should

other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they

will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not

forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -

- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to

them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)

Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming

for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly

intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-

china- shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells

fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud

and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the

rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a

teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious

(full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to

drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)

Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior

much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention- spanned that

it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing

with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an

extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe.

Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and

uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once.

They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is

boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon

blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with

dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't

it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs

must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out

secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in

true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they

get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's

nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of

inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite

Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be

adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often

fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing

their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're

quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They

generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-

control. When they get over- refreshed, expect flirting to ensue --

and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type

to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder,

Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to

you the next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto

their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to

drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to

drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand

loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do!

Virgos are controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled

beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead

sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to

declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence

tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)

Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just

that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party,

mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra

(with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra

side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really

work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in

self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble --

including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the

evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out

the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)

Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for

they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till

they're hog- whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like

to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them

see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a

personality- altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing

Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating

drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They

also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were

blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze

blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of

their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink

with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect

from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna

Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room,

then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a

nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure

to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous

Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,

steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left

off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of

David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the

true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not

too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are

you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally

on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant

to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook

up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well

(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward

know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more

stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or

organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their

duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in

that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They

also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before

they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk

people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused

strangers while sober.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard

that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz

Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose

themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give,

but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive

date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting

partners, whether in the conversation or in crime. With the right

Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up

in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be

read two ways you know.

CrazyCholeBlack · December 13, 2006

I'm not sure whether to laugh or not. These are frighteningly true! Pardon me while I go get drunk & grope some people.

Ransom · December 13, 2006

Lemme see. I ws born on the cusp between Aries and Taurus — so I'm really in trouble!

Black Syren · December 13, 2006

Go Virgo's! Dances on the tabletops..

The Doctor · December 14, 2006

I'm a Leo, and I love to dance. I'm an American Indian, and I got a replacement ACL a few years back. I'm guessing it was from a white guy, because I've never danced the same since. But I can walk just like Jack Sparrow!

Hey, folks - LAUGH!! I'm makin' a joke here! I've still got rhythm... it's just asynchronous now.

Capt. Sterling · December 14, 2006

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)