Pirate Christmas

[Mad Matt]

Not exactly a song or shantie, but it should do fine here:

It was the night before Christmas. And

everyone except a little boy named Hank was

asleep. The reason Hank was awake was

this: Hank knew what Santa looked like -- or at

least what Santa was supposed to look like --

and the man in the middle of the living room

was not Santa.

Oh, the man did have a long flowing

mustache and beard like Santa. But this

man’s beard was black and brown and red

and not at all white. And it was tangled and

bushy and bristly looking, not silky and

smooth like Santa’s. And, more importantly,

the man was not wearing a red suit with white

fur and a big black belt. Or wearing a red

Santa hat with a white ball on top. This man,

the man in Hank’s living room on the night

before Christmas, was wearing red and white,

but it was a red and white striped shirt. And

on his head he wore a simple red scarf. And

his pants were brown leather and ripped.

And while Santa should have a large red sack

full of toys for all the good little girls and boys,

this man was carrying a worn, black,

iron-banded chest. And, though he could not

see inside the chest, Hank was fairly sure that

it was not full of toys for all the good little girls

and boys.

This man, the one in Hank’s living room by

the Christmas tree on the night before

Christmas when everyone else was asleep,

was not Santa. This man was a pirate. Hank

knew a pirate when he saw one and he was

looking right at one.

But it’s one thing to recognize a pirate when

you see one. And it’s quite another thing to

know what to do about a pirate in your living

room on Christmas Eve. Oh sure, you think

you would run back upstairs, wake your Mom

or Dad or both and tell them that there was a

pirate in the living room. But if you take a

moment to think about it, do you really think

that your Mom or Dad would believe that there

was a pirate in your living room on Christmas

Eve? And anyway, Hank did not stop to think

about it, he simply yelled, "Hey!"

At which the pirate -- and there’s no use trying

to pretend it isn’t a pirate -- turned around to

look at Hank.

And Hank said, more like accused, "You’re

not Santa!"

The pirate, who by now was sitting on the

floor in the middle of the rug, opening the

treasure chest, didn’t seem very much

surprised by Hank’s accusation or even by

Hank. He did scratch his long bristly black

and brown and red beard and look as though

he was thinking. Then, as if he had thought

as hard as he could, he looked up once again

at Hank and said in a voice that was rich and

deep and more like a Santa voice than like a

pirate voice, "I was going to pretend I was

Santa, but I can see that it would be no use

trying to fool a smart boy like yourself."

Then, for a few seconds, Hank and the pirate

looked at each other and Hank couldn’t think

of anything else to say and the pirate didn’t

seem to want to say anything else and then

Hank thought of another question and he

asked it, "What are you doing in my living room

on Christmas Eve?"

The pirate once again sat there and

scratched his beard and thought for a while

and then stopped and said, "Once again, I

was going to try to fool you, but I think it would

be faster and easier and better for us both if I

simply told you the truth. Or better still,

showed you the truth." And the pirate pointed

out the window, towards the ocean.

Now the little boy named Hank knew that

there was an ocean in front of his house, so

this was not surprising. But what was

surprising was that there was a pirate ship

caught on some rocks near the shore of the

ocean.

"That is my ship. It is, as you can see, caught

on a reef in front of your house. I don’t care

much about the ship. It isn’t a very good ship,

anyway, and now that it has a hole in the

bottom where it struck the reef, it’s even less

of a good ship. In fact," and here the pirate

laughed a long and hearty laugh just like the

laugh Hank expected to hear from someone

who really was Santa, "it is going to sink under

the sea and at that point it will stop being a

ship at all. Because in my book, if it doesn’t

float, it’s not a ship."

Hank had so many questions, but since he

had to start with one question, he asked,

"Can’t you fix it?"

The pirate turned the chest away from Hank

and opened it so the top was facing Hank and

he could not see inside. The pirate then

looked over the top of the chest and said, "I

am not much of a carpenter. And besides, I

have all this treasure now, so I will no longer

need that ship or any ship. And seeing as you

are a very curious little boy, I think maybe I

should tell you a little bit more, since I am in a

hurry and need to get going soon and I can

see you won’t let me go until I have answered

most if not all of your questions. But I should

probably fully answer your original question

first: It’s cold and snowy and dark outside."

And, indeed, as Hank looked out the window

again, he could see that while it was not still

snowing, the wind was blowing the snow

around quite a bit. And it did look cold. And

there was no doubt, it being well after even his

Mom and Dad went to sleep, that it was dark

outside. But what confused Hank most of all

was that he couldn’t remember what his

original question was, so he simply decided

to ask the pirate another question and as

soon as he did, he realized that he had asked

the same question again and the answer fit

the question quite nicely, "What are you doing

in my living room?"

The pirate simply smiled and went on looking

through his treasure chest. Then he looked

up and said, "And I need to take stock of my

treasure." This seemed to finish the answer

nicely, but Hank was no longer very interested

in the pirate or why the pirate was in his living

room on Christmas Eve or on any other night.

He was more interested in what was inside

the treasure chest. So he took a step around

the chest. No sooner had he done so than the

pirate turned the chest exactly the same

amount that Hank had walked, so Hank was

still right behind the chest and couldn’t see

inside at all.

Hank took another step around. The pirate

turned the chest a little more. Hank still could

not see inside. Hank took two quick steps

and the pirate turned the chest quickly twice.

Hank took a step around the other way and the

pirate turned the chest around the other way.

This went on for a little while after which Hank

still could not see into the chest and the pirate

said, nicely, "Please stop." He then peered

over the chest at Hank, smiled, and said

gently, "As I said, I am in a hurry. Seeing as

you are not very easily tired or discouraged

and will continue trying to walk around my

chest trying to see inside for hours to come

and I need to get going before the morning, I

will make you a deal."

Hank stopped.

The pirate continued. "I will leave one thing

for you--. No, I’ll do better than that. I will leave

one thing for each of the people in this house

under that Christmas tree over there," and he

pointed to a rather large tree decorated as you

would imagine and underneath which was

loaded with colorfully-wrapped presents of all

shapes and sizes, "but only if you leave me to

my taking stock and run along to bed like a

good child. I give you my word as a pirate-" at

which he laughed that nice and hearty,

Santa-like laugh again and added, "which is

much better than it might sound."

Hank thought about the offer for a few

seconds, then yawned, and decided that he

was very tired and wanted to go to bed after

all, so he said, "Agreed."

The pirate reached over the back of the chest

and shook Hank’s hand. Then the pirate

smiled and waited. Though Hank did want to

see all the treasure, he decided that a little bit

under the tree was more pirate treasure than

any other boy might expect, so he turned away

and began to walk up the stairs.

The pirate cleared his throat, "Ahem." Hank

turned. "You’ll need to tell me how many

others are in this house and if they be girls or

boys or grown ups. Otherwise I might not

leave the right amount of treasure or the right

kinds," the pirate explained further.

Hank yawned again. And again. He was very

sleepy. "One boy, that’s me, and two girls, my

big and little sisters, and my Mom and Dad."

The pirate smiled again, "Thanks. And sweet

dreams." Then the pirate began looking

through his treasure again.

Hank went upstairs to bed.

---

In the morning, Hank, who had slept later

than anyone else, was the last one

downstairs. His mother, father, and two

sisters were looking at the Christmas tree as

if something were wrong. Hank looked

quickly, hoping that the pirate hadn’t stolen all

the presents, and saw that the presents were

all still there like last night. What his family

was looking at so oddly were the five little

packages placed right in front. Five little

packages that were all wrapped in dirty, red

scarves.

Upon a closer look, Hank could see that there

were small tags attached to the presents by

thin strips of leather. The presents were

labeled as follows: ‘Little boy,’ ‘Little sister,’

‘Big sister,’ ‘Father,’ and ‘Mother.’ These were

the gifts, of course, that were opened first.

Inside the ‘Father’ gift was a gold doubloon.

Inside the ‘Mother’ gift was a pair of delicate

gold and garnet earrings. Inside the ‘Big

sister’ gift was a thin, golden necklace with a

garnet stone attached. It perfectly matched the

earrings. Inside the ‘ Little sister’ gift was the

bracelet that finished the set.

The boy waited patiently until the other gifts

were opened before he unwrapped his own.

Then he hurriedly unknotted the kerchief and

inside found a beautiful, real telescope made

of etched silver and dark wood.

Attached to the telescope he found a note

which read: Yo ho ho, Merry Christmas!

The End.