The Pirate Hunter's Smarter Brother!

[Inigo Montoya]

Inigo then turns to Mad Jack. "Jou paying attention dees las' while? Jou worrying 'bout roafing op de ladies?" He points floorward. " DAT be roafing op de ladies!" Montoya unties the rack from around Jack's waist, and steers him in the general direction of the Admiral. "Jou can do wot jou wan' wid' him. Don' get too close, doah. He still liable to pop."

Addressing the Admiral again. "Jou, sir. I be mighty impress'. Jou one hell of a windbag. Dat de only way you survive, I sure. Jou know how many jour troops we blow up dat way? Ninety-seex! Which remin' me." Montoya turns to the bar. "Ray! Jou got any cases of Coke I can buy? Dese Aztecs, dey starting to like dees way to do sacrifice, and I running bery short!"

[Jacky Tar]

Jacky Tar enters the bar...

Inigo really... What ever happened to... 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, Jou killed my fader prepare to die!'

Jacky pulls up to the bar and orders some grog, and waits to catch the rest of the floor show.

[Inigo Montoya]

Jacky Tar enters the bar...

Inigo really... What ever happened to... 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, Jou killed my fader prepare to die!'

What, jou think I crazy? (Stop nodding, jou over dere!) I mean, serious: I comb in here, I say dat, dey sen' me to get my heart reep' out. Jou think I gon' hang onto a phrase like dat afterwards?

I know, last time jou see me, me and Joaquin deesappearing in cloud of dust like some stupeed Coyote, slung over backs of bonch of Aztecs. How come I here again, I hear jou ask? (uncomfortable pause). Hey, wake op. I sayyyy, "How Come I Here Again, I Heaaaar Jouuuu Aaaaaask?" ...Ehhh, pfft, jou people no heelp at all. Forgait eet.

Well, dey set me down in front of dis big guy, all deck' out in feathers an' gold an' stuff. (I look real close, an' bonch of it say "Made in China" but hey, I no worry about dat for de moment.) I hold out my hand and say "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya." He say to me, "Prepare to die." I theenk to myself, "Hm. Dis is new." But den dey pick me right up again and haul me to de top of de pyramid.

While dey emptying my pockets, someting beeg fall out one side. I look at it. "A can of Coca Cola?" I say. "Dat not period! De Boss of All Pirate Hunters gon' be peesed." But de High Priest, he perk up his ears at dat. "Coca?" he say, wit plenty suspicion. "Coca?" "Si," I say, "Coca, coca!" Eef he like, mebbe he let me go, jou know?. He snatch de can from me, and turn it over an' over, mos' curious-like. Den I be watchin' heem pick up somet'ing else on de altar. What ees dat? A roll of Mentos? Where dat comb from? De little candle over de head light up den, dat for chure. "Eh, Padre," I say to de priest guy. "I show jou." I open can of Coke, make pantomime dreenk eet, and han' eet over. Den I grab Mentos, make pantomime eat, and geeve heem too.

So he dreenk down de Coke, den he eat de Mentos. Den he blow up. Let me tell jou, dat impress de rest of de tribe quite a lot. So dey make me dere High Priest. I now in charge of all de executions. But naow, dey getting real particular about how dey sacrifices done, sabe? So, dat ees why I back.

Ray, comb on. I like to buy tree case of Coke from jou. Now, donut look at me like dat, I know jou seerve rum and Coke all de time, eet ees no juse pretending. Ray, dese guys getting bery impatient....

[Inigo Montoya]

Oh, jes, juan more t'ing, I almos' forget.

Montoya turns to Tempest Fitzgerald.

I breeng jou a message from de Emperor. He say, wid' hees compliments, dat jou should stop by for after-sacrifice snack. He say, de heart belong to de gods, but de rest ees op for grabs. Some guy tell heem, de liver go great wid' fava bean an' a nice Chianti.

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

With a loud resounding or should i say deafening......EEEEUUURRRRRRRPPPPPP!!!!

that singes the feathers off the entire aztec nation and has them turning green from the stench

Ze Admiral turns witha small smile on his face and says to Montoya "It lacks the gusto of Lillie's Snitzel-Grueben washed down with bilge water but it has a nice aftertaste"

"Und you seem to have forgotten the other 24,904 other storm sailors controlling ze island here and ze 1000 warships surrounding ze island. I'm certain zat they are enjoying the carnage of slaughtering thousands of aztecs by now und sinking every ship in ze harbor"

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

Inigo, Inigo, Inigo und i used to tink you were good comic relief and I was going to give you that career advancement and make you a supervisor on the night cleaning crew but for now NO VAL-MART FOR YOU 2 YEARS!!!!!

I know how you vachos love climbing ze fence in ze desert, good luck my little mencsh!!!

Zer vill be NO reprieve now!!! Those who colaborate with ze Master Crew und follow the strictest standards of authenticity will be spared all others will go to ze Val-Mart camps

[Silkie McDonough]

Copycat of the good Colonel Walker... as is Montoya.

Hmmm, war's d'colonel gone t'anyway? Should be here wit the rest of us characters!

Silkie strides over to Tempest and Sterling. Ifin ya nil mind I'd like t'join ya fer da floor show.

She pulls out a chair, gracefully lowers herself to sit and then produces the familure silver flask of pocheen. She takes a biig gulp and offers it to the others.

[Capt. Sterling]

Copycat of the good Colonel Walker... as is Montoya.

Hmmm, war's d'colonel gone t'anyway? Should be here wit the rest of us characters!

Silkie strides over to Tempest and Sterling. Ifin ya nil mind I'd like t'join ya fer da floor show.

She pulls out a chair, gracefully lowers herself to sit and then produces the familure silver flask of pocheen. She takes a biig gulp and offers it to the others.

Thank ye... allow me Ladies to cover the next round.

[LadyBarbossa]

At least Captain Sterling is a Gentleman through and through.

Sterling... I hold with the utmost honor and respect, my good man.

~Lady B

[Rumba Rue]

ROTFLMFAF!!!!!

aw jeeze, I was going to say something, and I just can't, I'm laughing so hard...

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

It's ok fraulein Barbossa I get all ze respect I need with my fleet of pirates blasting ze hell out of polyester und rayon clad renfaire pirates who don't know a head from a haly'ard!

und ze next time i zee anyone dressed like zat ridiculus Capt. Jack Sparrow or ze rest of zat abomidible cast I vill chop them up for chum to feed ze sharks

[Inigo Montoya]

As Father Juniper Serra so famously say, "Meesheeon Accomplish!"

Jou guys on jour own now. I save jour bacon Juance. Jou gots to form op a Coaleesheeon Govermeant, train jou troops, an' all dat good stoff. I gon' check my sailf into Betty Ford Cleeneec for Compulsive Eenternait Juse.

[Jacky Tar]

It's ok fraulein Barbossa I get all ze respect I need with my fleet of pirates blasting ze hell out of polyester und rayon clad renfaire pirates who don't know a head from a haly'ard!

Jacky Tar moves over t' a window glances out at the sea...

Admiral Uber Imagination thar be no german or prussian ships in the harbor. The Germans had no real navy until the 1850's; they had no need, they sold thar colonies to the Netherlands in the early 1700's. The Germans were land locked as it were. As you now find yer self...

Jacky moves back t' the bar to order more grog.

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

Und it was never I who claimed to be German with a navy but a pirate with 1000 ships under ze leadership of ze Master Crew. ZO .....NANNY-NANNY-POP-POO

und for what you now call germany and prussia were never land locked mit major ports such as Bremen, Hamburg, und Danzig mit many lesser ports. Zey were major zeefarfers of both ze North Zee und ze Baltic Zee at ze time of ze Golden Age they were part of the Holy Roman Empire.

[Jacky Tar]

Und it was never I who claimed to be German with a navy but a pirate with 1000 ships under ze leadership of ze Master Crew.  ZO .....NANNY-NANNY-POP-POO

und for what you now call germany and prussia were never land locked  mit major ports such as Bremen, Hamburg, und Danzig mit many lesser ports.

Admiral Under Pants, where did ye say ye come from? From which of those lesser ports, or lesser sea powers did ye receive yer commission? That leadership... is it Grand Master Crew or maybe Snoop Dogg...

Honestly mate, when the fellas wit' the sea nets come fer ye, go quietly, they be yer friends!

Jacky Tar goes back to his drink.

[Silkie McDonough]

Tis not the German det makes him a Nazi tis all bout his aditude I fear

[Silkie McDonough]

Nearly a full week of days has passed and none of the entertainment has returned!

Colonel Walker, are you unable to attend because your pretty golden locks have been besieged by far too many bugs?

Mr. Montoya, have the natives grown far too unruly? Have the clergy converted the natives? Or ...have you continued your search for the six fingered man who sunk your sheep on higher ground?

Admiral Von Uber-Pirate, have you finally learned that your puny little dream of the master pirates is never going to come to fruition?

My dear men, the crowds are getting restless, surely even you can come up with something glib for them?

[Inigo Montoya]

The Aztec Nation, still smouldering slightly, begin to exchange uneasy glances. The prolonged, unnatural quiet begins to suggest an idea in the minds of the quicker of them. Little by little it dawns on them that the post seems to be deserted and the pub is theirs.

"Only one thing to do, boys," comments a gruff voice from the back. "PAAAAARRRRRTEEEEEEE!!!!"

The Nation leaps to its collective feet. An insistent, driving drumbeat begins throbbing. "Hit it, boys!" Seven or eight Aztecs with particularly outrageous headdresses vault to the top of the bar, chanting rhythmically.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey hey!

Macchu Picchu Maaaaaan! I've got to be a Macchu Picchu Man!

Machhu Picchu Maaaan! I've got to be a Macchu..."

The Aztecs dance ecstatically.

The Cardinal wanders back into the pub, oblivious to the erupting chaos. Brackish water drips from his tattered crimson habit, and a thoughtful look clings to his visage. "Hmmmm.... keelhauling.... Maybe we have been going about this all wrong...."

[Jacky Tar]

The Nation leaps to its collective feet. An insistent, driving drumbeat begins throbbing. "Hit it, boys!" Seven or eight Aztecs with particularly outrageous headdresses vault to the top of the bar, chanting rhythmically.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey hey!

Macchu Picchu Maaaaaan! I've got to be a Macchu Picchu Man!

Machhu Picchu Maaaan! I've got to be a Macchu..."

The Aztecs dance ecstatically.

Looky there... Inigo and the Village People... I mean Aztecs.

Honestly mate, yer floor show needs a bigger stage. Have ye tried Vegas?

Jacky muses, never a dull moment when Inigo comes in t' port.

[Merrydeath]

small group of folk in goggles and swim trunks, moving slowly thru the throngs of people...

Machu----

(looks lost)

Pichu!

Machu----

(looks around)

Pichu..

[Jacky Tar]

Jacky has seen these dances before, and when the dancin' stops someone gets sacrificed in a gruesome pagan ritual. Jacky realizes he must keep these savages dancin' at all costs. There is only one safe place to take these savages; the only 24 hour party ship in the harbor, 'The Sea Witch'! The Sea Witch is captained by Herself, 'Iron Bess'. Iron Bess is always lookin' for a few more cabin boys, and probably won't notice a few extra Aztecs.

Jacky picks up a drum, and starts a conga line, and heads out of the Pub, and up the gang plank of The Sea Witch.

[Jacky Tar]

Jacky picks up a drum, and starts a conga line, and heads out of the Pub, and up the gang plank of The Sea Witch.

It's been a few days of dancin', and only a handful of Aztecs are left standin'. Most have drop dead from exhaustion. Time to pick up the drum beat and finish off the last few feathered dancers. Jacky had heard tales that this is how the Mayans went out.

Time to clean this up, before Iron Bess gets back; she has been on shore leave fer her natal day celebration. Jacky has cleaned up after other parties on the Sea Witch before, but this one was the largest by far...

With the last bodies and feathers stowed away, Jacky sets out to restock the rum and Mai Tai mix...

[Ransom]

I enter Ray's for me usual. The light breeze from the open door kicks up a swirl of feathers. A few beads roll across the floor. The air is redolent with...I'd swear it...Spanish aftershave and German bombast.

"Wha' the hell happened here?"

Bodies lay strewn about, some mumbling the strains of a strange, chanting song...machu pic...macuuuu... piccchuu......zzzzz. Those still upright and drinking have a glazed look to their eyes.

Seems I've missed out on something. I look at Ray. "What's going on?"

Ray shakes his head. "Don't ask. Will ya be havin' yer usual."

I do another quick scan of the pub. It lookes like the day after Mardi Gros. "Better make it a double," I reply, flicking feathers off a chair and sitting down. Then, with a smile, I ask, "Are they coming back?"

Ray just rolls his eyes.

[Black Syren]

Has to hold her sides from laughin so much as she enters wiping at her eyes.."The Sheep have sunk! Better go dry their fleece Eh boyos? And please could you count just one more time, I promise to interupt a lot!" Winks and goes to get a drink from Ray.

Sits atop the bar and plucks at a cherry and glances about mirth still in her eyes. Acknowledges Mad Jack, Merry, Rumba, Silkie, Lady B, Tempest, Capt. Sterling and anyone else I may have missed

[Ransom]

I look at Siren, who's laughing so hard she nearly chokes on the cherry in her drink.

"Sheep? There's been a party with sheep?" Now that, I says to meself, musta been some party. "But, where'd the feathers come from, I wonder?"

Siren is still too busy laughing to answer.