Chuck Norris

[Mad Matt]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This of course, to limit his strength & mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck norris flew back in time using a secret technique tought to him by bruce lee. There he roundhouse kicked leonardo da vinci and stole his plans to a machine leonardo has been working on his whole life. That machine was the total gym.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't $% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living poo out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the poo out of little kids.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris ate a rubiks cube and pooped it out solved.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

In WWII Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite. The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.

Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.

[Capt. Morgan]

The moral of the story? Dont @&%$! with Chuck!!

[Pirate Petee]

I think I just pissed myself.

[tishsparrow]

where did you find this???

[Mad Matt]

'Twas on another board (nothing even remotely related to pyracy). Good stuff, tho', eh?

[BeaufortsPyrateWench]

OH MY GOD>>>ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!! That made my day and I am going to copy it for me mate who teaches martial arts. Someone needs to send that to Conan O'Brian to go along with his "Walker Texas Ranger Leaver" Matt 10 cool points for you!

[Mad Matt]

Thanks. I often lose cool points 'round here. Glad I found a way t' get some back!

[Patrick Hand]

Thanks. I often lose cool points 'round here.

Just for that....... "TEN POINTS FROM GRIFFONDORE....."

[Mad Matt]

I am ever so grateful, sir. Here's t' you!

[Patrick Hand]

Hummm..... you must be Slytherin...... cool....

[tishsparrow]

wait... we went from chuck norris to harry potter...

how'd that happen?

(btw according to a test i took, i'm in ravenclaw)

[Mad Matt]

Chuck Norris kicks a$$! Well, maybe "roundhouse kicks ass" is more appropriate, here!

[Patrick Hand]

we went from chuck norris to harry potter...

Thats because Chuck Norris is going to be in the last Harry Potter movie...

He will become the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, and him and Harry will roundhouse kick Voldermorts a$$.....

Oh yah.... And 10 points from ravenclaw.....!!

[tishsparrow]

nooooo!

ravenclaw rules!

[Patrick Hand]

Sorry... didn't want to give away the ending of the Harry Potter stories...... OH well.......

ravenclaw rules!

Another 10 Points from Ravenclaw for that outburst........

I hope you realize that you are seriously hurting Ravenclaws chances at the House Cup.........

NOT that Ravenclaw had any chance at the House Cup....with Chuck Norris joining Slytherin....(Dang... giving away more of the last book....) BUT... Harry will also drop out of Griffondore and be joing Slytherin with Chuck Norris ...... Hey... you didn't think that Chuck Norris would join such a wimmpy house as Griffondore......did you ?

[tishsparrow]

you're horrible!

i might be getting a time turner like hermione had for my birthday.

ah, you all think i'm joking, dont you?

[Mad Matt]

'Tis a sad thing - a wonderful post honoring American Hero Chuck Norris has denigrated into a Harry Potter post...

[Patrick Hand]

Mad Matt..... you are right.... this never would have happened to a John Wayne post.........

OH yah..... and another 10 points from Griffondore

[Patrick Hand]

.... OH yah.... and did I tell you that Chuck Norris makes "women" (well that is the polite way to say what he did to them..)

of Hermoniy and Ginney and all the Hufflepuff girls.. (Hey everyone knows that all the cuties are in Hufflepuff)

Dang that Chuck Norris ... well he be some sorta magic.......

And MadMatt... just fer sh!tsangiggles.......

Another 10 points from Griffondore...........

[tishsparrow]

i just finished harry potter 6. got it for christmas. finished it yesterday (i read for about 5 hours at a time, had nothing better to do).

i hope J.K. Rowling knows what she's doing... poor dumbledore, poor harry, poor hogwarts...

[Patrick Hand]

i hope J.K. Rowling knows what she's doing... poor dumbledore, poor harry, poor hogwarts...

See... that's why Chuck Norris is going to roundhouse kick some a** and save Hogwarts..........

OH YAH.... and another 10 points from Ravenclaw..... you might have given part of book 6 away.........

(A friend lent me book 6, and I was about half way through it, when someone told me how it ended...... maybe I shoulda roundhouse kicked them....... Thats what Chuck Norris wouldda done.......)

[Mad Matt]

While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris is the only male to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.

Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell "Doom" in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

Chuck Norris does not see dead people; he makes people dead.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'".

[Mad Matt]

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

• Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Fat Chicks.

• Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

• When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

• Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

• Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

• Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

• Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

• Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

• Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

• Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

• Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

• Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

• One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

• After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

• Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

• At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

[Patrick Hand]

Valdermont refers to Chuck Norris as "He-who-can-not-be-maimed"

Dumbledor refers to Chuck Norris as "Sir"

Hermone wont let Chuck Norris join S.P.E.W. because he bites the heads off of house elves.

After Hermone refused to let Chuck Norris join S.P.E.W,.... well Madam Pomfrey says that the Extra strength Skele-Gro seems to be working.

Chuck Norris uses the dragons from the Tri Wizzard Tournement to light his cigars.

Chuck Norris was kind enough to lend Hogwarts his second favorite shot glass to use as the Gobblet of Fire.

Chuck Norris roundhousd kicked a powerfull wizzard so all that was left was the Sorting Hat.

Chuck Norris thinks that the Avada Kedavra curse tickles.

A large silvery roundhouse kick to the head is Chuck Norri's patronus.

Chuck Norris uses a pensive to store all of his memorys of all the people that he's killed with a roundhouse kick, even the Great Chuck Norris can't remember them all.

Chuck Norris won't have anything to do with Hagrids giant three headed dog Fluffy.... Chuck Norris dosen't have time for runts.

Chuck Norris dosen't need a wand, he just points his finger , and those who's heads don't explode do anything he says.

Chuck Norris does NOT use rattlesnakes for condoms... they are too small. Chuck Norris uses the giant snake from the Chamber of Secrets.... and it's still a tight fit...

The Dementors are the only living survivors of Chuck Norris "Pulling" a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris uses a time turner so he can go back to just befor he kills someone with a roundhouse kick and kill them a second time for fun.

Chuck Norris killed Nearly Hearless Nkick's brother...... Totaly Faceless Fred.

Chuck Norris dosen't go out with Ravenclaw girls... they break too easly.

[Patrick Hand]

The Highly prized “House Cup” is a Dixie cup that Chuck Norris once drank from.

Chuck Norris finds Quidditch too tame, even when it’s only him against 25 trolls and 13 dragons.

When playing Quidditch, the rules say that Chuck Norris MUST use a club to hit the Bludger… If he roundhouse kicks the Bludger, its velocity becomes unsafe.

After Chuck Norris spared with the Whomping Willow, it was only a shrub.

The Forbidden Forest is where Chuck Norris went to play as a child.

After just one look at Chuck Norris, the Veelas fall into a state of orgasmic ecstasy.

Ollivander wanted to make a wand using one of Chuck Norris’s hairs, but it proved to be way to powerful, and Ollivander has not been seen since.

The Hunchback statue was once a statue of a tall troll….. Until Chuck Norris gave it a friendly pat on the back.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to Apparate, he just jumps up, and the World turns under his feet to where he wanted to go.

The Sorcerer’s Stone is actually one of Chuck Norris’s magical boogers.

Chuck Norris isn’t a Muggle or a Wizard, He’s Chuck Norris!

Matt… look at the bright side, there are six Harry Potter books and only one Chuck Norris…. I’m running out of Harry Potter references….