jokes

[Rumba Rue]

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your

vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a

Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the

car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private

parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Hawk the QM]

There are so many pages that I don't know if this joke was told before. Sorry if it was. It looks odd because I copied it out of an email.

SPOILER ALERT! It has some naughty language. If you're reading this then you agree that you are a pirate and that you can deal with bad words. =)

SON OF A BITCH FISH.

> The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

> On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel

> it in.

>

> The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'

>

> 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

>

> 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'

>

> 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

>

> Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

>

> 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'

>

> 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?'

>

> 'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a

> Bitch!'

>

> Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

>

> While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his

> trip.

>

> 'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'

>

> Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

>

> 'It's OK, Sister. T hat's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'

>

> 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'

>

> Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit

> in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

>

> 'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.

>

> As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

> What are you doing Sister?'

>

> 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's

> Dinner'

>

> 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

>

> 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'

>

> 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and

> that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

>

> Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

>

> On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.. The Friar

> had prepared an excellent meal.

>

> The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

>

> The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

>

> 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.

>

> 'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.

>

> The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

>

>

> The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

>

> A big smile crept across his face as he said,

>

> 'You fuckers are my kind of people...

Edited February 5, 2009 by Thequartermaster

[Rumba Rue]

These are actual air traffic control exchanges from various sources:

=========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

===========================

German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

==========================

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[MadL]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

[Glasgow Jon]

What goes "Clip clop clip clop BANG !!, clip clop clip clop clip clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting !!

[Aerynfyre]

"A South Carolina Wife"

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Michigan.

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the

table.

The third man married a girl from South Carolina.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[Kian McBrian]

This one had me rolling on the floor for a bit.....

2 Doctors are lying in bed after sex. The man turned over and said "You must be an OBGYN because you can work it!!" to which she replied "You must be an Anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a damn thing!!"

o.0

[Aerynfyre]

Chili Cook Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for

you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time

Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the

San Antonio City Park . Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named

Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI 2 - AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI 3 - FRED’S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look

HOT. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

*****************************************************

CHILI 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At

least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop

breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If

I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s

going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot

chili?

Judge 3 - No Report

[MadL]

Well, it appears that Scotsmen in their kilts have noth'n on th' lassies:

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however

they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to

pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive

pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she

proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to

go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned

that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in

bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to

suspect the

worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,

'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that

said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never Forget you.''