Rummy3 Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 THE FACTS OF LIFE > >> > A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing > >>among three > >> > likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and > >>observes > >> > to see what they do with the money. > >> > The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty > >>salon gets > >> > her hair done, buys new make up , buys several new outfits and > >>dresses up > >> > very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to > >>be more > >> > attractive for him because she loves him so much. > >> > The man was impressed. > >> > The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a > >>new set of > >> > golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive > >>clothes. > >> > As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent > >>all the > >> > money on him because she loves him so much. > >> > Again, the man is impressed. > >> > The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns > >>several times > >> > the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the > >>remainder in a > >> > joint account. She Tells him that she wants to save for their > >>future > >> > because she loves him so much. > >> > Obviously, the man was impressed. > >> > The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done > >>with the > >> > money he'd given her. > >> > Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. > >> > Men are like that, you know.
tishsparrow Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 tsk, tsk. wait, didnt the women care that he was seeing three of them at once that he was considering marrying? never mind, just the boredom talking, it makes me think
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 Q: Why do over 3 million American kids play soccer?A: So they don't have to watch it. I thought it was to give their mothers a legitimate place to meet new boyfriends Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
pyratbabe Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, then pulls a small piano and a man to play it out of his bag and sets them on the bar. The bartender says "Dude, that's amazing! How did you come by this?" The man answers, "Well, I found this magic lamp. It's like Aladdin, you rub the lamp, a genie comes out and you get a wish." "Cool" says the bartender, "can I try, I'll give you a free drink." The man pulls out the magic lamp and says, "Sure, give it a rub." When the genie appears the man wishes for a million bucks. Suddenly the air is filled with the flapping of duck wings. The bartender says, "What is this, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks?!!?!" The man answers, "Yeah, he gets it a little wrong sometimes. So you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist? Myspace pagepyratbabe13@yahoo.comI have no true love but the sea. Arrrrr!
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, then pulls a small piano and a man to play it out of his bag and sets them on the bar. The bartender says "Dude, that's amazing! How did you come by this?"The man answers, "Well, I found this magic lamp. It's like Aladdin, you rub the lamp, a genie comes out and you get a wish." "Cool" says the bartender, "can I try, I'll give you a free drink." The man pulls out the magic lamp and says, "Sure, give it a rub." When the genie appears the man wishes for a million bucks. Suddenly the air is filled with the flapping of duck wings. The bartender says, "What is this, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks?!!?!" The man answers, "Yeah, he gets it a little wrong sometimes. So you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist? I like i like! here's one just came flyin in! Flight attendant meets the Princess...... An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!" Flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet -cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch." Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Rummy3 Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Lawyer story This is without question, the best lawyer story so far for 2005. The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea" And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted August 10, 2005 Author Posted August 10, 2005 X 2 Terrible Whats black and tan and looks great on a lawyers neck? no not a tie! answer: a rottweiller Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
HarborMaster Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 A friend of mine goes into the Social Security office to declare his 65th birthday and claim his Social Security benefits. The social worker asks him if she can see his Social Security Card. After a brief search .,he replies" I believe I left it at home" After some debate she asks him to lift his shirt so she can exam his chest. She the replies to him., you have plenty of grey hair going on there. I believe you and will grant your benefit. Later that night at dinner after explaining this to his wife., his wife exclaims "My Gawd your Stupid" ...., "If you would have dropped your shorts we could have gotten disability" I am not Lost .,I am Exploring. "If you give a man a fire, he will be warm for a night, if you set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life!"
tishsparrow Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 thats just wrong!!! hey, does anyone else ever read the south jersey deviler? i love that paper, and its free!
pyratbabe Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Where does a pirate keep her buccaneers? .................. Under her buckin'-hat. Tee-Hee Myspace pagepyratbabe13@yahoo.comI have no true love but the sea. Arrrrr!
tishsparrow Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 someone might have posted this, i dont know: how much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? a buccaneer! sorry, kinda silly really.
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 this was a bad idea...... skip three Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 never mind! do over! Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 there is this amazing blonde and she is 5 foot 6, 93 pounds 36 19 34 and this guy is staring at her while he's throwing darts at this pub shes in right so the blonde finally walks over and asks the guy why he's staring at her and he asks her if shed like to learn how to throw darts? she says yes and they have a completely storybook evening laughing and playing flirting and the likes and the bar is closing and she asks him to come home with her well he says I cant cause I married and she says why sure you can so influenced by her decree of yes and why nots he ends up- spending a night of nights with her, one that love story's will never touch the tip of the iceberg explaning. They found the entire kama sutra slow and boring together and finally by sun-up he had to leave and went to shower and the water didn't work in terror he found some talcum powder under the sink and rubbed a little into his pants right around the pockets and went home where his wife was up and waitin for him. He walked in and she said where have you been and he said Mable! I was out with the most stunning beautiful blonde I've ever met. We went back to her place where we made love in every way either of us had ever heard of. She looked at him and then his pants and said you did not you've been playing darts again all night..... Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
The Doctor Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 Q: What does a Scotsman wear beneath his kilt? Keep scrolling... Lower, lass... Aye, that's it... A: Lipstick, if he's lucky! Yo ho ho! Or does nobody actually say that?
Rummy3 Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 The Red Shirt of Courage :) Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
tishsparrow Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 wow. thats all i have to say, to both jokes...
The Doctor Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 As one prone to offering my political opinion, I've often been asked where I stand on homeless people. Actually, I prefer to step over them. (I know, I'm going to Hell for that one...) Why don't pyrates win on "Wheel of Fortune"? Because Pat thinks they keep asking for an "R", and they are always trying to buy an "I". Yo ho ho! Or does nobody actually say that?
The Doctor Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Mad Jack's Big List O' Bagpipe Jokes Looks at it this way: after reading these jokes, you probably won't endure anything as painful for the rest of the day. "I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig." -Alfred Hitchcock -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A bagpiper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A. Both are offensive and inaccurate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? A. Playing love songs on the pipes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? A. No one knows when to come in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean? A. A start. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? A. Who cares? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. To get away from the sound. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt? A. Shoes and socks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"? A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of "optimism" A. A bagpiper with a beeper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out. Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim. So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo.... Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong. "Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!" Yo ho ho! Or does nobody actually say that?
Rummy3 Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 ...nicd, Mad Jack! How about this one... The Photographer... The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use s surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to ..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in , embarrassed. "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Pleas! e come in a have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me, I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And some times the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor?" No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied! . "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate. And when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith lean forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
The Doctor Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 That's a great one, Rummy! And a good tripod is very important... :) Yo ho ho! Or does nobody actually say that?
Rummy3 Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Marth vs Maxine... The wenches in this group will appreciate this one! *Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. *Maxine's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway! *Martha's Way* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. *Maxine's Way * Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year. *Martha's Way* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. *Maxine's Way * Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. *Martha's Way* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." *Maxine's Way * If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" *Martha's Way* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. *Maxine's Way * Celery? Never heard of it! *Martha's Way* Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. *Maxine's Way * The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't. *Martha's Way* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. *Maxine's Way * Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! *Martha's Way* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. *Maxine's Way * Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. *Martha's Way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. *Maxine's Way * Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!
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