jokes

[MadL]

Dang, I LOVE this truck.

Morgan Dreadlocke, where th' 'ell did ye get yer truck from?!!?

I gotta Ford but every time I say "A$$ Hole" all I get is another long drawn out meaningless speech from Oba.....oh, never mind.

[MadL]

The Year's Best (Actual) Headlines!

Rumba Rue, ye forgot me favorite one:

Television New anchor woman states with sense of confidence and authority:

"the Coroner determined the cause of death to be Attempted Suicide"

Imagine if he succeeded!!!

[Merrydeath]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

[Rumba Rue]

It's always good to have a camera ready, take a look at these pictures!

[MadL]

Wow Rumba Rue, that be one heck of'a family album ye have!!

Please let me know when next ye be plan'n a family reunion - That Will Be A Riot!!!!

[Merrydeath]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard

from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates

through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the

drunk is screaming.

'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring all the

customers!'

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to

flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

'You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!'

[Shipwreck John]

GONE FISHING

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,

made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the Garage to hook

the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I

pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that

the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather ou t there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is

out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking. --

[Perkeo]

Movie: A Prairie Home Companion

Artist: Woody Harrelson

Song: Bad Jokes

(Feat. John C. Reilly)

The blind man's seeing eye dog

Pissed on the blind man's shoe

The blind man said, "Here Rover,

Here's a piece of beef for you."

His wife said, "Don't reward him.

You can't just let that pass."

The blind man said,

"I gotta find his mouth,

so I can kick him in the ass."

Chorus

Bad Jokes,

Lord I love them.

Bad jokes,

Can't get enough of 'em.

Oo oo oo whee,

Bad jokes for me.

You got one Dusty.

I got one Lefty.

Let's hear it.

When God created woman,

He gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way

God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God,

With middle breast in hand.

Said "What do we do,

With the useless boob?"

And God created man.

Bad Jokes,

Lord I love them.

Bad jokes,

Can't get enough of 'em.

Oo oo oo whee,

Bad jokes for me.

Gramps turned 80 the other day,

And everybody was there.

And he was dressed up in a brand new suit,

Sitting in his big lawn chair.

When a beautiful young naked woman,

Stood up in front of the group.

She offered gramps some super sex ,

And he said, "I'll take the soup!"

Bad Jokes,

Lord I love them.

Bad jokes,

Can't get enough of 'em.

oo oo oo whee,

Bad jokes for me.

You ready for another one?

Yea, lay it on me.

Ole went to the neighborhood dance,

And he won the big door prize.

Was a toilet brush,

And he took it home.

And the next week one of the guys,

Said, "Ole, how's that toilet brush,

The one you won from the neighbors?"

Ole said, "Oh, it works pretty good,

But I prefer toilet paper."

Bad Jokes,

Lord I love them.

Bad jokes,

Can't get enough of 'em.

Oo oo oo whee,

Bad jokes for me.

The farmer had a champion bull,

Bred 200 times a year.

The farmer's wife said, "200 times!

Isn't that wonderful dear?

Maybe you oughta watch 'em

Maybe he'll show you how."

The farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull,

But it wasn't all with same cow."

Come on now.

Bad Jokes,

Lord I love them.

Bad jokes,

Can't get enough of 'em.

Oo oo oo whee,

Bad jokes for me.

You gotta another one Dusty?

Actually I do.

You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?

No, who they think did it?

Well they don't know,

But they're on the lookout for hardened criminals.

You got another one?

I got another one Lefty.

Sven said to his friend,

"O, I think my wife died."

His friend said, "O, what do ya mean you think?"

"Well, the sex is still the same,

But the dishes are stacking up."

Hey Dusty.

Yea Lefty.

Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?

No, I didn't.

Yea, it runs in your jeans.

Hey, uh, Lefty.

Yea, go aheadin.

Why do they call it PMS?

PMS, well I don't know why?

'Cuz Mad Cow was already taken.

Hey, Dusty.

Yea, Lefty.

What do you get when you cross

Holy water with castor oil?

I don't know Lefty.

What do you get?

A religious movement.

Hey, uh, hey, Lefty.

What did the elephant

say to the naked man?

What'd he say?

"It's cute, but can you really breath

through that thing?"

[Come on.]

Bad Jokes,

Lord I love 'em.

Bad jokes,

Can't get enough of 'em.

Oo oo oo whee,

Bad jokes for me.

Bad Jokes,

Man I love 'em.

Bad jokes,

Can't get enough of 'em.

Oo oo oo whee,

Baaaad, Whoo

jokes for meee.

[Hey!]

[Rumba Rue]

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION; A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE

1. The nicest thing about the future is it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that, at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who anxiously awaits his 16th birthday.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM: It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team's winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like

it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Kia.

19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[Merrydeath]

bumper snickers for the female pirate..

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN’T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO.

BUT LIKE…WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13.AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I’M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20.HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I’M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I’M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON’T UPSET ME! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

[Rumba Rue]

LOL! I like the first one so well, I'm stealing it for my sig.

[MadL]

So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

*submitted by me youngest daughter, I KNEW there be pyrate blood in her - AHRRRR!

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[MadL]

The WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: January 17, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Dress cool for it sure is hot down here!!!!

Edited January 19, 2009 by MadL

[Patrick Hand]

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

Well yeah.....wot we are suppose to turn on from... behave to hot ... in 60 seconds?

Ain't that the biggest joke of all?

Awh heck.. I'm just inna bad mood.....

[Capt. Bo of the WTF co.]

When I visited my sister and future brother-in-law near Chicago, we went out to get some rum. As we approach an intersection the light turned red and he floored it sailing us through the intersection just avoiding a collision. This happened three more times along the way, whenever a light turned red, he sped right through it. I kept quiet and a death grip on whatever I could find. Finally, a light turned green and so I thought we would be safe, but he slams on the brakes and nearly threw me from the seat. I could stand no more and says to him; "What the hell are you doing? You ran every red light along the way, and now you stop for a green light!?!" He says back; "Yeah, this is my brothers neighborhood and he drives just like me!

Bo

[Poopdeck Pappy]

A male whale swims up to a female, and the male whale says" See that whaling boat over there it killed my brother, will you help me sink it?"

The female whale says "Sure what do you want me to do?"

The male whale says" We'll swim under underneath her and when I give the word blow as hard as you can out your blowhole, this will cause here to capsize."

So both whales swim underneath and capize the whaling boat sending all the sailors into the sea.

The male and female whale come up to the surface for a breath of fresh air; the male whale says" I have one more favor to ask you, go over there and eat all those sailors."

The female whale says" HOLD ON BUDDY!!! A free blow job is one thing, but swallowing seamen is something completely different!"

[Cannibal Chrispy]

Q: What do a pirate and a bleach blonde have in common?

A: A little black patch.

[Patrick Hand]

"She has such nice blond hair, I wonder why she dyes her roots black ?......"

[MadL]

"She has such nice blond hair, I wonder why she dyes her roots black ?......"

t' help her spot th' dandruff?

....might help if she stands on her head too

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

Be Ye farwarned this ones a little rough

Paddy McDoo walks into the pub and sees Slimey sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Paddy says, "Slimey, what arr you so happy for?"

"Well Paddy, I gots ta tell ya... Yesterday I was out paintin' me skiff, just paintin' me skiff, and a redheaded wench came up to me.. bosom out to here, Paddy, bosom out to here!"

She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?"

Says I, "Sure you can have a ride in me boat." So I took her way out, Paddy. I luffs the sail an I says "It's either shaggin'or swimmin'!"

"She couldn't swim, Paddy, She couldn't swim!"

The next day Paddy walks into the pub and sees Slimey sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Paddy says, "What arr you so happy about today?"

"Well Paddy.... I gots ta tell ya... Yesterday I was out paintin' me skiff, just paintin' me skiff and a BEAUTIFUL blond comes up to me...bosom out to here, Paddy, bosom out to here!

She says,"Can I have a ride in your boat?"

I tells her, "Sure you can have a ride in me boat." So I took her way out, Paddy. Way out much further than the last one. I luffs the sail and I says, "It's either shaggin' or swimmin!"

"She couldn't swim, Paddy! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Paddy walks into the pub and sees Slimey down there cryin' over a beer. Paddy says, "Slimey, what ya so sad fer?"

"Well Paddy, I gots ta be tellin' ya.... Yesterday I was out paintin' me skiff, just paintin' me skiff, and the most desirable brunette comes up to me... bosom WAY out to here, Paddy, WAY out to here!"

She says, "Can I have a ride in your skiff?"

So I says, "Sure you can have a ride in my skiff." So I took her way out, Paddy, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I luffs the sail, and looks at her bosom, and says, "It's either shaggin' or swimmin!"

She pulls up her skirts and.....She was asportin' manhood, Paddy!, more manhood than any three shipwrecked cutthroats combined, ... and I can't swim Paddy! I can't swim!"

[michaelsbagley]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, acre and half with nice home.

No, I mean what is the foundation?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger ?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at Drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read. It say: 'Polish Remover.'

[Graydog]

Say did you hear that the 2009 Ford F-150 pickups come with a heated tailgate?

Yea, keeps your hands warm while you push them!

[Kenneth]

A teacher asks her class to use the word definitely in a sentence.

One child answers, "the grass is definitley green" and the teacher points out that grass is sometimes brown when not watered so it's not definitley green.

Another child says, "the sky is definitley blue" and the teacher points out sometimes it's gray or red or yellow, so it not definitley blue.

Another child says, "is a fart lumpy?" and the teacher replies, "no farts are not lumpy and you shouldn't say that word in class"

Then the child says, "well if farts aren't lumpy then I definitley shit my pants"

[Graydog]

Did you hear about the pirate's parrot that fell in love with a duck?

The bird kept saying, "Polly wants a quacker".