jokes

[MadL]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.

A blond came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have

lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly

what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is click here - Photograph of a 'Seven-Hundred-Ten'

[MadL]

Mad L's First Grade Test Trouble

Me first-grade teacher was having trouble with me, she say I would not behave and always disrupted the class.

The teacher asked, "Mad L what is your problem?"

I answered her, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took me to the principal's office.

While I waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed Mad L was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and

He agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Mad L: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Mad L: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Mad L can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and me both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Mad L: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Mad L: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Mad L: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Mad L: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Mad L: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the

answer...)

Mad L: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Mad L: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"

Mad L: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first"

(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense) Mad L: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"

Mad L: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Mad L: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Mad L: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[MadL]

Does it hurt when you tinkle?

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[MadL]

One day a blond pirate was walking with a brunette pirate through the streets of Tortuga. The brunette pirate saw a dead parrot and said "Hey look, a dead parrot". The blond pirate looked up in the air and said "Where?".

--------

Q: Why do Blond Pirates have 'TGIF' written on their boots?

A: Toes Go In First.

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Q: Why did the Blond Pirate Captain stand motionless and smiling at the helm during lightning storms?

A: He thought his crew was taking his picture.

-----

There's this young blond wench out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blond wench on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blond wench looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

------

A pirate family is at the ship's dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many

kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are only for decoration."

---------

11 people were hanging on a rope from a plane. 10 were blond, 1 was brunette. The rope starts to give, so they decide someone has to jump. So the brunette gives a really touching speech about why she should jump instead of one of them. After her speech, all the blonds start to clap...

[lady snow]

the three churches in the town were getting infested with squirrels,

the first pastor said that the squirrels were creatures of god and since they were here first they had every right to be there. so the pastor let the squirrels stay and they multiplu=ied and took over the church building.

the second pastor humanely trapped all the squirrels and let them go in the wild and they came back in a couple of months so he repeated the process over and over.

the third pastor baptized all the squirrels, made them christians, registered them in the parish and now only sees them on christmas and easter.

[MadL]

Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts the second.

The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first nun.

"Show him your cross! Show Him Your Cross!!" says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window, shakes her fist violently and shouts:

"GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!!"

.....me thinks the first nun may be a blond nun

[lady snow]

watch what you say about blondes buckeroo! i think she was right!

[michaelsbagley]

Not so much a joke, but a whole bunch of really hilarious writings of students from grade 8 to college about history...

History through the eyes of the students of today

[MadL]

Not so much a joke, but a whole bunch of really hilarious writings of students from grade 8 to college about history...

History through the eyes of the students of today

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

Reminds me of the news report where the reporter said:

"...the man's cause of death has been determined as 'Attempted Suicide'"

....and he said it with a serious face too!

I still wonder just how much deader he would be if he actually succeeded in his attempt to commit suicide?????

[michaelsbagley]

Funny, in high school I had a teacher that loved to point out that suicide was against the law... It's a capital offence.

[Patrick Hand]

Hey, this is my faovrite one....

Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense

(and I won't even post a bad joke 'bout being well hung..... )

[MadL]

Aye! Aye!

Let it be known that from this day forth, anyone who so should commit suicide shall walk the plank....twice!

uh, michaelsbagley, can we borrow yer plank please?

[Rumba Rue]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

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OK! Here it is!

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A COMMON TATER

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Jamaican Sandals

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store. The Salesman said to them, 'I have some very special Jamaican sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after Some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet! You Got dem on the wrong feet!

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

A pirate is walking along the docks in Port Royal and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at 500 shillin's for a hand-job."

Pirate says, "500 shillin's! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that pub on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the pub about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third pub"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give service that's worth 500 shillin's."

Pirate says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby inn.

A short time later, the pirate is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 shillin. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose sumptin' oral is 1,000 shillin's?"

The hooker replies, "1,500."

Pirate hollers, "I wouldn't pay that!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, Soggy-boy. Do you see that gamblin' establishment just across the street? I own that place outright. And I own it because I give service that's worth 1,500 shillin's."

The pirate, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the buyin' supplies for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the crews share profits for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much a good old fashioned roll in the sack?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Port Royal is laid out before us, all those mercantile stores, shipyards, and warehouses?"

"Damn!" the Pirate says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies,-

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"but I would if I was a woman."

[MadL]

Morgan Dreadlocke, take th' poop deck for cuz I ain't touch'n that one with a ten foot gaff!

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

Tellin' bad jokes is one thing but wastin' a good gaff like that is a floggin' offence.

The Hair cut......

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again rep lies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[MadL]

Morgan Dreadlocke, now ye do know this here be a "Jokes" thread, nay a "True as Oak" collection....do ye not?

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

Swamp oak be twisted an knarly so's I must be callin' 'em as I sees 'em.

(definitly need rum goggles before postin' "The Lucky Ugly Guy")

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

I was awalkin' past an old derelict pub this afternoon. A bunch 'o bootleggers was hangin' out a second story window, carryin' on, pointin' at the ground and hollerin' THIRTEEN ! THIRTEEN ! THIRTEEN!

I could nae see over the fence so's I peeked through a knot hole ta see what was a'happenin'. Some bastard pokes me in the eye wi' a stick and they all starts a'hollerin' FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!

[Rumba Rue]

Subject: Nice...joke....

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again

asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by

adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that

stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,

shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose

of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

person who doesn't get it.

9 Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running

late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra

credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all

these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes

and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter

when they come at you rapidly.

15 Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets

into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n): The color you turn after finding half a worm

in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/ ) has also

published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which

readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for

common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight

one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing

only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has

been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.

13. Oyster , n a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

14. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up

onto the roof and gets stuck there.

15. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Rumba Rue]

Teacher and kids and what they say:

Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

I bought a new Ford F-150 and returned to the dealer the next day

because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that

the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson", the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or

Willie?"

Willie, he continued and On the Road Again came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles", and in an instant, Georgia On My Mind

replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say,

"Beethoven", I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

"Beatles", ‘I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a van full of illegals ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "A$$ Holes".

Immediately, the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane

Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie

Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on

Harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill

Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.

Dang, I LOVE this truck.

[Rumba Rue]

[BriarRose Kildare]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

[Rumba Rue]

The Year's Best (Actual) Headlines!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?

Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?