jokes

[GreenBeard]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[GreenBeard]

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."

The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small penis.

The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"

The patient then said, "It's swollen."

[Rumba Rue]

Blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited ..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ..... box

said "2-4 years!"

April

Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid ..... wrong instructions .... 8 cups of water

won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing....... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..... learned later the other

swimmers cheated and they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm ..... car swamped because

soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is "C"..... isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's ..... they are so hard to peel .

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..... instructions said 1 hour per pound

and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..... there's no "eleven" button on the

stupid phone!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR -- SO FAR --

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde

female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her

mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the

house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box,

and again, opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into

the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out

again, marched to the mail box, opened it, and then slammed it closed

harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[Rumba Rue]

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

Good Luck!

[Graydog]

^

|

|

Another success story in standardized testing.

:angry:

[Rumba Rue]

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing

suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are

these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring

anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 21st century persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ken's letter to Santa

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks

were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever

considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be

considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie

needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this

issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

[Graydog]

Dear Ms. Barbie and Mr. Ken:

I am in receipt of your letters dated at the last instance. Before I get too far in a response let me remind you that the U.S. Civil Rights Act, American’s with Disabilities Act both I & II, U.S. Code Title 10, and further those ideals expressed on a planetary basis as a general statement of rights under the U.N. Human Rights Commission do not allow for any rights or privileges afforded to plastic dolls. It is only through my magnanimous nature and jolly soul that I am entertaining your requests. Ho, ho, ho.

Speaking of ho, that brings me to you Ms. Barbie. Or should that be Frauline Lilli? I am well aware that you started off as a sex toy in Germany in the 1950’s. Its no understatement to point out that your beauty remains while Pamela Anderson's, who is many years younger and made of more plastic than you, is starting to fade.

You are requesting to become a frumpy house frau, and that is going to reward good little girls, how? Oh, gee, if I work at it I can become a dumpy middle-aged lady in sweats. Is that the example we want to give young ladies?

Then your request for sex organs. I mean really! You do recall how rushed you wanted and grateful you were to get rid of them when you got off the boat from Germany? Maybe, your request should be honored and then I could drop you off at that little shop in Dusseldorf that puts in that request for you every year? (Oh, fear not, that won’t happen, as they are on Santa’s REALLY bad list.)

Then there was your “career” request. Being a Medic in Desert Storm and an Astronaut were not good enough careers for you? Yea, showing children the importance of public service, that’s a bad thing. Listen up Ms. Barbie, the 1980’s are over and the material girl in a material world ain’t happening today. Frankly, I find your lack of standards, desire for under achievement and, yet, over reward not in keeping with the “good list” philosophy.

Lastly you want a breast reduction. Look, you and I both know this whole elf making toys gig is half the story. Capital, you know money, without that we have no supplies for fabrication of product, zip, nada, nothing. So, how do I get capital? Guilty, Fathers. Fully 85.86% of our operating budget is generated from guilty fathers providing our corporation with funds to make up for their actions during the year. (Santa denies the rumors that said funding results in additions to the “good list”.) Honey, listen, those guys like to buy for their daughters the doll that’s pleasing to their own eye. Those knockers stay. You trying to shut us down?

Ms. Barbie, overall I find your requests self-serving, and delusional. However, I am willing to fore go any final judgment owing to the fact you are an empty headed blond.

Empty headed of course brings me to you, Mr. Ken. Just joking, guy. Some very reasonable requests there. You got it buddy. Say, I am listening to Judy Garland later want to drop by?

Sincerely,

Mr. S. Claus

“Ho, ho, ho” copyright 1673

[Patrick Hand]

Subject: The Irishman and the Mormon

------------------------------

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Rumba Rue]

New Year's Resolutions:

RESOLUTION #1:

2002: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2003: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2004: I will read 5 books a year.

2005: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2006: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2007: I will read at least one article this year.

2008: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2002: I will get my weight down below 180.

2003: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2004: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2006: I will work out 5 days a week.

2007: I will work out 3 days a week.

2008: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

2002: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2006.

2006: I will be totally out of debt by 2007.

2007: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2008.

2008: I will try to be out of the country by 2009.

RESOLUTION #4:

2005: I will try to be a better boyfriend to Marge.

2006: I will not leave Marge.

2007: I will try for reconciliation with Marge.

2008: I will try to be a better boyfriend to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2005: I will stop looking at other women.

2006: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2007: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another relationship.

2008: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2005: I will not let my boss push me around.

2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2008: I will tell Dr. Hedger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2005: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2006: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2007: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2008: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2005: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2006: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2007: I will not become a "problem drinker".

2008: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2005: I will see my dentist this year.

2006: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2007: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2008: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2005: I will go to church every Sunday.

2006: I will go to church as often as possible.

2007: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2008: I will try to catch the late night sermonise on TV.

[Kenneth]

A Jewish attorney loses his mother and has to put his elderly father in a convalescent home. His father puts up quite a fight but in the end agrees its for the best.

A few monthes later, he comes back to check on his dad.

He tells his father, "Dad, I've decided to take you back home with me and take care of you"

The father replies, "No way! I love it here. The people here have such a great sense of humor! I laugh all day! My roomate, has glasses 2 inches thick and they call him Eagle eyes! The guy down the hall uses a walker and they call him Speedy! And me, your father......I haven't had sex in 25 years and they call me the Fucking Jew!

[Rumba Rue]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan . Go figure!

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[Rumba Rue]

The 11thHusband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me."

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it."

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him."

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"......

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

[Iron Bess]

(Ahem) I feel justified at adding this one! : )

A fiddle player who, while visiting the local Pub, was asked for a dollar donation to help with the funeral cost of a local Bodhran player.

"Here's two dollars" he says, "Bury another."

[Graydog]

Young girl goes into a photo shop. Drops off her negatives and leaves extremely happy.

Why are you so happy young girl?

Because I know some day my prints will come.

-Put sound of Rim Shot here-

I know, I know, some of you are asking, what the devil is a negative and isn't photoshop a program? Give an old fart a brake will ya?

-Greydog

[Captain Midnight]

A father, who is an avid deer hunter, decides to take his 11 year old son on his first hunting trip. They get to the woods, and the man gets his son all set up in his blind. "Now son, I want you to sit here and I don't want to hear a peep out of you, unless it's the report of your rifle bringing down a nice buck. I'll be just a ways over there in my stand if you need me." The man treks over to his stand, and just as he's getting all settled in, he hears the most awful racket coming from his young son's stand. He rushes back over, and finds his boy yelling, flailing his arms and dancing around like a madman, his rifle and gear strewn haphazardly on the ground at his feet. "Son! What in the world is wrong with you?!! I thought I told you not to make a peep over here!?" The boy replied, "Dad, I did the absolute best I could. When that snake slithered over the top of my boots, I shivered and bit my lip, but I didn't make a sound. Then, a big black bear came up behind me and was breathing down my neck, and I just froze, trembling, and shut my eyes and didn't make a sound until he went away. I thought I was home-free until those two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one ask the other: "You wanna eat 'em now , or take 'em with us?"

[captjacksparrowsavvvy]

you'll be sorry after you hear mine...I do these for my kids at church...this one I sign-

What is a pirate's favorite letter? "R" arrrrr

What did the pirate santa say? yo ho ho

Ok, that's it. I will not quit my day job...

[Rumba Rue]

HEADLINES...... 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every high school in United States ..

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[Rumba Rue]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces

violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend

Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

[Red Cat Jenny]

[Rumba Rue]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. . . .

Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Red-Handed Jill]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirmed that he was interested. She told him that since her husband Bill worked Friday afternoons and John didn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[BriarRose Kildare]

[Rumba Rue]

Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, " Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[Christine]

> The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

> The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor

> of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before

> I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

> What is your first request?"

> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

> The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who

> whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that

> evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

> As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

> and spends the night.

> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a

> very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is

> your second request?"

> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to

> him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes

> off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

> Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this

> time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters

> the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are

> indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is

> your last request?"

> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

> The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone

> Ranger's tent.

> Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him

> square in the eye and says, ; "Listen very carefully you dumb ass

> horse. For the last time . . BRING POSSEE".

[Rumba Rue]

New Oldies for the Oldies

Oh, the times they are a changing.

Subject: New Lyrics

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

Th e Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again