jokes

[Patrick Hand]

Ok... It's a cartoon I drew, and not exactly a joke.........

[Patrick Hand]

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped

My electric shaver,

Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all

The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against

The steering wheel,

it knocked

my cell phone

away from my ear

which fell

into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed,

and burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

ruined the damn phone,

soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an

important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Red Cat Jenny]

heehehe..you forgot wimmin backing up in parking lots...dangerous!!

[Skull pyrate Carter]

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

[Mad Matt]

Whayda call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Wait for it......

WAIT FOR IT........

A Quarter-Pounder with cheese.

[Patrick Hand]

Check out this page... all about the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide....

http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

[Skull pyrate Carter]

Penn & Teller did an experiment with the whole Dihydrogen Monoxide thing. they had a bunch of hippies signing a petition to outlaw it and a bunch of people kept signing it without any thought or questions! People are the biggest idiots.

[Patrick Hand]

Yah... kinda funny....

If you haven't looked at the Dihydrogen Monoxide page...

http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

Read it first.....

Then Read the "Punch-line".....

You did read it first didn't you ?

OK.... the punch line.....

Dihydrogen Monoxide, is two molecules of Hydrogen and one of Oxygen....

usually it is written as H2O...... Water!

[Skull pyrate Carter]

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Not funny.

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Let the b*tch cook in the dark.

An 80 year-old man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I'm 80, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I sinned and had an affair with two 18 year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest says, "My son, when was the last time you went to confession?"

The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

[GreenBeard]

The Loan

A man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked

out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Bada Bing!

[Skull pyrate Carter]

President Bush goes into a Primary School to meet the kids. There's a question session and a boy puts his hand up. Bush asks him his name.

"Stanley," says the boy.

"And what's your question Stanley?"

The boy replies, "I have four questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without UN support? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? And fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Before Bush can answer, the bell rings. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after the break.

When they resume, a different boy puts up his hand. George asks him his name.

"Johnnie," he responds.

"And what is your question Johnnie?"

"Actually I have six questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without UN support? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early today? And sixth, what the pancake happened to Stanley?"

[GreenBeard]

Flakey Murder

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

[GreenBeard]

Lawyers and computers

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

[GreenBeard]

British Airways flight 602

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

[GreenBeard]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

[Shipwreck John]

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

Wait for it .......

Wait ...............

"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening !

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

[Rumba Rue]

Out of the mouths of babes:

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE OCEAN

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea."

Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their

experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of

the 'better' ones. Here are some of the descriptions of "ocean

life."

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels

can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea

where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.

(Christopher age 7)

Oysters' balls are called pearls!

(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't

have sea all around you, you are incontinent.

( Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just

like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

(Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with

crabs.

(Millie age 7)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to

cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the

sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they

would be

better off eating beans.

(William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny

tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?

(Helen age 7)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it

makes my willy small.

(Kevin age 6)

[Patrick Hand]

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just

like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

There's a really funny joke here...... I'm just not figgurin' it out.......

[LongTom]

Mullah Nasrudin was seated among his friends one afternoon, sipping Turkish coffee and discussing the concept of marriage. Nasrudin leaned back, stretched, and said, "Ah, my friends, let me tell you of my search for the perfect wife. In my youth I was quite particular about what qualities my perfect wife must have. She must be beautiful above other women. She must be intelligent and well educated. She must have an ample dowry to bring to the marriage." And on and on, quality after quality.

"For years, I searched for this woman among women. And then, one day," Nasrudin declared, "I found her! The perfect woman! There she was...beautiful, rich, young, charming, well traveled, a refined intellect...everything I had been searching for. And single!" His friends leaned forward, excitedly. "But Nasrudin, here you are, still without a wife! What happened? Why didn't you marry her?"

Nasrudin shrugged. "She was looking for the perfect man."

[Red Cat Jenny]

[Rumba Rue]

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father

said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a

suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joe told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling

out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!

[Red Cat Jenny]

Rumba thanks! I needed a laugh! Glad to have ye back dear!

[GreenBeard]

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

[Rumba Rue]

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie , Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.

It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to her barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink and were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

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[BriarRose Kildare]

Thanks for the laugh Rumba Rue. You just made my day.