jokes

[Barbados Sam]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully .................for the last time ....... I said..... BRING POSSE,..... P-O-S-S-E!"

[jim hawkins]

Whats the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress?

In the Library of Congress they don't let you lick the pages.

[Fox]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is no longer interested in sex.

"Have you thought about viagra?" asks the doctor.

"The trouble is that he's a very proud man and would never take it" replies the woman.

"That's no problem" quoth the quack, "I'll give you the viagra, then when he's not lokoing you can grind it up and slip it into his coffee."

A couple of weeks later the lady is back at the doctor's and he asks her how the viagra worked out.

"It was fantastic!" she says, "I slipped it into his coffee like you said. He rank his coffee and instantly had a raging bone, he grabbed me, tore my clothes off, bent me over the table, and screwed me hard like we were teenagers again."

"Great, do you want some more?" asks the doc, but the woman says she'd better not.

"Why ever not?" doc inquires.

"I can't show my face in Starbucks again!"

[Patrick Hand]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,

"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[Barbados Sam]

IF SANTA ANSWERED HIS MAIL HONESTLY....

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all

Yeer.

yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about

I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm

giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

--------------------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they??

Santa

------------------------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do??

Love Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your

frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that

dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

--------------------------

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a

drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set

you up with a Barbie.

Santa

------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when

riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of

scotch.

Santa

---------------------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making

toys??

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas, where I

spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by

drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

skipping your house.

Santa

---------------------------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE

PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap

doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

------------------------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your

ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a

low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like

the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

[Barbados Sam]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

[Barbados Sam]

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on

her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a

safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector

light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got

there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the

dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Patrick Hand]

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ... nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?....... Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[Patrick Hand]

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your Governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[The Doctor]

If you think you're in a foul mood, check out this fluffball -

[Barbados Sam]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute

nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and

I don't give a shit.

[Barbados Sam]

Old Man versus Young Man

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, dumb ass! Get in."

[Black Anne Rose]

Well, I wasn't able to readall the 586 jokes, so maybe this one is already posted somewhere, but ok...

Two unemployed Chinese come to find work in England. They try it everywhere, everything. Loyer, salesman... they can't even succeed at the supermarket. Then they come at a mine.

"Erm... well... I might have some work fer ye guys..." the mine owner told the two Chinese. He points to one of them. "Ye is going te dig down that hall over there and look fer any gemstones." The Chinese man got to work. "And ye," while pointing to the other Chinese man. "Ye takes care of th' supplies."

After two days, the mine owner comes to check up at the Chinese again. He finds one of them at the end of the hall, digging for gemstones. There is a good gemstone-filled kart next to him. Then he goes further in search of the 2nd Chinese man. He searches at every storage, checks every supplies... but can't find his newest employee. Then, suddenly, the man jumps out of a corridor and shouts: "SURPLISE!"

[Barbados Sam]

Why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked. “Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME”

[Barbados Sam]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call for a woman in labor. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl , to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mother Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .....spank him again!"

[Shipwreck John]

Can't remember if I posted this one yet....

The phone rings and the husband answers the phone.

He just listens and then says "how the heck do I know... I live 20 miles from the ocean!" and he then hangs up.

His wife asks what that was all about.

He said," oh some idiot wants to know if the coast is clear.

[Shipwreck John]

JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...

Blonde Caller:

"Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator:

"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blond Caller:

"On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?

[Shipwreck John]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[CrazyCholeBlack]

the little swabs newest joke:

What did they play while the cookie was getting married?

Here crumbs the bride.

[Barbados Sam]

I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell

me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and

room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her

nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh,

good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal

and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged

Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!

God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.

[Rumba Rue]

"Excerpts From The Cat's Daily Diary"

Day 283 Of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little

dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,

while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing

that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the

mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional

piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another

house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving

around their feet while they were walking almost

succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In

an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile

oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit

on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless

body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am

capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.

They only cooed and condescended about what a good

little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.

I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However,

I could hear the noise and smell the food. More

importantly I overheard that my confinement

was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what

this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and

maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and

seems more than happy to return. He is obviously

a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be

an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am

certain he reports my every move. Due to his current

placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. . . .

[Red-Handed Jill]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home, walking proudly.

He walked into the house and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down

today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Margaret replied... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert…. Shoulda bought a Hat!"

[Red-Handed Jill]

Cat Diary Human Translator

'HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY...'

Means humans want to take you somewhere, most likely the Vet. Avoid it.

'I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!'

Probably left over human food they were about to throw out.

'HERE'S SOME KITTY TREATS...'

Most likely another foil wrapped appeals-to-a-human Madison Avenue concoction.

Real kitty treats are usually opportunities when no one's paying attention and you get to lick the ice cream in the bowl, or jump on the table for that great piece of meat loaf.

'YOU ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!'

You are about to rub noses with a human. They can never get enough of our tiny fur- coated bodies and irresistible faces. Human noses are sooo warm. Ugh.

'YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR!' or 'YOU'RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH OF THE BED!'

You picked the right spot. You are right where you should be.

'DARN CAT HAIR!'

You left your hair out in the open where humans can see it and properly clean it up.

'STOP THAT!'

Means you were caught. Remember exactly where you were and get back to it - once they leave the house.

'GET OUT OF HERE!'

Do not take this personally. It's usually the first thing they say after you wake them up by sticking your backside in their face.

SNAPPING OF FINGERS:

They want you to come over. If they want me, they'll come get me. Otherwise, get a dog.

'I LOVE YOU...'

Means just that. No translation needed here. And we love you, too.

[Shipwreck John]

Easter

[Rumba Rue]

Oh I must find fresh victims for this one!