jokes

[Rummy3]

OK, here's one I heard yesterday,

An Irish Pub Joke...

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'

[lady snow]

a guy walks into a restaurant followed by an ostrich. he orders a steak and a coke and the ostrich says 'i'll have the same' the next night it happens again and the owner asked what was going on. the man said it was all the genie's fault. 'what?' he asked. 'you see - i found a lamp on the beacha nd rubbed it and out popped a genie who said he would grant nme one wish. i told him that i wished for a long-legged exotic chick that agreed with everything i said..........'

[Barbados Sam]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOG-wbP2miE

[Barbados Sam]

Golf Etiquette:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OF

[Barbados Sam]

FOUR THOUGHTS TO PONDER....

1. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

2. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a man without an erection, make him a sandwich.

3. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

4. Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

[Rummy3]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly

gentleman and an elderly lady

struck up a conversation and discovered that

they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,

they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they

headed to the river to his fishing boat and

started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a

fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt

and pants and made mad passionate love to the man

right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe

what had just happened, but he had just experienced

the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the

river, when soon they came upon another fork in the

river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,

and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so

he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,

riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in

river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman

guided the boat down the river when he came upon

another fork in the river and he asked the

lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked

you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad

passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing

my hearing aid and I thought the choices were

fuck or drown.

[Barbados Sam]

[Merrydeath]

my sister-in-law has 5 kids in 9 years. She says its because her spouse would ask her in the middle of the night.

." Do you want to sleep or what??"

and she would say sleepily.. "Whaaaaaaat?"

[Merrydeath]

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.

[Barbados Sam]

A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down on a stool he

noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention

and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

he man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',

'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a

different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started

discussing Nascar racing, the latest basket ball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a

stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,

"Are....your....people....going....to....nominate....Hillary-?????

[Biker]

Posted: Aug. 16 2006,16:50

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

government?

Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround

yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to

answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in

here, would

you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and

father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.

Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick

Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a

child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm

not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that

one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none

can

give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and

recognizes

Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you

answer this for me? Your mother & father have a child and it's not

your

brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell

yells back, "That's

easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did

some

research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush

gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Merrydeath]

Osama bin Laden goes to a psychic who says "You will die on an American holiday" Needless to say bin Laden is shocked.

"Which one?" he asks.

"Doesn't matter", says the psychic. "Whatever day you die will become an American holiday."

[Barbados Sam]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."!

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week , I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[Barbados Sam]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart . Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why in the @#$%&* would your stupid @#$%&* dumb ass think they're twins?........ Do you really think they @#$%&* look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice

[Rumba Rue]

Received as an email from my dad:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your

cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of our life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[Christine]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered,

there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with

a bright, "T-G-I-F!"

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she

smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as

possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

"'T-G-I-F" means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H- I-T"' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

[Merrydeath]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right number idiot!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot

ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his

number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,

"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the

car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole ..1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me." he screamed.

"Make me." I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house. My black

Beemer is parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said!

"I'll kick your ass." he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works....

[Barbados Sam]

The phone company hired a group of Pirates and a group of Gypsies to install some telephone poles. At the end of the week, both crews reported to the supervisor.

The supervisor asked the Pirate team how many poles they installed. The Pirates replied "20 poles, mate"

"Very good lads. Well done.", then turning to the Gypsy leader asked the same question.

"We put in 2 poles."

"Two poles?", exlaimed the shocked supervisor, "The bloody Pirates installed 20 poles. How come they did so many more than you?"

"Well" replied the Gypsy, "Look how much they left sticking out of the hole!"

[John_Flint]

Wow.

That joke about the assholes cracked me up...

[Barbados Sam]

The Syrian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[Biker]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[Barbados Sam]

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. This is a classic!

WEEK AT THE GYM... ONE WOMAN'S STORY

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a

week of personal training at the local gym for me . Although I am still in

great shape since my track and field days some 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Damon, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear! My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 A.M. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was

well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Damon waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, seductive eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Damon gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his gym top and bulging shorts. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Damon was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Damon

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Damon's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I ran over the gym manager in the parking lot. Damon was impatient with me, insisting that my moans and screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for this early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so he put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Damon told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit, too.

Thursday:

Damon was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Damon took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's change room. He sent Cheryl to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Damon more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, masochistic gym-jock. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. He wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the friggin barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure he learned in the sadist school he attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the nutrition advisor. Why couldn't it have been someone big and soft, like an ice-cream salesman or a fireman?

Saturday:

Damon left a message on my answering machine in his grating, whining

voice, wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my rolling pin. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

husband (the bastard) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root

canal or a pap smear.

[Barbados Sam]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said,"My family went to see Rock City and I

was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use

the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had

been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he

could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits

are so big she can only fasten eight."

[Story]

Kids write about the Sea...

1) This is a picture of an octopus.

It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an

Island. If you don't have sea all round

you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big

teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's

not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on

the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots,

and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the

trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes,

when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would

whistle to make the wind come. My brother

said they would have been better off eating

beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I

like their shiny tails. And how on earth do

mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby

brother is always screaming and being sick,

my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big

sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think

what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.

Electric eels can give you a shock. They have

to live in caves under the sea where I think

they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very

cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under

the water. Two divers can't go down alone,

so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She

fell off when she was going very fast. She

says she won't do it again because water

fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

[crimson corsair]

Subject: The Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks

her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of

the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was alive, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.

Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?"

He replies, "Just hold his little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with

died at the scene.