jokes

[tishsparrow]

a bear and a rabbit were walking thru the woods arguing, when they found a frog. the frog said, "i am a magic frog. i will grant you each three wishes." the bear went first. "i wish all the bears in this forest except for me, were female" then the rabbit said "i wish i had a crash helmet." the bear looks at the rabbit curiously, but says nothing. the bear says "i wish all the bears in the WORLD except for me was female" the rabbit says "i wish i had a motorcycle" the bear calls the rabbit a moron, then says "i wish all the female bears would meet me at my cave at 7:00 tonight" the rabbit grins evily, then says " i wish he was gay." then revs his engine and goes riding off into the woods.

[lady snow]

love it tish!

[Hrothgar Addams]

How bout thisun:

A joke for English majors:

A man is attending a convention in Boston. Being a lover of seafood, he gets into a cab and asks the cabbie, "Do you know where I can get scrod?"

The cabdriver looks at him in the mirror and says, "You know, I've been asked that question a million times, but never before in the pluperfect subjunctive."

[CaptainSwan]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and longevity. One evening, Mildred,

age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

"What?" she asks.

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at the usual meeting place.

Mildred becoming alarmed, decided to find Harold and make sure he was all right. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!] Furious, Mildred yelled,

"You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

____________________________________________________________

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a

shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

____________________________________________________________

There's nothing worse than a snooty doctor's receptionist who insists you

tell her what is wrong, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us

have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 83-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached

the desk, the receptionist asked him, "What are you seeing the doctor for

today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something, and then discussed the problem further

with the doctor in private".

The man replied, "Well then, you shouldn't ask a patient things in a room

full of other patients, if the answer could embarrass anyone!!!"

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "What are you seeing the doctor

for today?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

____________________________________________________________

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that

her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,

then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She

pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

__________________________________________________________

Hope you enjoyed thats all I've got for now

[tishsparrow]

oh, so funny, i screamed laughing and scared the parakeets in the cage next to my computer. y'all know that old blonde joke, about walking into a building? my brother is blonde, unlike everyone else in my family who is brunette. anyway, one day he walked in, holding his head. i said "hey, did you just walk into the house?" (it was muddy out, he must have thought i meant did he track mud), he nodded, and i said "thought you would have seen it" had to run at that point.

[Patrick Hand]

A duck walks into a hardware store... and asks the clerk

"Do you have any yummy duck feed?"

the clerk gets mad at the duck and tell the duck

"Get outta here before I nail you feet to the floor..."

the duck quickly runs out of the store......

The next day, the duck returns and asks...

"Do you have any yummy duck feed today ?"

and the clerk gets mad again and yells....

"Get outta here before I nail you feet to the floor...."

so the duck runs out of the store again....

On the third day, the duck walks in and asks....

"Do you have any nails ?"

the clerk is kinda confused, but replies that they do not have any nails...

so the Duck then asks....

"Well in that case, ..... do you have any yummy duck feed yet?"

Hey... its better than the Duck and the lip balm joke.......

[Shipwreck John]

An elderly Lady walks into a gocery store and picks up a can of dog food and goes to the checkout. The clerk says to the lady, " I am sorry Ma'am, but I cannot sell you that dog food unless we have proof you have a dog, we have been having lots of old peaple butying pet food to eat because that is all they can afford , and now the Manager requires proof you have a pet".

Angry, the lady goes home and gets her dog and brings him back to the store. when she checks out she is assured that now they have seen her dog that will not bother her about it again. Satisfied with the clerk's anwser she goes on her way.

The next day she comes in to buy a can of cat food for her cat. Again , the denys her purchase, giving her the same line about the pet food. Upset she told the clerk she had just came in yesterday and bought pet food for her dog. the clerk replies" yes maam, and I will be glad to sell you dog food, but I don't have any proof you own a cat, therefore I canot sell you any till you show me proof you own a cat."

Again the woman goeas home brings in her cat, purchases the cat food, and is assured by the clerk that now that she owns a cat and a dog they will not hassle her anymore.

The next day the elderly lady comes in toting a box with a small hole cut in the top.

The clerk asks"what's in there"

The lady replies "stick your finger in the hole and tell me what you feel"

the clerk does so, and quickly withdraws his hand . "lady that is disgusting ! what is that box ?! It smells like doo-doo!

The elderly lady replies " you guessed right! Now, will you sell me some toilet paper?"

[Lady Seahawke]

A boat is challed a "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle around her; there is usually a gang of men about; she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good. It is not the initial expense that breaks you; it's the upkeep. She can be decked out; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly. She often shows her bottom, and when coming into harbour heads for the buoys.

[Lady Seahawke]

What do pirates call their vacation?

aaaargh and aaaargh.

[Lady Seahawke]

A pirate cpatin had the habit of amusing his crew by doing 'magic' however, the ship's parrot always gave the game away, shouting 'its' up his sleeve' or 'its' behind his back' or whatever. In a great storm the ship sank, and the only survivors in the longboat were the captain and the parrot, which he hated vehemently. However after a few days, dying of thirst, he asked the dumb parrot to say something and the parrot refused. After a few days of pleading hte from the dying captain, who was desperate to hear any voice, just one last ime, the parrot relented. Looking around him, at he empty ocean, he at last squawked, ' all right ....I give up....what have you done with the ship.

[Lady Seahawke]

In his last moments, the captain found in the bottom of the boat a lamp, and rubbed it. A genie appeared, but said he could only grant one wish. The captain, dying of thirst, asked the sea be turned to rum. This was effected and the genie disappeared. The parrot gazed at the captain bleakly, and said, 'now you've done it. we're going to drown'

'whys' that? asked the captain,

'Because we'll have to wee in the boat' answered the parrot. :)

[The Doctor]

"I find your lack of faith... disturbing."

[lady snow]

how about the parnoid dyslexic? was always afraid he was following somebody!

[Shipwreck John]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for

her date with a very sheer blouse on and no

bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling

her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams.

These are modern times. You gotta let your

rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,

and the grandmother is sitting there with no top

on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to

her grandmother that she has friends coming over

and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If

you can show off your rosebuds, then I can

display my hanging baskets."

[Hrothgar Addams]

Have ye heard this un?

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when

the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better Qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

[tishsparrow]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Charity]

I guess i can post this here

It seems adult but it isn't, it's really innocent and a heck of a good laugh

Through the keyhole

[The Doctor]

"You look slinky," I said to her, as we stood at the top of the stairs....

[Dorian Lasseter]

An alter boy was walking through the church when the confessoinal opened, the priest stuck his head out, looked around and saw the boy (we'll call him Tommy ) and in a loud whisper called him over. "Tommy, come here... I need you to take over for me for a short bit, I need to use the restroom.." Tom said " I can't do that! I can't give confession!"

Priest, "Sure you can! Look, I have all the absolutions written down... someone comes in, tells you what they did, you read off the chart and send them off!"

Tommy agrees and takes his place. Several people come in and confess their sins, he easily reads off the pentance and all is well until a woman comes in and confesses she had sex with her husbands best friend.

Tommy whispering to himself, "Sex, sex... I can't find sex on the chart..."

Now it's been about an hour since the Priest left and Tommy's really getting nervous, so he opens the door to see if the Priest is coming back and sees Joey, another alterboy, so he calls him over and asks him, "Joey what does Father give for sex?"

Joey," Usually a pat on the head and a couple of candybars....."

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

"even God can't hit a five iron!"

[Rumba Rue]

ROTFLMAF!

Oh gawd, Capt. Swan, my sides hurt......laughing so hard, my parrot is even laughing with me........

[Captain_Jack's_Wench]

"A boy gets home from school one day, when his mother stopped him and said, "Excuse me, young man! I recieved a phone call from the principal today and she said that you were suspened for having sex with your english teacher! I am very disappointed in you! Now go to your room and stay there until your father comes home and has a talk with you!" The boy followed his mother's order and went up to his room.

When his father came home, his mom told him what happened. The boy could hear his father's footsteps coming up the stairs. When his dad entered, he said, "Hey, I heard what you did today. Don't tell your mother, but I am proud of you. But don't do it again! Now, if you have any questions, just ask me."

His father was about to leave the room when the boy asked, "Dad,"

"Yes?"

"I have a question."

"Okay, I'm here to listen."

"Why does my butt hurt so much?" "

It took me awhile to get it, but you will.... Its kinda dirty

[Rummy3]

ROFLMFAO!!! OMG!!!

[Shipwreck John]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida ,

are

all excited

about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to

discuss the

wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they

go

in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the

owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart

medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,

jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,

antidotes

for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal

Registry."

[The Doctor]

Q: Why do over 3 million American kids play soccer?

A: So they don't have to watch it.