jokes

[PirateSSe]

Easter

That's cluckin' funny!!

[Dennis "the blue"]

One day at a psychiatrist office there were five patients waiting to go in. After a while the patients got tired of waiting. The first man an animal lover *wink wink* said “Let’s go fuck a cat”. The second guy a sadist said “Let’s go fuck a cat and then torture it”. The third guy had murderous intentions said “Let’s go fuck a cat, torture it, and kill it”. The fourth guy was a pyromaniac said “Let’s go fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and burn it”. The fifth guy was a masochist looked at the other guys and said “meow”.

[Patrick Hand]

The masochist asked the Sadist.... "OH.....Hurt me, Hurt me....."

The Sadist replied.... "No......."

[Barbados Sam]

1. NAMES

o If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will

call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

o If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer

to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

o When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a

$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

o When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

o A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

o A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on

sale.

4. BATHROOMS

o A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,

razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

o The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A

man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

o A woman has the last word in any argument.

o Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

o Women love cats.

o Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

o A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

o A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

o A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

o A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

o A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

o A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does!

10. DRESSING UP

o A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

o A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

o Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

o Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12 OFFSPRING

o Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams.

o A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two

people remembering the same thing.

[GreenBeard]

*Paper Towel Pirate*

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

[Patrick Hand]

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.” He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[Skull pyrate Carter]

reminds me of a joke:

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.

He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started peeing all over the place... first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well,I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Multiple orgasms", said God.

[Red-Handed Jill]

UPS PILOT GRIPE SHEETS

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S.) By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[michaelsbagley]

DWARF ACCIDENT

I had a crash on the way to work today.

I rear-ended someone at a traffic light

So the guy gets out of his car and he' s a dwarf

He says "I'm not happy..."

I said "So, which one are you , then?"

[Morgan Dreadlocke]

51 year ago, Paddy McDoo joined the military. On his first day 'o basic trainin' he was issued a comb. On the second day they shaves off all his hair. On the third day Paddy gets issued a toothbrush. On the fourth day the base dentist yanks most 'o Paddy's teeth. On the fifth day Paddy gets issued a jock strap. Yep, the military has been searchin' fer Paddy McDoo 51 years now.

[Shipwreck John]

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

[Skull pyrate Carter]

You know why Republicans don't use bookmarks? They prefer to bend their pages.

[Skull pyrate Carter]

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $2,800 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $2,800 mortgage & no bike.

[Skull pyrate Carter]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl he worked with, but she belonged to someone else.

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you!"

The girl said: "NO."

Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

She said, "The ******* used quarters!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal completely, before you agree to get screwed!

[Rumba Rue]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two

black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult

hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture."

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of

the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball

with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's

butt."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like

yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

[Skull pyrate Carter]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[The Doctor]

Girl's Night Out

The other night, a woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. "I promise," were her last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. At around 3 a.m. they piled into a cab and headed to their respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as she walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that her husband would probably wake up to this, she quickly cuckooed another 9 times. She was quite pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up her tardiness. Even with her impaired judgment, she could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, her husband asked what time she got in, and confidently, she replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper. Phew! Got away with that one, she thought!

After a moment, he replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, she asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Patrick Hand]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City & County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

[Red Cat Jenny]

Patrick...

I am still laughing...lol

Classic.....

[Patrick Hand]

That's the kinda thing my boss e-mails me.... some of them are really lame.... but sometimes they are funny..... so I just re-post th' good ones.......

[Patrick Hand]

(Another one my Boss sent)

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes.

No wonder men are happier

[GreenBeard]

^ true ^

Smoke Detector

The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.

[Rumba Rue]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases

it over onto the shoulder of the Road. She carefully steps out of the

car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and

stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude

bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became

snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled

vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the

road?!"

asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[GreenBeard]

Mary Lou

Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"

"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"

"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on."

Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.

"What the heck was that for?" he demanded.

"Your dog just called."

[Jack an Apes]

Forgive me if this one is already posted...

Charlie's Lesson

Charlie's teacher asks her class:

"There are six birds sitting on a house. Two of them you'll shoot. How many are there left?"

Charlie raises his hand and answers:

"None, miss, because the others will fly away scared."

"No, Charlie," answers the teacher. "The answer is four, but I like your way of thinking."

Then Charlie stands up.

"Now I've got a question for YOU, miss." he says. "There are three women eating an ice cream. One bites, one sucks and the third licks it. Which one is married?"

His teacher turns red.

"The... licking one?" she asks.

"No," answers Charlie, "The one with the wedding ring, but I like your way of thinking."