jokes

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours north of San Diego on the 5 when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three or more hours fixing my truck. My problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Seven hours later, the truck driver was driving through Mission Bay in San Diego when suddenly he was shocked what he saw! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to theinterest of a cars stopping and a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he asked, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money leftover---so now we're going to Sea World".

[Rumba Rue]

<Rumba throws blond hair about....walks into wall>

[Pew]

A snail slides up to the front door of a house, where a man promptly opens it and flicks the snail across the yard.

3 years later the snail makes it back to the door, knocks, and says "what the hell was that for?"

[Nomadicalpirate]

ah blondes, nothing like the smell of prejudice in the morning, ok.

a blonde is walking along a country road and sees a farmer with a flock of sheep. she asks him "If i can tell you how many sheep you've got, will you let me have one?"

smirking, he agrees.

she studies the flock for several moments and then says "147, am i right?" stunned, the farmer nods.

the blonde takes her pick of the sheep and says, "you promised me, and I choose this one"

the farmer replies "I promised you a sheep, so kindly put down my dog"

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

A snail slides up to the front door of a house, where a man promptly opens it and flicks the snail across the yard.

3 years later the snail makes it back to the door, knocks, and says "what the hell was that for?"

Ah shyte! I nearly choked on crab, lobster and guinness I laughed so hard Shyte that was too simple! (and funny)

[Pew]

So this farmer has three daughters and they're sitting around one Friday evening.

There's a knock at the door. The farmer get up and answers it.

There's a well-dressed young man at the door.

"Good evening Sir.

My name's Freddy,

I'm here for Betty,

we're going for spaghetti,

is she ready?"

So Betty gets her jacket and goes out to dinner.

A little while later there's another knock with another young man at the door.

"Hello Sir.

My name's Joe,

I'm here for Flo,

we're going to the show,

is she ready to go?"

So Flo and her date go out.

Later in the evening, there's yet another knock at the door.

"Good evening Sir,

My names Chuck-"

So the farmer took out his gun and shot him . . .

[Katerine_La_Rose_Noire]

What be better than a Parrot Joke...an old favorite:

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

[lady snow]

a panda bear walks into a bar and grill and orders his meal. after finishing he pulls out a gun and fires at the hostess, then walks out the door. another patron asks his friend what that was all about. his frioend says simple - look it up in the dictionary. which he did finding - panda - eats shoots and leaves!

[Nomadicalpirate]

a panda bear walks into a bar and grill and orders his meal. after finishing he pulls out a gun and fires at the hostess, then walks out the door. another patron asks his friend what that was all about. his frioend says simple - look it up in the dictionary. which he did finding - panda - eats shoots and leaves!

aye, was not that part of a book about the state of today's grammer usage? (and used again later as part of a magazine or tabloid artical that had been dumbed down for the unwashed masses)

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

i read this three times and then I got it damn I hate Mondays Whewwww!

[Rogue Mermaid]

So this guy's wife is planning a fancy dinner party at their beach house that evening. The guy is not excited about it at all but decides to help her out. She tells him to go out to the beach and gather snails for her to make escargo. So he grumbles about it a bit and then goes out to the beach with his bucket. A few hours later he has a bucket full of snails and is walking back to the house when he sees a beautiful woman. One thing leads to another and he is back at her house having a very good time. The next morning he wakes up and realizes that he completly missed the dinner party. He grabs the bucket of snails and runs out the door. He is running up the steps to his own house when he trips and the bucket goes flying behind him. Snails were all over the steps. Just then his wife slams open the door, "Where have you been!", she demands. The man looks back to the snails and crys, "Hurry up guys, we're almost there!"

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

So there are these three guys all playing golf right and the one that is oldest is chipping a seven iron about eighty yards on a pitch and run shot with the green elevated on the back. The youngest guy walks over and says whatever shot you do I'll better it and the bets for a hundred dollars! The older gut says make it two! Youare on was the response. So the old guy lines it up pulls off about five perfect practice swings moves his feet up and addresses the ball and fires a perfect shot hits just ahead of the green where it bounces three times turning into a roll which pulls up and stops seventeen inches from the hole. Ah shit I forget the rest

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

So there are these three guys all playing golf right and the one that is oldest is chipping a seven iron about eighty yards on a pitch and run shot with the green elevated on the back. The youngest guy walks over and says whatever shot you do I'll better it and the bets for a hundred dollars! The older gut says make it two! Youare on was the response. So the old guy lines it up pulls off about five perfect practice swings moves his feet up and addresses the ball and fires a perfect shot hits just ahead of the green where it bounces three times turning into a roll which pulls up and stops seventeen inches from the hole. Ah shit I forget the rest

oh yeh! so the youngest guy gets up to his ball and practices a swing or two lines the shot up and pops a really high wedge shot into the air and it lands just past the hole where it hit and backspun right into the cup. The middle aged guy looks at them both and says you know Jesus, you and yer dad aren't that much fun to play with anymnore.

[Dorian Lasseter]

Tha's a goode one, mate!!!!

sos ye fergets th' rest o' th' joke in th' middle o' tellin' it...

[Dorian Lasseter]

A couple o' sea farin' lads are sittin' in a pub, havin' a few pints, tellin' yarns to each other about their time at sea...

In walks a man with an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg.

He bellys up to the bar and sit next to these two lads.

Curiosity gets the best o' them, so one o' them leans o'er n' asks,

"Oy Mate, 'ow'd ye get the pine drumstick?"

The old salt looks them up an' down with his one eye,

"Oh, this 'ere wooden leg? Well we was out in a gale an' the mizzen boom parted wi' the mast an' crushed me leg..."

Th' two lads nod, "'Ere's ta yer leg!" and they all down a pint.

a short while later the other lad leans o'er an asks,

"So, wot 'appened ta yer 'and?"

An' the old salt loks 'em up 'n down again an' proudly says,

"We was bein' boarded, an' before I's able ta run thru me opponent, 'e chopped me 'and off, but 'e's dead, n' I's still 'ere..."

Again the lads nod in approval, "To yer 'and!" and they all down a pint.

Again a short time passes and the lads curiosity get the best o' them, one o' them leans o'er an' asks,

"Right, then, Wot 'appened ta yer peeper?"

And again the old salt looks 'em up n' down, then sheepihly says,

"Oh tha', me eye..... well..... a seagull pooped in it...."

The two lads look at him, then at each other, then exclaim,

" A seagull pooped in yer eye?"

The old salt, turnin' red suddenly blurts out,

"Well, it were me first day wi' th' hook....."

Slainte!

[Red-Handed Jill]

An old man on a bus was staring at a young man who had the middle of his hair dyed bright red and the sides dyed bright blue. The young man, noticing that he was being stared at asked, "What are YOU looking at?" The old man replied, "I had sex with a parrot once and wondered if you were my son."

A man traveling through Oregon was getting mighty discouraged about the weather - rain, rain, nothing but rain. Eventually, he saw a young kid standing at the side of a road, pulled over and asked, "Hey kid - does it EVER stop raining in Oregon?" The kid replied, "I don't know sir, I'm only six."

During a major beer conference in New York, a few of the CEO's decided to get together socially, so naturally they went to a local watering hole. The CEO of Budweiser stepped up to the bar and said, "Give me a Budweiser - gotta be a Budweiser." The bartender served him. The CEO of Coors stepped up and said, "Naturally, I'll have a Coors." The bartender served him his Coors. The CEO of Miller Brewing Company stepped up and said, "Gotta have an MGB, of course." The bartender handed him an MGD. The CEO of Guinness stepped up and said, "I'll have a diet coke." The other three CEO's stared at him. He said, "Well, if none of you are drinking beer, neither am I."

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had

just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee

sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the

clubhouse for help ... and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into

the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she said. "Where," he asked. "Between the first

and second hole," she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your

stance is too wide."

[Dorian Lasseter]

Oh dear, 'ere comes th' golf jokes...

A feller, lets call 'im Bob, went ta Japan fer a business trip...

He had some extra time to spent by himself, so he figured, "I'm in Japan, why not get a Gesha and have a good time?" so he has a girl come to his room, gets a massage and then they have sex... as they start she kind of jumps around and starts yelling "Wa Hoo!, Wa Hoo!" Well, he thinks he's doin' her good, 'cos she's really movin' around, 'gettin' into it'... he finishes up, and she gives him an odd look before leaving.

So next morning he goes to his business meeting, and afterwards he and the japanese partners go out for a round of golf. Well, Bob's an a'right golfer, he steps up to the 4th hole tee and whacks the ball good. It goes down range, bounces twice on the green and right into the hole. 'Wow he thinks, a hole in one!" So he turns to his japanese CEO and says "Wa Hoo!" with a grin....

All the other japanese fellows get a confused look on their faces. Finally, the CEO looks at Bob and says, "What do you mean, Wrong Hole?"

[Rummy3]

Subject: Digging the Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie

[Shipwreck John]

managemant training

One Morning an Indian(hope I'm not offending any of you) walks into a coffe shop, carrying a shotgun, and bringing a male buffalo in a coffee shop. The manager looks at him kind of funny and then ask" Can I help you with someting sir?"

The Indian replies "why yes you can I would like a cup of coffee", then proceeds to the first empty table.

The manager brings him his coffee. The Indian enjoys his coffee taking in all of his surroundings. As soon as he finishes, he gets up cocks his shotgun and kills the buffalo and leaves.

Everyone was in shock at what had just happened and could not believe this guy would slay amnimal like and then just leave it there for everyone to clean up the mess.

The next morning, The Indian comes to shop again shotgun in hand and male buffaolo in tow.

Surpised and still in shock from what happened the day before, the manager stops the indian at the door and says" listen fellow, you can't bring that beast in here, besides we are just finishing the mess you made yesterday. What gives you the right to do such as thatanyway?

The Indian replies "why sir I am in management training."

The manager asks" Do you mind explaining yourself?"

The Indian says " Sure In management , you come in, you drink coffee, you shoot the bull, and you leave your mess for everone else to clean up!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

Oh dear, 'ere comes th' golf jokes...

A feller, lets call 'im Bob, went ta Japan fer a business trip...

He had some extra time to spent by himself, so he figured, "I'm in Japan, why not get a Gesha and have a good time?" so he has a girl come to his room, gets a massage and then they have sex... as they start she kind of jumps around and starts yelling "Wa Hoo!, Wa Hoo!" Well, he thinks he's doin' her good, 'cos she's really movin' around, 'gettin' into it'... he finishes up, and she gives him an odd look before leaving.

So next morning he goes to his business meeting, and afterwards he and the japanese partners go out for a round of golf. Well, Bob's an a'right golfer, he steps up to the 4th hole tee and whacks the ball good. It goes down range, bounces twice on the green and right into the hole. 'Wow he thinks, a hole in one!" So he turns to his japanese CEO and says "Wa Hoo!" with a grin....

All the other japanese fellows get a confused look on their faces. Finally, the CEO looks at Bob and says, "What do you mean, Wrong Hole?"

Waa hoo!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this

problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never

smell and are always silent." "As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at

least 20 times since I've been here in your office. Of course, you

didn't know because they don't smell and are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and

come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back.

"Doctor", she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts -

though still silent- really stink terribly."

The doctor replies, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,

let's work on your hearing... "

[tishsparrow]

one day the lookout of a ship sees a pirate ship on the horizon. "Captain, theres pirates headed straight at us!" the captain says "get me my red shirt!" the lookout gets him the shirt, and they fight a magnificent battle. the next day the lookout sees two pirate ships on the horizon. "two pirate ships headed for us captain!" "get me my red shirt" once again, the captain puts on the red shirt and fights a grand battle. The lookout asks the captain, "why do you always wear the red shirt into battle?" "well" the captain says "if i get wounded i dont want the crew to see my blood and lose their courage" "that makes sense", the lookout thinks. the next day, they see 20 ships on the horizon. the lookout goes and gets the red shirt without even being told to do so. when he gives it to the captain the captain says "forget that! bring me my brown pants!"

[Cut-throat]

A pirate is walkin down the street with a steering wheel attached to his scrotum. A man walkin by sees the pirate an asks : "That has got to hurt. What the hell is that ?". The pirate looks at him with aggitation an replies : " Arr, it's drivin me nuts ! ".

[The Doctor]

Ted was playing cards over at his friend Steve's house. While a hand was being dealt, one of Ted's cards fell off the table, and he leaned over to pick it up off the floor. While he was picking up the card, he happened to glance under the table, and noticed that Steve's wife, Tammy, who was wearing a short skirt, had her legs spread wide and she was not wearing any underwear.

Ted quickly sat back up, flushed with embarassment, and asked to be excused from the table to get some water. He went to the kitchen, and while he was filling a glass, he realized that Tammy had followed him.

"Did you like what you saw?" asked Tammy.

"Yes - yes, I did!" stammered Ted.

Tammy moved seductively close to Ted and said "You can have more than a look, if you want it. Just show up tomorrow afternoon while Steve's at work with $500, and you can have me."

Ted agreed. He showed up the next afternoon with the money, and he and Tammy had wild, passionate sex, and then he departed.

That afternoon, Steve came home from work a little early.

"Tammy, did Ted come over this afternoon?"

Certain that she was caught, Tammy admitted, "Yes, Ted was here. Why?"

Steve replied, "I don't know. It was wierd; he came by the office this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this afternoon, and he said he'd drop by the house and leave it with you!"