Merry X-Mas

[MadL]

Yo Ho Humbug! Merry X-Mas All Ye Scalawags!!

May none o' ye receive coal in yer stock'ns this yarr 'n may none dance in th' jig, may th' Admiralty grant everyone a pardon...

if naught then; Confusion t' th' colonies 'n Death t' th' Governor!!!

~ Twas the Eve Before X-mas ~

As recalled by Captain Santa Clause, aka Whitebeard

Twas th' Eve before X-mas, when all through th' ship

Naught a creature was stirring, naught even th' ghost of old crewman Nick.

The cutlasses where all hung on in th' ship's haul with care,

In hopes that a ship full of booty will soon sail na'r;

Th' crew were nestled all snug in their hung beds,

Whilst visions of virgin whores danced in their heads.

And Mary Ormond in her kerchief, and I in me tricorn nightcap,

Had just settled down for a long night's nap,

When out off th' bow there arose such a clatter,

I sprang ta the poop deck ta see what was th' matter!

Away ta th' deck I flew like a flash,

Tore open a powder keg and threw back me sash.

Th' moon on th' horizon caused th' calm sea waves ta glow

Gave th' luster of Davey Jones' treasure down below,

When what ta me bewilder'n eyes should appear,

But two small ships, and eight tiny cannons all aimed at me rear,

With a scurvy nave at their helm, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be that dog Lt. Maynard on that thar ship!

More rapid then frenzied sharks his corsairs did came,

And he shouted and cursed, and called them by name;

"Now Shorty! On deck Pete! on, Fletcher and William!

To the crow's nest with ye Morgan, All others man th' guns!

Now heave men! Heave! Ready them cannons! Ready them all!

As a cursed black plague on a wild hurricane they did fly,

One went starboard, the other port, as dark clouds began ta form in th' sky.

With cannons on th' ready and guns at their side these corsairs did flew

With blood in his eyes and saber a rattl'n, Lt. Robert Maynard did too.

And then, as I blinked me one good eye, I felt a crack in me tooth,

As the explosions of those eight tiny cannons blew from th' helm me galley's roof!

As I drew out me pistols, and began to return fire,

Me crew came a husselin, some without even any attire.

Most were dressed and ready, and all armed from head ta their foot,

From the explosions their clothes where dirtied with ashes and soot;

But me crew tis th' bastards o' th' sea, ta arms they took up

Like an army o' mad sea-dogs they are, and nay a one a pup!

Me one good eye -- how it twinkled! Th' smell of battle, how bloody merry!

Me cheeks lit with delight, for suddenly Maynard didn't look so cheery!

His beardless face had just turned as white as snow;

Th' stump o' me pipe I held tight in me teeth,

And th' smoke it encircled me head, just like a wreath;

Maynard, his face grew red with fire

As me crew tooks their aim and I yelled "RETURN FIRE!"

Oh how his tiny ships they shook like jelly

And I laughed so hard it shook me belly.

With a wink o' me eye and twist o' me head,

Soon ol' Maynard, he knew there be much ta dread;

As th' muskets red glare,

The cannons burstin' in air;

Gave proof through th' night,

That me Jolly Rodger still be thar!

Me crew spoke naught another word, but continued their work,

And filled th' cannons with lead; then returned it ta that jerk.

And as Maynard's two tiny ships sank out o' sight,

I hollard out with all o' me might;

"Merry Bloody X-Mas Maynard; Me Foe And Me Friend,

For It Be Ye And NAUGHT I That Has Finally Met Yer End!"

[Elena]

No one of the verses and graphics below are mine, but they are entirely setting-appropriate and funny. This is why I posted them on all the Age of Sail sites I am on... Merry Christmas to you!

Swab the decks w' boughs of holly

Hoist the Roger if it's jolly

Don we now our pirate trappings,

Caught me peg leg in these wrappings

fa la la la la, la la la la

From the portside to the starboard

And from transom to bow

We are covered with invading bivalves

They latched on when we were harbored,

And nobody knows how

To remove them and get the ship clear.

Barnacles, barnacles,

Give me a friggin' damn crowbar

barnacles, barnacles,

Soon they will eat this whole bay.

Said the lookout to the bosun's mate,

Do you hear what I hear?

O Cannonball, O Cannonball

I'll shoot you through the stockade wall

Ye better watch out, ye better not cry,

Get the rum out, I'm tellin' you why,

Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town

He walks with a list, talks a good game,

Blade, kiss or fist, it's always the same,

Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

He seizes any treasure

The rum and wenches too,

He knows if you've been bad or good

And either one will do!

Don't follow his lead, it's gonna get grim,

The only survivor likely is him,

Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

Christmas, christmas time is here,

Time fer loot and wine and beer,

Santa, bring your big ol' bag,

We want treasure, we want swag

Want a map from some old book,

Me I want a brand new hook

We can hardly stand the wait

Please Christmas don't be late.

I saw the cap'n kissing Santa Claus

Down below the bulwark late last night

... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Arrr! The herald angels sing,

Here's a letter from the king

Up in the crows nest, it's my watch,

Keeping warm with rum and scotch,

Icy winds and freezing sleet,

Too darn slippery to keep my feet

Yo ho ho, who wouldn't goOOOOOOO....

Silent night, holy night,

Shush the cat, douse the light

Round the back, the door isn't locked

Grab their stuff, we'll go get it hocked

Sleep in heavenly peace,

The constables' palms have been greased.

All right, ye swabs! Big finish!

Dashing through the snow

Is somethin' we ain't done,

Because we never go

Away from tropic sun,

Keep yer cold and ice,

We think it's kinda dumb

We've got our Christmas paradise

With beaches, girls and rum!

ARRR!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,

Oh what fun it is to sail the Caribbean today-ay!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas on the sea,

Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!

Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that Captain Nick soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of the Jolly Roger danced in their heads.

And pa in his pjs, and I in my wrap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a dashing young pirate and eight briny Buccaneer.

In spite of his peg leg, he was lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it was Captain Nick.

More rapid than eagles his corsairs they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Barbossa and Black Bart! Sir Morgan and Red Beard!

O’Malley, Jack Sparrow, Old Sharktooth and Black Beard!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Avast, ye landlubbers, it’s our first port of call!!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the corsairs they flew,

Up sturdy rope ladders, climbed Captain Nick’s crew.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The swashbucklers dancing, though I had little proof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Captain Nick came with a bound.

He wore a red waistcoast, plumed hat and black boot,

And his cape was all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of booty, he had flung on his back,

Our generous savior, then spotted his snack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! Our gifts made him merry!

“Why shiver me timbers, it’s eggnog with Sherry!”

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as black as a crow.

The stump of his leg, clicked as he danced a jig,

Eating cookies I‘d left, baked with chocolate and fig

He had a brave face and a firm muscled belly,

And hearing his laugh, my knees turned to jelly!

He was handsome and pumped, though quite proud of himself,

But I blushed when he saw me, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a nod of the head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, while unloading the gold,

Filling stockings with treasures, such a sight to behold

Then there came a short whistle, he was finished I suppose,

And with a heave ho of the rope, up the chimney he rose!

With the Captain back safely, the crew gave a cheer,

They escaped to their ship, their getaway clear.

And I heard them exclaim, as they sailed out of sight,

"We, Gentlemen of Fortune, bid to all a good-night!"

“On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ...

12 ships to plunder,

11 cannons firing,

10 crewmen leaping,

9 sharks a' swimming,

8 rum-filled bottles,

7 lusty wenches,

6 jolly rogers,

5 gold doubloons,

4 eyepatches,

3 earrings,

2 wooden legs,

and a parrot for my shoulder - Arrr!”

Oh, the pirates outside are frightful, and their ship is not delightful,

And since they're all here to raid, let us pray, let us pray, let us pray!

They don't show signs of stopping, and they brought some guns for poppin',

Their torches are burning bright, what a fright, what a fright, what a fright!

When they finally leave our town, how we'll love to see them sail away,

And if we're lucky they'll leave our gold, And all the things we own!

The fires are slowly dying, and too many of us are crying.

And until they leave our sight, what a fright, what a fright, what a fright!

Your town's roasting in an open fire,

Gunshots're nipping at your backs,

Screaming women yelling for us to leave

And you're in terror as you're sacked.

Everybody knows a cannon and a pirate flag

Help to make the season's fright.

Town folks here with their eyes all squeezed shut

Will find it hard to live tonight.

They know that pirates're in their town,

They'll grab up lots of gold and maidens in their gowns.

And every mother's child is gonna cry

As through the streets their frightened families will fly.

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase,

To folks from one to ninety-two.

If you don't want us in your town anymore,

"Give us treasure, please do!"

We're dashing through the seas, in a two-mast pirate ship,

O'er the waves we go, laughing all the way (yo ho ho!),

The sails and skull-flag wave, making pirates bright,

What fun it is to sail and sing a pirate song tonight!

Pirate ships, pirate ships, yo ho all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to sail in a two-mast pirate ship.

Pirate ships, pirate ships, yo ho all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to sail in a two-mast pirate ship!

[jaded]

Merry Christmas Luv too all!!!!!

[Bright]

"CHRISTMAS AT SEA"

The sheets were frozen hard, and they cut the naked hand;

The decks were like a slide, where a seamen scarce could stand;

The wind was a nor'wester, blowing squally off the sea;

And cliffs and spouting breakers were the only things a-lee.

They heard the surf a-roaring before the break of day;

But 'twas only with the peep of light we saw how ill we lay.

We tumbled every hand on deck instanter, with a shout,

And we gave her the maintops'l, and stood by to go about.

All day we tacked and tacked between the South Head and the North;

All day we hauled the frozen sheets, and got no further forth;

All day as cold as charity, in bitter pain and dread,

For very life and nature we tacked from head to head.

We gave the South a wider berth, for there the tide-race roared;

But every tack we made we brought the North Head close aboard:

So's we saw the cliffs and houses, and the breakers running high,

And the coastguard in his garden, with his glass against his eye.

The frost was on the village roofs as white as ocean foam;

The good red fires were burning bright in every 'long-shore home;

The windows sparkled clear, and the chimneys volleyed out;

And I vow we sniffed the victuals as the vessel went about.

The bells upon the church were rung with a mighty jovial cheer;

For it's just that I should tell you how (of all days in the year)

This day of our adversity was blessed Christmas morn,

And the house above the coastguard's was the house where I was born.

O well I saw the pleasant room, the pleasant faces there,

My mother's silver spectacles, my father's silver hair;

And well I saw the firelight, like a flight of homely elves,

Go dancing round the china-plates that stand upon the shelves.

And well I knew the talk they had, the talk that was of me,

Of the shadow on the household and the son that went to sea;

And O the wicked fool I seemed, in every kind of way,

To be here and hauling frozen ropes on blessed Christmas Day.

They lit the high sea-light, and the dark began to fall.

"All hands to loose topgallant sails," I heard the captain call.

"By the Lord, she'll never stand it," our first mate Jackson, cried.

..."It's the one way or the other, Mr. Jackson," he replied.

She staggered to her bearings, but the sails were new and good,

And the ship smelt up to windward just as though she understood.

As the winter's day was ending, in the entry of the night,

We cleared the weary headland, and passed below the light.

And they heaved a mighty breath, every soul on board but me,

As they saw her nose again pointing handsome out to sea;

But all that I could think of, in the darkness and the cold,

Was just that I was leaving home and my folks were growing old.

By Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-94).

[Capn Bloody Sam Rackham]

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

[oderlesseye]

-X-

[Gunpowder Gertie]

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and may the

Blessings o' the season

be upon all o' ye !

Edited December 26, 2010 by Gunpowder Gertie