callenish gunner Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 It's surprising that with such legal minds any pirates were ever hung THESE ARE COURT TRANSCRIPTS VERBATIM. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY:Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Sterling Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 It's surprising that with such legal minds any pirates were ever hungATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Priceless!! ROTDLMAO!!! Bloody Priceless!!! "I being shot through the left cheek, the bullet striking away great part of my upper jaw, and several teeth which dropt down the deck where I fell... I was forced to write what I would say to prevent the loss of blood, and because of the pain I suffered by speaking."~ Woodes Rogers Crewe of the Archangel http://jcsterlingcptarchang.wix.com/creweofthearchangel# http://creweofthearchangel.wordpress.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Hey so I could practice law!!! I knew I was special! *poking fun at oneself is a great way to...errr...hmmm...never mind! lol* Speaking of lawyers did you hear that one state is trying to ban Barbie? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Sterling Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Really and their reasoning behind this move? "I being shot through the left cheek, the bullet striking away great part of my upper jaw, and several teeth which dropt down the deck where I fell... I was forced to write what I would say to prevent the loss of blood, and because of the pain I suffered by speaking."~ Woodes Rogers Crewe of the Archangel http://jcsterlingcptarchang.wix.com/creweofthearchangel# http://creweofthearchangel.wordpress.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 They claim that Barbie gives young girls and teens a shape that they must strive to look like. Personally I never felt that way about her..she is a doll and not real. I would be more concerned with reed thin models in magazines who starve themselves. Next they will try and ban those. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Alexander Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 The news also said that they feel that it gives girls the impression that they don't need to be educated. Don't know where they came up with that one but.......I'm glad that can't find anyone to co-sign the stupid bill. I always hated Barbie but to ban the stupid thing. If you're gonna give me a headache, please bring me an aspirin! http://www.forttaylorpyrates.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 I agree I never liked her either and used to pull her head off..rather be outside playing war, or tag than dolls. However her being uneduacated..I do not think there is not a job Barbie has not done..including being president! Image is not everything...it's who you are on the inside that counts or at least it should. I would hate being a clone of someone else. I like me just the way I am..Barbie thin or not! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheeky Actress Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 (edited) The news also said that they feel that it gives girls the impression that they don't need to be educated. Black Syren beat me to the same reply... Hmm, interesting. Seeing that Barbie's career paths has been everything from a Doctor to an Astronaught. I don't see how that idea came to be, either. Needless to say, there are bigger concerns to address in this day in age, don't you think? Edited March 5, 2009 by Cheeky Actress Member of "The Forsaken" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 How about smart alecs? SMART ALECK ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART ALECK ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets .. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' SMART ALECK ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART ALECK ANSWER #3 The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ALECK ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.' SMART ALECK ANSWER OF THE YEARC22008 !! A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' A BONUS EXTRA A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's good http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silkie McDonough Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? I like this one ...I can see some guest on Jerry Springer saying this in court. (Yes I admit I have watched that train wreck of a show ...it is hard to look away.) As to Barbie, she now can have tatoos. THAT is causing a stir ...and it was a slow news day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animal Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Callenish, that was tooo good!!!!! Bothmy wife and I were laughing so hard that we had to fight to get to the bathroom first. She won!!!!! :P Animal Buccaneer - Services to the highest bidder!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Sterling Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 As to Barbie, she now can have tatoos. THAT is causing a stir ...and it was a slow news day. Barbie has been causing a stir since she gave "birth" wonder, in the long run, if this is just some stupid publicity stunt because sales are dropping off... but then of course, there are too many lawyers out there who want to put the blame on any one BUT the person who truly needs to be held accountable for their bad choices. "I being shot through the left cheek, the bullet striking away great part of my upper jaw, and several teeth which dropt down the deck where I fell... I was forced to write what I would say to prevent the loss of blood, and because of the pain I suffered by speaking."~ Woodes Rogers Crewe of the Archangel http://jcsterlingcptarchang.wix.com/creweofthearchangel# http://creweofthearchangel.wordpress.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 What about the Skipper (I think that was her name) doll... way back in the late 60's early 70's where when you turned her arm, she grew breast and hips..... Even as a kid, I always wondered what happened if you twisted her arms a buncha times.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merrydeath Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 lol... and also, holy scat, I think I had one of those for MY attorney. Thank you, thank you, Callenish!! my attorney managed to wrangle rent for the house I'm still in for my ex.. I get money from him (that he can take off his taxes) then I have to pay him back most of it in rent (that I cant take off my taxes) Basically I get $50 after rent and insurance and house taxes. woooo. anyone have a mobile cannon? Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DocF225 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 anyone have a mobile cannon? Got several mobile cannon. Know how to use 'em too. Before my eyes went, I could remove George Washington from a quarter at 100 meters with iron sights. Now I need optics to pull it off. The upside is with the optics I can reach out to 200 meters. My favorite sniper t-shirts Long distance is the next best thing to being there. You can run, but you'll only die tired. Doc Wiseman - Ship's Physician, Stur.. er... Surgeon Extrodinaire and general scoundrel. Reluctant Temporary Commander of Finnegan's Wake Piracy- Hostile Takeover without the Messy Paperwork We're not Pirates; we're independent maritime property redistribution specialists. Member in good standing Persian Gulf Yacht Club, Gulf of Sidra Yacht Club and the Greater Beruit Rod & Gun Club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merrydeath Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 LOL..... love the tees, Doc.. i love the one with the hunter in the bullseye, like a target. whats one dead lawyer on the bottom of the ocean? a good start. Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 What's sad is I work for a bunch of lawyers and guess what.... all of this is true. (why isn't there a crying emote?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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