My Grandma and Gary

[William Brand]

I don't often feel the need to write about personal things to a known or unknown public, even the Pub, but if anything that follows might remind us to cherish what we have and be better to everyone about us, then it will have been worth the effort.

About ten years ago my sister went to see my Grandma with her husband and children. They were all excited to see her, for they hadn't been to her home in years, due in large part to geography. They walked up to the door with all of the happy expectation one generally feels when seeing a beloved relative they've missed. My sister was extra anxious and happy for the moment, because my dear Grandma would finally get to see great grandchildren that she had never met and others she had not seen for almost a decade.

Then my uncle Gary answered the door.

I have often heard them describe what followed as one of the most frightening experiences of their entire lives. My uncle Gary came screaming and cussing out of the house. He threatened them with all sorts of violence. He violated their ears with every insult and accusation imaginable. So horrible was he that my nieces and nephews, still quite young at the time, clung to my sister and brother-in-law in abject terror. Even my brother-in-law, a man who towers over everyone, was alarmed by the assault.

They still talk about it to this day in a hushed and unbelieving tone. This experience, and similar ones had by a few other cousins and siblings frightened everyone so much, that no one would go to see my Grandma for fear of Gary.

Still, despite his abuse to anyone who dared the porch, he proved a fairly good caretaker to my Grandma, though she was made to believe the most outrageous lies about everyone else who cared for her over the years. He has sewed a thread of discord that has all but destroyed most of my Dad's family.

I hate to admit that I could ever hate someone I had once called Uncle with affection, but I was not alone in my hope that he would die before my Grandma. We would often speak of his passing, knowing that if my Grandma passed first, there might be hell to pay in the end. You see, my Dad is the arbitrator of my Grandma's will and things being how they are between my Dad and his siblings, not to mention Gary, we've feared the possibilities of this day for years.

Today, my Dad and Mom went to see my Grandma. Gary 'opened the house' to everyone because she has been very ill and it was believed that she would pass away very soon. My parents drove three hours to see her, but she died while my Dad was parking the car outside her home. He didn't get to say goodbye. He didn't get to say anything. My Mom said he just stood in the living room next to the bed they brought in to help her recover from past sicknesses. He just stood there and wouldn't talk to anyone. A man of profound wisdom and words, too torn up to speak.

To add to this, his callous siblings informed him that his aunt died in July and no one had bothered to tell him. They told everyone but him and my Aunt Sherri. What kind of people wait to tell you news of that nature while you're standing in the horrible silence of a loved one lost? I have trouble imagining that kind of casual and careless disregard. It pains me to think of it aimed at my Dad.

I didn't cry when I heard that my Grandma died. When my sister called and gave me the news, I didn't cry, but I did when I imagined my loving father standing in his mother's house like a stranger. I cried to think of his unimaginable siblings giving him the news of his aunt's passing some six months after the fact as he stood over the body of his mother just minutes dead. I cried to think of him parking the car as she died.

Then I cried because my Grandma never got to see my two children. Not once.

I'm feeling a lot of things. Grief, frustration, worry, pity and not a little shame. Still, despite what has come before and what may yet come after this, I'm clinging to the small hope that everyone will take stock of their lives and come out the other side better people. I want my Dad's siblings to be fair and kind to him again. He's never once done any of them harm. He's watched out for them, kept in contact with them and has done all that a person might do to be worthy of another's respect, if not affection.

If you're a praying person, pray for my Dad. His mother died today while he was parking the car.

Pray for Gary too. He's been very sick of late and they don't know what it is. Gary loathes the whole world with a senseless anger and no one should die feeling that way. Blind hatred is one of the worst poisons we brew for ourselves and others.

[Mary Diamond]

My heart goes out to you and your family, William. My Mom has a rather uncomfortable relationship with her brother (though not anywhere similiar in sheer magnitude to your Uncle Gary), which has gradually healed somewhat to civility over the years. I can only hope the same (if not better) for your situation.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Brig]

In our prayers. I wish your family peace and healing.

[Captain Jim]

I feel for you and your father. Family can be such a trap sometimes, most often when it should be a support. Very sad.

[Stynky Tudor]

I'm so sorry William.

[Capt. Bo of the WTF co.]

William, not to make light of things in the least; The American "Civil War" and the "Hatfields and McCoys" have nothing on my family. I fully understand this situation, still living it myself. As an agnostic, I don't pray so to speak, but there are waves of energy out there and can be communicated. You may tap mine as you feel the need. I will be listening for you brother. All the best to you and yours in these the worst of times.

Bo

[Ransom]

How incredibly sad for your father, to be that close to being able to say his good by. Coming from a somewhat disfuctional family myself, you have all my prayers that this new year may bring your family, if not close, at least to civility and respect.

[Red-Handed Jill]

Quite a few people have learned to equate "family members" with "mortal enemies". Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone was given the family they deserved?...

I'm so sorry to hear that your father was subject to such cruelty. This is just a guess but since he raised such a wonderful and caring son, he must be quite a decent man. I'm willing to bet that the other members of his family are bitter because they've never been able to measure up to such decency - and for that sort of person, it's easier to be cruel to the good people in their lives rather than take a closer look at their own faults and remedy them.

[Cpt Sophia M Eisley]

William - My prayers go out to you and your family, most especially your father. I was in a similar situation years ago with a relative gone toxic who managed to scare/tick off much of the family, including me. I didn't talk to her for years, and decided to do so a few years back, fearing that if I did not at least try that I might regret it later. Thankfully the situation ended well with communication barriers broken through. I can only hope in the future that the situations you and your loved ones experienced come to some sort of a positive resolution...a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Black Syren]

Oh William, I am so very sorry. Im at a loss for words over such acts. However I will keep you in my prayers as well as your father and the rest of your family. Many Blessings to you and yours....*Big Cyber Hugs*

[LadyBarbossa]

Ahh, Will. Indeed ye are in thoughts and prayers. Can relate in some manner and sorts. But, perhaps out of such a loss the family will realize how toxic is have become and will make that path towards healing to be a family again.

Shall keep ye and yo'r family in our prayers.

~Lady B

[Fayma Callahan]

My Dear William,

There are no words that can take away the loss, but there are even fewer words to take away the cruelty of a selfish person like your Uncle. There is no accounting for the family you are placed in, nor for the actions that they may take toward one another. I am so sorry that on one of the hardest days in your father's life, he had to endure more than his share. Take comfort that your Grandma knew her son loved her, and was perhaps already outside the house on the way to heaven while he parked the car.

Our love and prayers for you and your family, and especially your father. May the healing be swift and the torn fabric of your family be mended strong. Just know that your "Pirate Family" will always be here for you. Please call us if there is anything that you need.

With Love,

Tony and Fayma

[William Brand]

Thank you, all. Everything is on track for tomorrow. We'll be meeting early in the day and I hope that all will go well.

[Black Anne]

Sorry to hear of this, William.

((hugs))

[William Brand]

My Uncle Gary died on Sunday of liver failure combined with complications from pancreatic cancer. My dad wasn't contacted until Gary was gone, and like his mom, he did not get a chance to say goodbye.

Today we went to the funeral. It was strange to see so many smiling images of an Uncle I only ever really knew as a recluse and later a bitter, angry man, but the funeral itself was pleasant and well attended. Many humorous and complimentary things were said on his behalf and everyone was glad to see one another.

Afterwards, we went to my grandmother's house, which was so absolutely unchanged, that I felt as though I had stepped back in time twenty years. It was like a strange time capsule, with not one picture or piece of furniture out of place with any memory I could recall. It was almost sad how unchanged and unliving the place felt. It was hard to imagine my grandmother imprisoned in that dusty, unvisited tomb of a house. Sometimes we laughed and sometimes we sighed with regret at the state of the place, completely unchanged but for a heavy dust over everything.

Then we were invited to take anything of meaning for ourselves. I took a small wind-up clock from my grandmother's dresser and was glad to hear it still click away time once wound up. I doubt that anyone has turned the mainspring on that clock for years. I also found an old suitcase that just seemed to speak to me.

Later I found the necklace and tie tack with the boy scout emblem that were given to my grandma and grandpa when my dad became an eagle scout. I rushed it over to my dad who looked outwardly touched that I had found it for him. He tucked them away in his pocket with a smile. I also found numerous pictures of us when we were young that I have never seen, some reel-to-reel tapes of my aunts and uncles when they were young and some old collectible cars for Liam.

Then we were invited to go through Gary's things, and this was revealing to say the least. Every room in the basement was filled with boxes and drawers of dvd, cds, LPs, videos, sound equipment, and everything else you can imagine. None of them were opened. Just thousands of discs and videos still in their original wrapping. Cupboards loaded with packs of playing cards, unopened boxes of dice, and more varieties of cologne than anyone could use in three lifetimes. Dozens of old shirts that he had never worn or thrown away. A lazerdisc movie player with a stack of unopened discs, never viewed. Unopened packages of socks, t-shirts, and home appliances. were found in every closet of the house.

It seems that Gary was so depressed over the years that he purchased item after item to fill the hole in his life. It was sad to think of him endlessly buying things to give himself the comfort he had daily denied himself by shutting out others. He lived and died almost completely alone, surrounded by a landslide of material goods that he never used. Never enjoyed. Each and every one of these found their way into the waiting hands of someone who sometimes smiled to find a little treasure or an item almost forgotten.

Me...I found an old pocket knife, an antique pair of round rimmed glasses and a mint condition GTO collectible that I gave to my nephew.

My sister Michele took the wooden stool that my grandmother always sat on when she was cooking and singing in the kitchen. That stool is over seventy years old and has been sat upon by more relatives of mine than any other piece of furniture in the house.

My search for things from my grandfather yielded nothing. All traces of my grandfather were gone, and but for the clock, there was little or no evidence that he had ever existed at all. What I would have given to have found a watch, tool, or personal item of my grandfather. Still, I was grateful to have seen my cousins, aunts and uncles, and to have found items important to my dad.

I was also nice to say, that once in their lives my children stood in their great-grandmother's house.

[LadyBarbossa]

My sincere condolences, Will. Sounds like it was bittersweet.

~Lady B

[Silkie McDonough]

Thank you for sharing William. Thank you for making us stop for the moment and reflect.

[Captain Jim]

I'm with Silkie on this; Thank you for sharing. Eagle Scout stuff is important, and I'm so happy you found that for your father. As for your grandfather, you remember him and that is all that is really important. A memento would have been nice, though.

[William Brand]

I'm happy to report that my mom found a whole mess of my grandpa's shaving brushes, so I get my pick. Also, as morbid as it sound, she also found my grandma's false teeth. I like weird stuff.

[Silkie McDonough]

Hahahaha ...no William ...I understand the false teeth thing. My niece took my mom's last pony tail. She had it cut before locks of love was taking gray & white hair. Yea, my niece likes weird things also.

[Rumba Rue]

My condolences to you.

May the footpaths of your life be a trail to the top of the mountain where you can gaze upon the Earth in brilliance.