Hawk the QM Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers the meaning of life, it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. And without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could, quite simply, disappear! DON'T JUST STAND THERE GAWPING, LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE HAND OF GOD BEFORE!
Graydog Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 (edited) Now, here's the meaning of life...Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. Avoid eating fat?! Python has gone too far! Why some of my favorite animals are nearly all fat and they are delicious. (see thread on bacon (wait half a mo, see Python on Spam!))-Greydog Edited January 29, 2009 by Graydog Why am I sharing my opinion? Because I am a special snowflake who has an opinion of such import that it must be shared and because people really care what I think!
Hawk the QM Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Is it a secret?! It must be... otherwise he'd tell us!
Quartermaster James Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels
Hawk the QM Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels Drop you pants, Sir William. I cannot wait til lunch time.
Quartermaster James Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Hawk the QM Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy? If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.
Quartermaster James Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 (edited) And now for something completely different: Inspector: Mrs Potter - you knew Harold Potter quite well I believe? Wife: Oh yes quite well. Inspector: Yes. Wife: He was my husband. Inspector: Yes. And, er, he never showed any inclination towards being a Scotsman before this happened? Wife: (shocked) No, no, not at all. He was not that sort of person... Edited January 29, 2009 by Quartermaster James
Hawk the QM Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 (edited) But where are they coming from Professor? That I don't know. I just don't know. I'm afraid I really just don't know. I'm afraid even I just don't know. I have to tell you I'm afraid even I just don't know. I'm afraid I have to tell you........... AFTER EDIT: (Cheater Mr. Doppleganger!) Mind you he did always watch Dr. Finlay on the television. Edited January 29, 2009 by Thequartermaster
Quartermaster James Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 AFTER EDIT: (Cheater Mr. Doppleganger!) err, pyrate! just making sure someone was paying attention... And now, everybody sing! Praline: Half a bee, philosophically, Must, ipso facto, half not be. But half the bee has got to be Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see? But can a bee be said to be Or not to be an entire bee When half the bee is not a bee Due to some ancient injury? Chorus: La dee dee, one two three, Eric the half a bee. A B C D E F G, Eric the half a bee. Praline: Is this wretched demi-bee, Half-asleep upon my knee, Some freak from a menagerie? No! It's Eric the half a bee! Chorus: Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee, Eric the half a bee. Ho ho ho, tee hee hee, Eric the half a bee. Praline: I love this hive, implore ye-ee, Bisected accidentally, One summer afternoon by me, I love him carnally. Chorus: He loves him carnally, Semi-carnally.
Quartermaster James Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Mind you he did always watch Dr. Finlay on the television. Now then. The facts are these. You received an order for 48,000,000 kilts from a blancmange from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda ... you'd just shown your wife an entry form for Wimbledon, which you'd filled in... when you turned round and saw her legs disappearing into a blancmange. Is that correct?
Hawk the QM Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 (edited) And now for something completely different: Rumpletweezer ran the dinky-tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and... Discipline... naked... with a melon? Edited February 5, 2009 by Thequartermaster
Quartermaster James Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Hawk the QM Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Well, first of all become a doctor and discover a marvelous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again. Thanks Jackie, great idea!
Quartermaster James Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) Well, thank you Cliff. Tonight's other outstanding match was the semi-final between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. We bring you edited highlights of the match. (Rapid montage of goals scored by competent gynaecologists wearing surgical gowns and caps, against totally incompetent and immobile LJSI team who simply stand round going 'aaah! Jim lad' as the goals rain in. The ball is tucked off-screen. Sudden cut to studio. A presenter is standing in front of curtain; he catches the ball thrown from off. He smiles.) Presenter: Well, that's about it for tonight ladies and gentlemen, but remember if you've enjoyed watching the show just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enioyed it twice as much as you. Ha, ha, ha. Edited January 30, 2009 by Quartermaster James
Hawk the QM Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 He's the messiah! ....... no he's not. AN UNBELIEVER! PERSECUTE! KILL THE HERETIC!
Capn Bob Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Since no one objected to my posting of a Goon Show quote (you silly twisted boys), I present and inflict upon the readership... The Ying Tong Song! Tenor: There's a song that I recall My mother sang to me. Spriggs (off): Oh! (a sigh) Tenor: She sang it as she tucked me in When I was ninety-three. (harp plays a rising chord...) Spriggs: I diddle, I. Who was that bum? Bluebottle + Spriggs: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po, Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong (bluebottle drops behind) Ying tong iddle I po Spriggs: Keep lad up. Keep. Bluebottle: Keep up lad up. Both: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Spriggs: lad Both: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po (lad) Iddle I po (lad) Ying tong ying tong Ying tong (Spriggs: iddle) (Bluebottle: ying tong) Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong iddle Bluebottle (spoken): Ying tong iddle I po! (short raspberry, Secombe) Both: Oh! Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Iddle I po! (trumpet bit) Bluebottle: Ying. Ying tongy tongy. Ying tong iddle I po. Ying tong iddle I po. (Secombe under this: What a lovely lovely boy!) (or Secombe under this: What a lovely melody devine!) Ying ying ying tongy tongy. (Milligan: Get out the rifle, sir.) (or Milligan: Get off the record.) Yeeeng. Ying tong ying tong d'gy-n'o. Ying tong d'ga. (Secombe: Get away.) D'g d'g d'ga. Ying tong iddle I po. Seagoon:Hear that crazy rhythm Driving me insane. Strike your partner on the bonce (bonk?). (thump) Eccles: Ooh. I felt no pain. (Seagoon screeches) Seagoon, Bluebottle and Eccles: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying... (harp chord rises) Soprano: Take me back to Vienna.... (Raspberry section, probably Milligan) Bloodnok: Ohhhhh! Eccles: Oh! (harp chord) Soprano: Take me back to Vienna, where the.... (crash!) Seagoon, Spriggs and Bluebottle (far off): Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po (mad dash to foreground) Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po (Spriggs: where's he going lad?) (BB: I don't know) Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Seagoon: LOOK OUT! (cry from Bluebottle) (mad dash to distance) (hastily) Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po (dash to foreground) Ying tong... (whine of bomb dropping, explosion) Double speed, but same tempo, Goons: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Iddle I po. Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Iddle I po. One: Ying! Tongy tongy tongy. Yiddy diddy diddy da daaa. Ying diddy. Ying tong diddle. Yiddada boo. (rhythmic thigh slapping, raspberry) All Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Iddle I po. Eccles: Whoooooh! Damn, thats sharp!
Quartermaster James Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Anything goes in. Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old pyjamas, Mutton! Beef! and Trout! Anything goes in ...
Hawk the QM Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Anything goes in.Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old pyjamas, Mutton! Beef! and Trout! Anything goes in ... Sir! We haven't finished the prosecution! Shut up! I'm in charge of this court. Stand up! Sit down! Go moo! See? Right, now, on with the pixie hats! And order in the skating vicar.
Hawk the QM Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) Not exactly where this belongs.. but I thought you python nuts would like to see this. Sorry the picture is a little blurry. I took it after I drank the other 5 bottles. I love how the bottom reads "Tempered over burning witches" Edited January 30, 2009 by Thequartermaster
Quartermaster James Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Ah yes, well you should get a very serviceable little animal for that, sir. Quite frankly the half pence ones are a bit on the mangy side ... What length was sir thinking of?.
Lady Alyx Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) And now The Larch...................... Edited January 30, 2009 by Lady Alyx ~~~~Sailing Westward Bound~~~~ Lady Alyx
Lady Alyx Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) Edited January 30, 2009 by Lady Alyx ~~~~Sailing Westward Bound~~~~ Lady Alyx
MadL Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I object to all this sex on the telly. I mean, I keep falling off! ~All skill be in vain if an angel pisses down th' barrel o' yer flintlock! So keep yer cutlass sharp, 'n keep her close!
MadL Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 (edited) And now for something Completely Different - A Message from John Cleese; To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix Âize will be replaced by the suffix Âise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twentyÂseven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spellÂchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of Âize. You will reÂlearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humor. 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) ÂÂroughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth Âsee what it did for them. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby ÂÂthe South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e., tax collector) will be with you shortly t o ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: 'No representation without taxation'. 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; Strawberries in season. 18. Some tea has gone missing ÂÂand we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first. God save the Queen. ::NO, Go F * Th' Queen!!!:: Edited January 31, 2009 by MadL ~All skill be in vain if an angel pisses down th' barrel o' yer flintlock! So keep yer cutlass sharp, 'n keep her close!
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