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Hawk the QM

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Yogurt?

no.

Cream?

No.

Eggs?

No.

Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupled with acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex.

Edited by Thequartermaster
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Good evening and welcome to another edition of 'Storage Jars'. On tonight's programme Mikos Antoniarkis, the Greek rebel leader who seized power in Athens this morning, tells us what he keeps in storage jars. (quick cut to photo of a guerrilla leader with a gun; sudden dramatic chord; instantly cut back to the presenter) From strife-torn Bolivia, Ronald Rodgets reports on storage jars there. (still of a Bolivian city and again dramatic chord and instantly back to the presenter) And closer to home, the first dramatic pictures of the mass jail-break near the storage jar factory in Maidenhead. All this and more in storage jars!

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Mr SutlerJon, of 13 To The Cresent Drive, Redding, would you stand up, please?

(Mr SutlerJon stands)

(clik...BOOM!)

This illustrates the importance of not being seen.

I would post another reply,

but I'm practicing ......

100_0552-1.jpg

The art of not being seen

Damn, thats sharp!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Good evening. On 'Ethel the Frog' tonight we look at violence The violence of British Gangland. Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers, Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history, were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division. Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later; and again a week after that.

Edited by Quartermaster James
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Pan across a civic park, of which the only occupants are about ten pepperpots, dressed identically, scattered across on benches. One pepperpot is in a wheelchair. We come in to Mrs Non-Smoker, unwrapping a parcel and calling to the birds.

Mrs Non-Smoker (Terry J.)

Come on little birdies ... come on little birdies ... tweet tweet ... come and see what mummy's got for you ...

She unwraps the parcel revealing a leg of lamb which she hurls at the gathered birds. A screech. She kills a pigeon. She reaches in a another bag and produces two tins of pineapple chunks and throws them.

Mrs Non-Smoker

Come on little birdies ... tweety tweety ... oooh look at this ... tweet tweet ... ooohhh nice one ... come on little birdies ...

She chortles with delight as she hurls a huge jar of mayonnaise which smashes messily. She then throws a large frozen turkey, a jar of onions, a bag of frozen peas, and a bottle of wine. We widen as Mrs Smoker, with an identical piston engine to the last pepperpot, comes up to Mrs Non-Smoker. Quite a large area in front of Mrs Non-Smoker is littered with packaged foods and dead birds; a bird is pecking at a tin of paté; a small pond in front of her has a swan upside down with its feet sticking in the air, a huge tin floating beside it.

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Oh yes...

Mrs Non-Gorilla

Morning Mrs Gorilla.

Mrs Gorilla

Morning Mrs Non-Gorilla.

Mrs Non-Gorilla

Have you been shopping?

Mrs Gorilla

No ... been shopping.

Mrs Non-Gorilla

Did you buy anything?

Mrs Gorilla

A piston engine!

She reveals a six-cylinder car engine on a white tray, on a trolley.

Mrs Non-Gorilla

What d'you buy that for?

Mrs Gorilla

Oooh! It was a bargain.

Mrs Non-Gorilla

Oooohhh!

photo-2975.jpg?__rand=0.71617700+1286403
Member of "The Forsaken"

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Mrs Non-Smoker

Oohh hello, Mrs Smoker.

Mrs Smoker (Graham)

Hello Mrs Non-Smoker.

Mrs Non-Smoker

What, you been shopping then?

Mrs Smoker

Nope ... I've been shopping!

Mrs Non-Smoker

What d'you buy?

Mrs Smoker

A piston engine!

Mrs Non-Smoker

What d'you buy that for?

Mrs Smoker

It was a bargain!

Mrs Non-Smoker

How much d'you want for it?

Mrs Smoker

Three quid!

Mrs Non-Smoker

Done. (she hands over the money)

Mrs Smoker

Right. Thank you.

Mrs Non-Smoker

How d'you cook it?

Mrs Smoker

You don't cook it.

Mrs Non-Smoker

You can't eat that raw!

Mrs Smoker

Ooooh ... never thought of that. Oh, day and night, but this is wondrous strange ...

Mrs Non-Smoker

... and therefore is a stranger welcome it. There are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come, the time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right. Let's go together.

Edited by Quartermaster James
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