Hawk the QM Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 In Cleese I trust! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ah, my name is Pither as in Brotherhood, but with PI instead of the B-R-O. and no hood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 (edited) Sorry, FALSE Edited January 31, 2009 by Quartermaster James Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Hand Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 MY BRAIN HURTS....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadL Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Sorry,FALSE bu'..bu'...'e has a blo-y English accent, just read it yer self 'n ye will hears it ye will! Oh Blo-y 'Ell!, bet it was them bloom'n Frenchies what wro'e it then... ~All skill be in vain if an angel pisses down th' barrel o' yer flintlock! So keep yer cutlass sharp, 'n keep her close! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sjöröveren Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Mousebender: Well, how about a little Red Leicester? Wensleydale: I'm afreaid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir. Mousebender: Oh never mind. How are you on Tilsit? Wensleydale: Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it gresh first thing on Monday. Mousebender: Tish, tish. No matter, Well, four ounces of Caerfilly, if you please, stout yeoman. Wensleydale: Ah,well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning. Mousebender: Yes, it's not my day is it. Er, Bel Paese? Wensleydale: Sorry. Mousebender: Red Windsor? Wensleydale: Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down. Mousebender: Ah, Stilton? Wensleydale: Sorry. Mousebender: Gruyère, Emmental? Wensleydale: No. Mousebender: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger? Wensleydale: No. Mousebender: Liptauer? Lancashire? Wensleydale: No. Mousebender: White Stilton? Wensleydale: No. Mousebender: Danish Blue? Wensleydale: No. Mousebender: Double Gloucester? Wensleydale: ...No. Mousebender: Cheshire? Wensleydale: No. Mousebender: Any Dorset Blue Vinney? Wensleydale: No. Mousebender: Brie Rocquefort, Pont-l'Èvêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-l'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Blue, Perle de Champange, Camembert? Wensleydale: Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir. Mousebender: You do? Excellent! Wensleydale: Its a bit runny, sir. Mousebender: Oh, I like it runny. Wensleydale: Well, as a matter of fact, it's very runny, sir. Mousebender: No matter, hand over le fromage de la belle France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plaît. Wensleydale: I think it's runnier than you like, sir. Mousebender: I don't care how f*cking runny it is, Hand it over with all speed. Wensleydale: Yes, sir. Oh.... Mousebender: What? Wensleydale: The cat's eaten it. the Fool's Gold Pirates Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Hand Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 "And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capn Bob Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 All I can be sayin' to that is, Blackbeard supported the Stuarts and what was good enuff fer Neddy Teach be good enuff fer me! And so I say both Ni! and Ying Tong Iddle I Po to the Windsors...anyone with a brown soup named after them can't be all good... And now for something Completely Different -A Message from John Cleese; To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix Âize will be replaced by the suffix Âise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twentyÂseven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spellÂchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of Âize. You will reÂlearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humor. 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) ÂÂroughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth Âsee what it did for them. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby ÂÂthe South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e., tax collector) will be with you shortly t o ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: 'No representation without taxation'. 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; Strawberries in season. 18. Some tea has gone missing ÂÂand we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first. God save the Queen. ::NO, Go F * Th' Queen!!!:: Damn, thats sharp! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capn Bob Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 I'm surprised this favorite food hasn't really made it here yet...I ate it all the time, growing up in the Army...not the Lobster Thermidor, obviously... spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam .or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam. What, no C-Ration crackers and cheese spread with that? Damn, thats sharp! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered, philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies, with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding Masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards! Well, I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking knees and begged me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir! Grab your egg-and-fours and let's get the bacon delivered! ~Sorry old man we don't understand your banter You know, bally tenpenny ones dropping in the custard! ~No no sorry Um... sausage squad up the blue end? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Five shillings a dozen? That's ordinary cabbages, is it? And what about the bombs? Good Lord, they are expensive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 (edited) News from the Western Front, sir. -Yes? Big enemy attack at dawn, sir -Yes ... ? Well, the enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir ... and ... they had fairy wands with big stars on the end ... and ... -They what ... ? .. and ... they had spiders in matchboxes, sir. -Good God! How did our chaps react? Well, they were jolly interested, sir. Some of them ... I think it was the 4th Armored Brigade, sir, they ... well, they went and had a look at the spiders, sir. -Get me the Prime Minister. Not that quickly! Gentlemen, it's now quite apparent that the enemy are not only fighting this war on the cheap, but they're also not taking it seriously. ~Bastards. Edited February 5, 2009 by Thequartermaster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 When the pilot, Jennifer has to choose between his secret love for Louis, the hot-bloodedly bi-sexual navigator and Andy, the rear gunner, who, though quite assertive with girls, tends to take the submissive role in his relationships with men. And sensational Mexican starlet, Rosetta Nixon, plays the head of bomber command, whose passion for sea-birds ends in tragedy. With Ginger, as the half-man, half-woman, parrot whose unnatural instincts brought forbidden love in the aviary. And Roger as Pip, the half-parrot, half-man, half-woman, three-quarter badger, ex-bigamist negro preacher, for whom banjo-playing was very difficult, and he never mastered it although he took several courses and went to banjo college ... er ... and everything ... don't miss it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 And now for something completely different. Here on top of Edinburgh Castle, in conditions of extreme secrecy, men are being trained for the British Army's first Kamikaze Regiment, the Queen's Own McKamikaze Highlanders. So successful has been the training of the Kamikaze Regiment that the numbers have dwindled from 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks. What makes these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 The money's good! And the water-skiing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 (edited) It's the fifth state that a Scotsman can achieve, sir. He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime or he thinks he's let down the Emperor, sir. -Well, can't we get him out of it? Oh, I dunno how to, sir. Our Kamikaze instructor, Mr Yashimoto, was so good he never left Tokyo airport. Edited February 5, 2009 by Thequartermaster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Right, sergeant major - there's no time to lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Right, sergeant major - there's no time to lose. no time to loose no time to loose no time to loose -> Now you try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 No-time Toulouse. The story of the wild and lawless days of the post-Impressionists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 OH SH*T it's Mr. Creosote.... Hey look... Howards being eaten. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Pyrat Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Thou shall not pass! The Charles Towne Few - We shall sail... The sea will be our empire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sutlerjon Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 That's not an argument ..... it's merely contradiction Self Promoter Jim Pirate Gear oldsutlerjohn.biz American Civil War oldsutlerjohn.net Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 (edited) No it isn't. Edited February 10, 2009 by Quartermaster James Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk the QM Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I will test how much of a fan you guys are. This is a line from a stand up by one of monty pythons biggest fans. He was even on stage with them during their Aspen show. Cake or DEATH! Uuuuuuuuh cake please. Very well.... give him cake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quartermaster James Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I will test how much of a fan you guys are. A fan of whom? Monty Python or Eddie Izzard? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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