Dorian Lasseter Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e., tax collector) will be with you shortly t o ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: 'No representation without taxation'. 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; Strawberries in season. 18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first. God save the Queen. Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Pogue Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Given the current political state and all... Would this be bad or good? Conceptual Simplicity, Structural Complexity, Achieves a Greater State of humanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silkie McDonough Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I feel an equally clever rebuttal is required here. You honestly didn't expect me to speak up did you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misson Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I'm in favour of 16. Except let's not pay the taxes. It could well be an improvement. And why, oh why, doesn't the MS word spell-checker have an option to accept correctly-spelled English words? I keep having to add every word - and worse, every variation of said words (plural and so forth) - that contains 'ou' to the spell checker. Where's Ed Foxe when you need him? "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde "If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted is really true, there would be little hope of advance." -Orville Wright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Handed Jill Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Yeah - I keep saying I should've gotten the Canadian version of Word. Except when I'm writing a technical or spec document and I need to remember to use the American spellings... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silkie McDonough Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 ...And why, oh why, doesn't the MS word spell-checker have an option to accept correctly-spelled English words? I keep have to add every word - and worse, every variation of said words (plural and so forth) that contains 'ou's to the spell checker... In word. Click on the Tools on the menu bar. Choose Language/Set Language/English UK (you can choose Canadian also ...or Irish or ...you get the idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hurricane Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 About darned time!!!! -- Hurricane -- Hurricane ______________________________________________________________________ http://piratesofthecoast.com/images/pyracy-logo1.jpg Captain of The Pyrates of the Coast Author of "Memoirs of a Buccaneer: 30 Year Before the Mast" (Published in Fall 2011) Scurrilous Rogue Stirrer of Pots Fomenter of Mutiny Bon Vivant & Roustabout Part-time Carnival Barker Certified Ex-Wife Collector Experienced Drinking Companion "I was screwed. I readied my confession and the sobbing pleas not to tell my wife. But as I turned, no one was in the bed. The room was empty. The naked girl was gone, like magic." "Memoirs of a Buccaneer: 30 Years Before the Mast" - Amazon.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misson Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 ...And why, oh why, doesn't the MS word spell-checker have an option to accept correctly-spelled English words? I keep have to add every word - and worse, every variation of said words (plural and so forth) that contains 'ou's to the spell checker... In word. Click on the Tools on the menu bar. Choose Language/Set Language/English UK (you can choose Canadian also ...or Irish or ...you get the idea. Ooooh...very cool. Thanks, Silkie! "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde "If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted is really true, there would be little hope of advance." -Orville Wright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary Diamond Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 God Save the Queen! Well, it's about bloody time. It's not like they've been too busy fighting a war they had no reason to start. Oooh, shiny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graydog Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I like that letter, very funny. Its from the 2000 election, and not written by John Cleese. Urban Legends Allegedly he does want to be a speech writer for Mr. Obama. Cleese wants to write for Obama- LA Times Blog However, I haven't seen this confirmed. Why am I sharing my opinion? Because I am a special snowflake who has an opinion of such import that it must be shared and because people really care what I think! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silkie McDonough Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 You are welcome Mission. Helps to have worked with an international company. lol ...We even had occasion to use the Jamaican English once. LOL Too bad I couldn't have hand delivered those documents. I don't know how accurate the grammar check is for the other dictionaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Pogue Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Yay, word has English - Canadian spellcheck! Aboot time I found that, eh? Conceptual Simplicity, Structural Complexity, Achieves a Greater State of humanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silkie McDonough Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 ...and suddenly I am a hero to many! If only I had know how easy that was years ago! So, sombody rebut and I will format it for you. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
'Bastian Devareaux Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Silly, silly...Too silly! It is time to pause, even so early, for this account is not intended to be about my life...but is, as I have said, about my life's secrets. Secrecy is intrinsic to my work. ~ Christopher Priest “Five and Twenty Ponies, Trotting thru’ the Dark. Brandy for the Parson, 'Baccy for the Clerk. Laces for a Lady, Letters for a Spy.Watch the wall my darling; While the Gentlemen go by.”~Rudyard Kipling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadL Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Oh Bloody 'ell, Gi'e It To 'em Already! Maybe we can get a 'Yellowbeard II' out'a it at th' least ~All skill be in vain if an angel pisses down th' barrel o' yer flintlock! So keep yer cutlass sharp, 'n keep her close! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ransom Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 I saw this quite a while back. Someone e-mailed it to me. Thought it was funny back then, and still think it's funny. ...schooners, islands, and maroons and buccaneers and buried gold... You can do everything right, strictly according to procedure, on the ocean, and it'll still kill you. But if you're a good navigator, a least you'll know where you were when you died.......From The Ship Killer by Justin Scott. "Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful."....Captain Jack Sparrow Found in the Ruins — Unique Jewelry Found in the Ruins — Personal Blog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumba Rue Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 And John Cleese keeps mumbling something about a Holy Grail..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Hand Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Yeah....God Shave th' Queen......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Tea? I have not seen any tea.. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyBarbossa Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 ROTDLMAO! LOL... :::Still laughing::: LOL... LMAO! ::can't stop laughing::: I'll reply proper when I can stop laughing!!! ~Lady B Tempt Fate! an' toss 't all t' Hell!" "I'm completely innocent of whatever crime I've committed." The one, the only,... the infamous! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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