HEADS UP: Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A

[Dorian Lasseter]

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President

of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the

revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which

she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of

you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the

suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form

of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let

Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be

adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the

elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem,

God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're

not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if

you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what

we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato

chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in

animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the

greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.

They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors

as

good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English

dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to

having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try

Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they

regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the

sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e., tax collector)

will be with you shortly t o ensure the collection of all monies due

(backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no

representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: 'No

representation without taxation'.

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups and saucers

(never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;

Strawberries in season.

18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be

searching Boston first.

God save the Queen.

[Captain Pogue]

Given the current political state and all... Would this be bad or good?

[Silkie McDonough]

I feel an equally clever rebuttal is required here.

You honestly didn't expect me to speak up did you?

[Misson]

I'm in favour of 16. Except let's not pay the taxes. It could well be an improvement.

And why, oh why, doesn't the MS word spell-checker have an option to accept correctly-spelled English words? I keep having to add every word - and worse, every variation of said words (plural and so forth) - that contains 'ou' to the spell checker.

Where's Ed Foxe when you need him?

[Red-Handed Jill]

Yeah - I keep saying I should've gotten the Canadian version of Word. Except when I'm writing a technical or spec document and I need to remember to use the American spellings...

[Silkie McDonough]

...And why, oh why, doesn't the MS word spell-checker have an option to accept correctly-spelled English words? I keep have to add every word - and worse, every variation of said words (plural and so forth) that contains 'ou's to the spell checker...

In word. Click on the Tools on the menu bar. Choose Language/Set Language/English UK (you can choose Canadian also ...or Irish or ...you get the idea.

[hurricane]

About darned time!!!!

-- Hurricane

[Misson]

...And why, oh why, doesn't the MS word spell-checker have an option to accept correctly-spelled English words? I keep have to add every word - and worse, every variation of said words (plural and so forth) that contains 'ou's to the spell checker...

In word. Click on the Tools on the menu bar. Choose Language/Set Language/English UK (you can choose Canadian also ...or Irish or ...you get the idea.

Ooooh...very cool. Thanks, Silkie!

[Mary Diamond]

God Save the Queen!

Well, it's about bloody time. It's not like they've been too busy fighting a war they had no reason to start.

[Graydog]

I like that letter, very funny.

Its from the 2000 election, and not written by John Cleese.

Urban Legends

Allegedly he does want to be a speech writer for Mr. Obama.

Cleese wants to write for Obama- LA Times Blog

However, I haven't seen this confirmed.

[Silkie McDonough]

You are welcome Mission. Helps to have worked with an international company. lol ...We even had occasion to use the Jamaican English once. LOL Too bad I couldn't have hand delivered those documents. I don't know how accurate the grammar check is for the other dictionaries.

[Captain Pogue]

Yay, word has English - Canadian spellcheck! Aboot time I found that, eh?

[Silkie McDonough]

...and suddenly I am a hero to many! If only I had know how easy that was years ago!

So, sombody rebut and I will format it for you. lol

['Bastian Devareaux]

Silly, silly...Too silly!

[MadL]

Oh Bloody 'ell, Gi'e It To 'em Already!

Maybe we can get a 'Yellowbeard II' out'a it at th' least

[Ransom]

I saw this quite a while back. Someone e-mailed it to me. Thought it was funny back then, and still think it's funny.

[Rumba Rue]

And John Cleese keeps mumbling something about a Holy Grail.....

[Patrick Hand]

Yeah....God Shave th' Queen.........

[Black Syren]

Tea? I have not seen any tea..

[LadyBarbossa]

ROTDLMAO!

LOL...

:::Still laughing:::

LOL... LMAO!

::can't stop laughing:::

I'll reply proper when I can stop laughing!!!

~Lady B