Christmas Funnies

[Rumba Rue]

I came across this on another site, just had to post it here.

Christmas Disorders

1) Schizophrenia- --- "Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?"

2) Amnesia-- "I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas"

3) Narcissistic- - "Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me"

4) Manic-- "Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets

And >Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And

Trees And Fire Hydrants And..."

5) Multiple Personality Disorder---- "We Three Kings Disoriented Are"

6) Paranoid--- "Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us"

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- "You Better Watch Out, You

Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why"

8) Full Personality Disorder--- "Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire"

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..."

10) Agoraphobia- --"I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't

Leave My House"

11) Senile Dementia--- "Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My

House in My Slippers and Robe"

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder--- "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

So I Burned Down the House"

13) Social Anxiety Disorder--- "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate"

14) Attention Deficit Disorder-- "We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's

Snowing!!!"

[Rumba Rue]

And more....

DEAR SANTA: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a

gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

DEAR BILLY, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn

care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so

you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the

space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR SANTA: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I

ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

DEAR SARAH, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

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DEAR SANTA: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd

like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what

you can do. Love, Teddy

DEAR TEDDY, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen

door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna' give that up to come

back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to

give up that dream. You're getting Lego instead. Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR SANTA: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.

Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

DEAR FRANCIS, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're

gay. Barbie dream house it is! Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR SANTA: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I

left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

DEAR SUSAN, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart

in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?

Leave me a bottle of Yukon Jack. Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR SANTA: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you

busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

DEAR THOMAS, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in

Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.

I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of

cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you

wanted to know. Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR SANTA: Do you see us when we're sleeping? Do you really know

when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

DEAR JESSICA, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever

you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR SANTA: I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please

please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

TIMMY, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that

crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater.... again! Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAREST SANTA: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you

get in? Love, Marky

MARK, First, stop calling yourself "Marky"! That's why you're

getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a

house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside

your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa

[Lily Alexander]

[Lily Alexander]

[Red Cat Jenny]

BAhhh!!!! Those ae hysterical!!

Here's one of my favorites

MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

For your reading pleasure during this holiday season . . . MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, and gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, age, physical ability, religious faith or lack thereof, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS:

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.