Rosarita Montoya

A littel voice en mi cabeza cantos, "Dillard, Dillard... Dillard." Yo soy dreaming, and Yo soy giggling.

"Espere un minuto, mi es no un giggler," mi mummer.

Mi sees de hombre Dilliard, en his hamaca. I want to kiss heem. No... dis es no dreama, dis es a nightmare!

Senorita Silkie poked her cabeza en a de galley. Mí invito her en.

She keeps tanking mí an tanking mí. I esplained dat wee chicas hab got tu stick tugether.

Reímos (how ju say... laugh) about Dillard. Silkie esplain dat heem afrayed of her. Mí tell ella dat mi tink heem afrayed de mí tu!

Señor Navarro says, "Rosarita, jou es good kook. Señor Tar kneeds another kook a bordo de Relentless."

Estoy aqui, "Pero... witch sheep es de Relentless?"

Mi turn tu de hombre, "Señor jou be numero uno on mi lista aftar señor Jacky e Inigo naturalmente. Hasta la vista!" Mi struted pas de chicas at de cantina, en xit de pub.

"Muchas gracias señor! Oh, Jacky mi like heem, dis hombre tinks mi es mysterious en beautiful wooman. Inigo did jou here wot dis hombre hab tu sa!"

Mi buscar por que no buen esposo, Inigo. (In broken English: Mi luke por dat no good husban, Inigo.)

I sea Jacky es back, "Who es jou sleepy amigo, Jacky?" Mi pull a chair nex tu de tabla, en seat down. "Jou hab ben gone, no? Dis hombre, es wid jou?" Jacky sez heem jus meat dis hombre, e de hombre nods hes cabeza (butt I tink heem es sleeping). Mi smile tu de chicas, at de cantina, day no smile at mi... hummph!

Before Jacky, can except a mint, Rosie takes a seat at his table. With her back to Ransom, she strokes Jacky's chin, "Mi no reconocer jou Jacky. Jou shaved por de pirate chicas?" She smiles and lifts his tankard to her lips.

I look over at Rosie, and yawn. "So, Rosie, did you bring all the mini-Montoyas with you...there were how many? Eight? Nine?"

I walk over to Inigo and whisper in his ear, "You're in trouble now." Then glance back at the newcomer, while I reach in the bag by the bar. "Hey Rosie, here, have a cheesehead hat. It's what all the well-dressed Pub members are wearing this year."

Rosie glares at Ransom, "No, we hab seex cheeldrens; we been over dis Fal... Ransom!" She looks at the cheesehead hat and drops it on the bar. "Ultima moda... Hmmph! Mi no tink so."

"So Inigo mi find jou flirting wid de pirate chicas, otra vez!"

Jacky turns to Inigo, "So, yer not pursuin' the 'Pirate Hunter' franchise. What arr ye goin' t' do wit' the rest of eternity?"

The wind blows open the door of the Pub. A sea soaked silhouette of a perfect female form is standing in it. Her dark wet tresses cascade over her shoulders, and a gleaming aztec medallion (or is it a coin) hangs from a chain, around her perfect neck.

She speaks in a thick Spanish accent, "Jes mi no, how heem es spending eternidad. Heem es spending eternidad wid mi!"

Gasps can be heard... Rosie has returned...

The four move toward the booth...

They reach the booth and begin to drag Rosie out of the booth.

"Please Inigo do somting. Jou wan mi out of jou lifes, fin. But, not like dis. Don't let dem take de sheep of jou dreams too!"

Rosie breaks free for the moment. Kicks Hank in the groin, grabs her whip to keep the other three at bay.

Jacky breaks a rum bottle against the back of Izzie's head. This gets her attention and she throws him out an open window. Pepe tries to tackle Izzie, and he is thrown out the same window.

Rosie is not going down without a fight. She wraps her whip around Izzie's neck and trys to strangle her. Izzie tries to get Rosie to release the whip...

Inigo gingerly eases the dagger point away from his jugular and warily eyes Rosarita's injuries.

"Inigo I aim sorry! Pero estos ultimo dias!"

"Elvira combs to de pub an tells mi she going to hab de Cardinal nulo hour matrimonio. She say jou owe her monies, an she es taking de casa. De ugly step cheeldrens beat an tie mi up!"

"I go to see jou cussin de priest, an heem sez Elvira signs documentos, dat sez de sheep belongs to de church!"

"I see jou on a beech wid Capitan Siren, mio English es terrible, an I tink jou sez Siren is muy caliente. Witch she is!"

"If we no un matrimonio, den Elvira can sell mi an hour seex cheeldrens to Capitan Sterling!"

Rosie slumps into Inigo's booth and begins to weep.

Rosie enters the pub through the back door. She makes her way to the lost and found box behind the bar; where, she retrieves her whip and picks up a serving tray. Hiding her face with the tray she walks to the booths in the back of the pub. He sees Inigo smiling at Elvira, and she spots a dagger stuck in the side of the booth. She quickly pulls the dagger and places the tip against Inigo's throat.

"While dos Hoarse Men of de Alpaca Lips beat me, jou folick on de beech wid Capitan Siren?" (see 'You in yar garb')

Whoa! Dat ees one hot beach!

"Inigo! Jou drunken cheeldrens nearly kill mi an jou arr frolicking wid Siren on de beech?"

"Where es mi whip?"

"Rosie, santita! Jou are employed here? Go fetchee mi an de cheeldrens somting to drink, por favor."

Rosie bristles and turns to see her former mistress and the brute squad. She doesn't look as surprised to see Elvira, as Elvira is to see her.

"No Señora, I aim not empleared here. Why arr jou seeking work?"

Turns flashing blue eyes on Rosie. "And as for FLAT, well my dear, I can't suppose, after all those little Montoya's you're so proud of, you're quite as "pert" as you used to be, eh?" Gives a sly wink. "Better to be flat, than falling!"

"Ransom, jou were in Pilates class, no? I had mi first Montoya bebe when mi es jus fifteen. Mi still es under thirty; so, gracias a Dios, nada es fallen yet!"

He rounds on Rosarita. "I try to be trosting kind of guy, but Rosie, I theenk dose leetle cheeldrens -- escuse me, dose enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken cheeldrens -- are not mine. No, eet's no juse protesting. I on to jour treeks, wooman! I now conveenced jou doan gone over to de dark side."

"Inigo, jou bean away so long jou forget everything. Camelia an Annabel arr jou sisters not jou daugthers. None of hour childrens is over four feets tall; the oldest es only 12. The childrens from jou first failed wreck of a union, arr de drunken juans!"

"Blackfoot and Bloody Scupper ar de godfathers the Cardinal pick for little Juan and Maria."

"Now my uncle Juan heem esposa has a wooden leg; she lost her leg in a carriage accidente. As for hair, the Montoyas arr de hairiest peoples I knows. Why do jou tink everybodys call Teodora, Teddie bear?"

"Jou Puerto Rican cussins sez put de Bacardi in de bebe bottles to help them sleep."

"I aim a good Catholic woomen, and I half ben bery patient. Why jou so suspious?"

"Oh, I bet eet's jus' "beezness!" I bet jou "get beezy" regular-like! I bet jou--" He stops short, her words sinking in, and peers briefly at Jacky Tar. "Okay, jou gots a point dere. Heem even ooglier den I aim."

But he whirls, and points at her accusingly. "But dat not mean jou not foolin' aroun' wid somebody here! I can tail, Rosie, jou doan taken a shine to Juan of dese creeminals! I gots eveedence!"

"Eef eet's no Jacky Tar, den I theenk jou steppin' out wid' Capitan Sterling!"

"Inigo, jou ar mi juan, mi juan an only! I tell jou dese ar no creeminals, day ar good mens to do beezness wid."

"True, Jacky heem looks like Admiral Willie Nelson, but heem compasivo. I tell heem about cussin Teddies churro bingeing, and he offers tu send hers fibe doughzen churros and a bottle of laxative."

"Capitan Sterling, heem look like de fella on de Quakers Oat box; but, just de udder day I hear heem tell Flat Ransom day shood get some pearl divers to help get de gold. Leetle do day no it under 50 fathoms of ocean!"

"Inigo, mi amor, apenas te veo!"

I see how she look at dat Jacky Tar when she een de Pub! She theenk I too escared to noteece, but I see her wid' de long eyelashes and de weenking!"

"Inigo, jou talkin' about de same Jacky Tar asleep at the bar? Wid the craggy face, and gray pigtails? Jou crazy jealous fool. Dis is jus bizness, my little bonny."

"Rosie, I'll give ye four weeks in advance; but this is a slave free port, I have t' pay Pepe. So let my accountant crunch some of the numbers and ye have a deal!"

"Gracias, Jacky. When jou need more peons jou call Rosie!"

Jacky, lays his head down on the bar to get some much needed rest. Rosie puts a sea chest blanket over Jacky's shoulders and leaves the pub.

"I know a free drink, even one this good, is never free. What do ye want from ol' Jacky?"

"Jacky jou need help wit all jou bizness. How bout I rent jou a peon? Jou sign The Rent A Peon agreement, make de weekly payments and Pepe be jou peon! What jou say to dat?"

Hmm well I do like cherries, lead the way lass.

Ray has let Rosie behind the bar, where she is mixing up a 'Cherry Bomb' (with extra cherries) for Siren, and a 'Flaming Spanish Fly' for Jacky.

"Siren, don jou get near any open flames wit this one!"

She serves the drinks.

"Jacky, jou drink dis one and jou luv everybody, even Teddy!"

Jacky just turns and walks away.

"Jacky wait! Do jou want me to shoot her?"

Rosarita walks out of an alleyway and puts her arm around Jacky's shoulders, and glares back at Silkie.

"How bout I buy jou a drink, Jacky? Siren, if jou like I buy jou a bunch of tickle cherries!"

Rosie walks Jacky back to the pub.

**sigh** no Mexican cat fight.....

Hmmm Well maybe if we toss a tricorn down we can have a Mexican Hat Dance. *Tosses a stray tricorn to the floor*

Rosarita Montoya enters the Pub to apologize to Inigo's cousin Agustina for her less than lady like exit. When she encounters the very attractive female pirate with the rope fetish, Captain Siren.

"Capitan Siren, jou drop yer sombrero!"

"Jou laugh about Inigo's sheep. It was a galleon filled with gold and treasure. Before, heem become the Pirate Hunter, he was the Treasure Hunter. He becomes the Pirate Hunter to raise moneies, to raise his boat!"

"Now who is laughing!"

Seeing that Agustina has left the Pub, so does Rosarita.

"Rosarita, jou who are de hot beach in my Clob Maid vacation, I ... ehhhhm ... I like jou to meet .... ehhhhm ... " At a complete loss for the moment, he turns to the newly entered vision and says, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Prepare to d-- no, scratch dat last part. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. Nice to meet jou."

"Dats it! I'm no Clob Maid."

"Jou want to see what kind of hot beach I can be?"

The whip in Rosie's hand becomes a living thing. The whip lashes out and catches Inigo by the boot, and with sharp tug, he is dropped to the floor. Rosie drags Inigo from the bar, kicking and screaming. Pepe follows the couple from the Pub, as if he's seen this before!

.... to be continued.

sheeRosarita, Rosie, Rosa, Ro, Sita, Mamacita, jou who are de sun and de rain on my fields fool of migrant workers... now ees not de time.

Who jou gon' believe, me or a bonch of pirates? Look, dese peoples crazy! Look at dees one (gesturing at Siren), dere she go again wit' de rope talk! She a pirate and she not even know what a sheep is! She eidder crazy or illeeterate ... or boat!

Dees fellow Jacky Tar, I not know from Adam. Bot he call me a "mogneefeecent Spaniard" an dass good eenoaf for me. Jou could stan' take a cue from heem, jou know? (Hmmph. Call me "leetle bonny" een front of everyboady, eh?)

I promees jou, juance I get dees den of ineequity cleaned up, I gon' buy jou all de peacock fedders jou can shake a steek at. Jou know how many Betty Crocker Good Housekeeping points each juan is wort'? Hah? No, dat's coz jou not even look at de manuals for The Pirate Hunter before jou tell me eet a crazy idee. Jus jou wait an see, Rosie.

"Inigo jou lieing spaniard, jou can't even remember my name!"

"Silkie, put a cork in it! Jou read too many romance novellas. Garcias, for the tushee comment, jou know that Pilates really works. Take note: no sombrero, no boots, no gloves, and oh jes Inigo has no goatee! If jou touch my Inigo or he does rope tricks fer jou, I kill jou... daid... daid... daid..."

At that moment Pepe dressed in Aztec bling, enters the Pub. Rosie is seething, and pirates with peacock feathers are streaming out of the Pub.