cap'n no-beard

Bitch by Dope *headbangs so hard eyes pop out of head*

block of edam and a can of ting... i dont feel too good

I'm closely related to Alexander McQueen (if ye haven't heard of him on the other side of the pond google 'im)

why did the pervert cross the road???

because his dick was stuck in the chicken

im officially the worlds most boring person, its true! ive naver broken a bone or got a tattoo or have a piercing and i have no hobbies to speak of, i dont like sports i dont smoke and i dont drink excessivly, ive never had a one night stand and have been in just one steady relationship for almost 2 years which is still my first relationship of any description, i dont have any intresting stories or weird allergies or phobias and i cant do anything weird with my body (then again i dont often check).

I was assulted a year ago today purely because of what i was wearing and i still haven't heard anything from the police even though he was arrested at the scene!! (grrrrrrrr!!!) Oh and that reminds me the thing that annoys me the most is ignorance (GRRRRRRRR!!!)

cap'n no-beard

What's blue and doesn't fit anymore????

A dead epileptic

O.K. so theres alot of satirical material in there but in all honesty i really love bush... i just cant stand george dubya!

im sorry i just couldn't help myself

What do you get when you cross James Dean with George Bush?

A rebel without a clue.

Why will they bury George Bush face down?

So he can see where he is going.

What's the difference George Bush and a chimpanzee?

One has the mental abilities of a human child and the other likes to eat bananas.

Why is Dolly Parton jealous of Washington D.C.?

It has two of the biggest boobs in the world -

Bush & Dick

George Bush

ok so thats not strictly a joke but just mentiong him always makes me laugh

ok these aren't jokes there more observations but i hope u find em funny anyway.

i was flicking through the tv channels and i came across a programe with a scary looking televangelist was asking people from the audience if they had had any religious experinces, eventually a woman stood up and was asked to come on to the stage and share her story, she then revealed a story of when she was walking along the side of a cliff when she slipped and was convinced she was going to die when she felt a hand reach out and grab her and pull her back and when she looked around and saw no-one there she was convinced it was a guardian angel who had saved her from death... now it might be just me but i dont think if there was an angel who saved her it obviously didnt actually like her if it saved her cuz it didnt want her to die and come to heaven!!

the other one is also based around religion.

my aunt is a die-hard born again christain and is always trying to convince me god does exist, one day she was giving me her usuall speech when i exploded and shouted 'god does not exist! there is no actual evidence or any kind of proof!!' she clamly replied saying 'there may be no proof god exists but u cant show me oxygen, if u can prove oxygen exists i'll prove god exists'

so i asphyxiated her

An 18 year old virgin is on a plane home from her holiday when suddenly the pilot comes onto the intercom and says 'ladies and gentlemen, we have lost both engines and are going to crash land, say goodbye to your loved ones as this is the last chance you will have to speak to them.' hearing this the woman jumps up and screams 'ive never had sex but i dont want to die a virgin, can anyone make me feel like a woman before i die??' hearing this the pilot busts out of the cockpit, rips off his shirt and says 'here love, iron this'

why is a waist called a waist?

its a waste cuz u could fit another pair of tits there

whats the only part of a vegetable you can't eat???

the wheelchair

what did the retarded wheel-chair-bound child get for christmas???

cancer

A blonde is driving down the motorway and sees another blonde sat in a boat, in a field furiously trying to row to the edge of the field, infuriated by this sight the blonde pulls her car over and shouts over to the blonde in the boat 'what the hell do you think your doing??? its people like you you give blondes a bad name, if i could swim i'd come over there and kick ur ass!'

I am but a humble tar but i hope u wont find it too bold of me to say i hope u get through this with as little pain as possible. Though i might appear cocky i just wanted to give u a little advice from another perspective, whether or not u choose to use it is your decision, though not divorced my parents were recently seperated and it was probably the hardest thing i've had 2 go through in my short life, but the thing i was most concerned about during the split was that i was going to lose one of my parents, for this reason u must constantly reassure your daughter you will always be there for her and that as far as the relationship between you and your daughter goes nothing will change, the other thing that concerned me during the split was exactly what was happening and why as i still dont quite no exactly why it was my parents split, so if u feel she is mature enough to tell her (i say this because i dont know how old your daughter is) you should tell her exactly what is going to happen and why.

other than that all i can say is good luck and if your feeling down lift some weights and listen 2 master of puppets

Last thing i ate was ... well the last thing i can tell u bout was tagletelle with pepper, chicken and melted cheese in a coriander pesto sauce, then ney york style cheese-cake which is the best dessert ever invented...ever

i put a similar post in plunder but didnt get much of a response so i thought i'd put one here as its more popular, thanks for the advice though

if this aint the right place to ask would u mind directing me to a more appropriate place please. thank ye for ye help

hey i be lookin for a ship of any sort and i would be very greatfull if anyone already owns one could tell me where they got thiers or where to buy one or any information would br greatly appreciated

welcome to the pub! set up a stool an' wen ray aint lookin slip some o me rhum into yer drink, enjoy yerself just dont go wanderin too far into the darker corners o the pub or u'll be needin use those martial arts u speak of! get urself a drink of ur choosin on me