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Pirate Jokes & Evil Humour


captweaver65

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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

RedJaq3.gifAniMorgansJR2.gif

Hoist the colors Laddies! We're goin' in fer the kill!

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hello Morgan La Scylla,

I was thinking as I read your various last jokes ,that it might be good for you to read the many preceding pages of this topic,as most of the jokes have already been posted

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Capt Weaver

"No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. "

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions

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There was a male humpback whale in his prime and he sees a female

Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

Capt Weaver

"No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. "

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions

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:ph34r: The Captain's wife was Mable by god she sure was able to take the crew fer a midnight screw upon the chartroom table... :(

The Captain's name was Carter and by christ he was a farter , when the wind wouldn't blow and the ship wouldn't go it took Carter the farter to start her ... :(

Lord above please send a dove with wings as sharp as razors , to cuts the throats of them there blokes what sells bad booze to sailors ..

" Illigitimiti non carborundum . "

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This is my satirical news article about pirates, in the style of, (but not copied from) The Onion.

PIRATES MAKE UNINTELLIGIBLE DEMANDS

CARTAGENA, New Spain -- Cartagena, the richest city on the Spanish Main, has been seized by a cutthroat crew of approximately 500 pirates, who are holding the community for a ransom not known at press time due to difficulty deciphering the pirates' speech.

"Arrrr," Billy Leach Bloodblade told reporters. "If'n ye be wishin' to save yer capital unburnt, ye'd best yield up a squall full o' pretties, by thunder!" Efforts to determine how much one "squall" might be, or what might constitute a "pretty" proved unsuccessful.

Upon being presented with a chest full of silver and gold coins, Captain Gorch Savage called a press conference. "Shiver me timbers," Savage stated. "Avast yon scanting swag! We'll not stand for the offing afore ye lay landside and haul up fairer purchase. Arrrrr!" Savage is then reported to have swashed his buckler; requests for a more detailed description of this behavior have not yet been answered.

Bosun Scratch Bourbon attracted great attention on the weekend when he issued a demand which Cartagena residents thought they had deciphered.

"I'll be ready to set sail," Bourbon said, immediately catching the townsmen's attention with that phrase, "when ye gi' me a fine, pretty pink wi' two long nines, white t'gans'ls and her deadeyes dark and tight." After extensive consultation, the Cartagenians interpreted this as a demand for a comely female, and they introduced Bourbon to 19-year-old Anita Suarez, who had expressed an admiration for the pirate's appearance. However, Mr. Bourbon reacted by running Miss Suarez through with his cutlass and storming off in apparent disgust, leaving Cartagenians still unsure of the actual object of his desire.

Earlier this Thursday, Mr. Bloodblade reportedly announced to the citizens, "I'll be broached to! It's befogged as younkers ye are, and scurvy swabs too!" Mr. Bloodblade was then immediately attacked by his fellow buccaneer Dirk Fathom, who inflicted minor injuries with a weapon apparently called a "marlinespike." It appears that Mr. Fathom may have misunderstood Mr. Bloodblade's meaning, as the two shortly stopped fighting, shook hands, and parted as friends.

Yesterday's reports of a final ransom demand from pirate leader Mace Hornswoggle are now discounted; current reports indicate that Mr. Hornswoggle had hawked up some phlegm, which was misinterpreted as an attempt at speech.

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Q:Why does a pirate wench need a Y-shaped coffin?

A:Because as soon as she lies down she spreads her legs.

captWeaver.gif

Capt Weaver

"No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. "

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions

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A young cabin boy named sherm

jumped out with his cock long and firm

two jerks and a spasm,

he had an orgasm

and drew a jolly roger in sperm.

:ph34r:

Capt Weaver

"No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. "

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions

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There was an old pirate called Neville

and I'm telling you straight, on the level,

he's got a gut like a keg,

and one wooden leg,

and his foot smells like farts from the devil.

Capt Weaver

"No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. "

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions

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