Admiral Von Uber-Pirate

Und it was never I who claimed to be German with a navy but a pirate with 1000 ships under ze leadership of ze Master Crew. ZO .....NANNY-NANNY-POP-POO und for what you now call germany and prussia were never land locked mit major ports such as Bremen, Hamburg, und Danzig mit many lesser ports. Zey were major zeefarfers of both ze North Zee und ze Baltic Zee at ze time of ze Golden Age they were part of the Holy Roman Empire.

It's ok fraulein Barbossa I get all ze respect I need with my fleet of pirates blasting ze hell out of polyester und rayon clad renfaire pirates who don't know a head from a haly'ard! und ze next time i zee anyone dressed like zat ridiculus Capt. Jack Sparrow or ze rest of zat abomidible cast I vill chop them up for chum to feed ze sharks

Inigo, Inigo, Inigo und i used to tink you were good comic relief and I was going to give you that career advancement and make you a supervisor on the night cleaning crew but for now NO VAL-MART FOR YOU 2 YEARS!!!!! I know how you vachos love climbing ze fence in ze desert, good luck my little mencsh!!! Zer vill be NO reprieve now!!! Those who colaborate with ze Master Crew und follow the strictest standards of authenticity will be spared all others will go to ze Val-Mart camps

With a loud resounding or should i say deafening......EEEEUUURRRRRRRPPPPPP!!!! that singes the feathers off the entire aztec nation and has them turning green from the stench Ze Admiral turns witha small smile on his face and says to Montoya "It lacks the gusto of Lillie's Snitzel-Grueben washed down with bilge water but it has a nice aftertaste" "Und you seem to have forgotten the other 24,904 other storm sailors controlling ze island here and ze 1000 warships surrounding ze island. I'm certain zat they are enjoying the carnage of slaughtering thousands of aztecs by now und sinking every ship in ze harbor"

Entertainment is not what piracy is about meine liebe. I vill be back to change you into some nice period habidiments in a vile ...... ze lovely frau Death I am zo glad the Watchdog is keeping out to zee ...tis a fine ship and crew would hate to have sink it ....but i tink my next stop might just have to be Kingston harbor and Port Royal

Fraulein Barbossa, if i had no honor i would have shot you between the eyes when you drew your sword ........at least you are still alive

Twelve of ze Admiral storm sailors surround the boistrous lass with the sword and one proceeds to bash her senseless with the but of a blunderbuss the other drag her limp carcass back to her seat .... "i have cut myself worse while shavink"

Zeese words come from ze mouth of a dead man in fancy pants who i shot and had hung hours ago

Just a small correction wench is not an adjective it is a noun and the true definition -is any woman who provides for her own income and does not derive it from family or a husband Und anytime you wish to trade verbal barbs with me i am more zan a match for such a child as you!!!

Sit down und be silent fraulein barbossa!!! I am not frightened by little girls who have to play with toy guns because she can't get any real weapons of her own ....perhaps we should melt down your toys so you can make an ashtray for ze table in mummy und daddy's front hall!!! My men will force you if you resist!!! Und Mister Odor... in ze early 18th century there is no engine to run your silly cartoon machine nor fuel so POOF!!!! Your threats are but sound and fury! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM what you are hearing is my fleet laying waste to such DREK as Tsunami Kate's and ze hot tub und the ever ridiculous pirates in fun pants!!! und mister tom the only thing smokink here is the Panama Red you must be smokink in your pipe und now ze lovely pirate wench Tempest at least you have good taste in liquor; if you don't by parading around in spandex velvet tights

"Und now to ze ladies...... every brasier will be removed and tossed onto ze fire!!! Und zer will be no lace or thong or bikini knickers you will each be expected to present yourselves in period crothless pantaloons and underpinnings with no exceptions with bodices of the proper period designs (no Victorian corsets trying to be passed off as period correct bodices) with proper whalebone stays; unless you choose to shed female attire all together and dress and perform as men on board ships of the Master Crew! But ve will only accept 1% of female crew members; ze rest must be either harlots or servink wenches or zey must leave ze pub area!!!

"take zis girly man in ze red dress out und keel haul him ....und for future reference i do no vear undervear it is a decadence ve will not permit" "now ze first point of our inspection will begin ....let me zee your feet i do not want to see any man or woman wearink shoes zat vere made from cows killed and tanned after 1720!!! zey are not authentic pirate shoes ......und zey vill be hand cobbled!! failure to have ze proper footvear vill result in the deportation to ze nearest VAL-MART und assigned greeter duties!!!"

Ve will tolerate no fancy pantz pirates here luitnant take ziz man out und shoot him zen hang him!!! Zer vill no no reference to nazi's here! Zat is an insult to ze Master Crew und such insults vill not be tolerated! Ve have taken over zis island and you are now under ze order of ze MASTER CREW!!!!!

Vile all ze scurvvy dogs vithin the pub are laughink at der apparent defeat of the zwei spanish pirates; zeh fail to notice the landing of 25,000 crack imperial pirates of ze Master Crew. Zey have landed from the 1000 ships zat surround ze island. Ze Blitz landing! Ze door to ze pub blasts open with the force of 25, 24lb cannon!!!! As ze smoke begins to clear, ze pirates see 200 storm pirates rush into ze pub with zer blunderbuss gleamink from a fresh polishink und behind them comes the most fearful sight of all .............. ADMIRAL VON UBER PIRATE ................ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo "Ve of ze Master Crew have taken an interest in zis harbor und ze worthless inhabitants here. Ve have no intention of allowink inferior pirates to debase the purity of ze hallowed image of pirates everywhere!" He strides back and forth ze floor of ze pub wit his right hand on his formidable Prussian pistol, with a precision made spyglass with 500mm Zeiss optics tucked under his left arm. "Ve vill line up every pirate in zis island to see who passes our high standards of piratical perfection. Zose passing (which I assume will be perhaps ..........none!!!) vill be permitted to remain as pirates within ze Master Crew's fleet of perfect pirates." "All others vill be stripped of their frivolous titles and comissions and zent to work at VAL-MART ....und you vill not be allowed to ever vander about besmerchink the image of pirate perfection ....und remember resistance is futile ....ve know vhere you live und ve know vhere your families are"