Hawkey

Mates, I wanna take a brief moment or so to tell ye about the Third Annual PirateCon NYC. For ye swabbies what not be knowin', PirateCon takes its basic premise from SantaCon, 'ceptin' that, 'stead o' ye dressin' as Kris Kringle, ye dress up as pirates! (Well, duh!) Ye need but secure yerself a sensible Pirate outfit (and the shirt, pants and boots) to get in on all th' doin's; fortunately, me adventure began with me almost makin' the wrong guess (as usual), and thinkin' --- illogically, o' course! --- that ye olde South Street Seaport would be the place where I'd find me fellow Brethren an' Sisters o' th' Coast. Wrong again, Panavision-fer-brains (that be what I often call me scurvy self when I screws somethin' up, just like ta make that clear)! They were all gather'd in front o' th' Farley Post Office Buildin', I rendezvous'd wi' em, first at the aptly named Local Bar an' grill, right across th' street! I was lucky enuf to be joinin' the subsequent PirateCon Parade, afore the scurvy knaves runnin' Local could tell me (un-nicely, mind ye) ta leave the facility, luckily fer me, the Buccaneers all left; prior ta this, I managed ta be tellin a few o' 'em the Electric Pirates Entertainment story (Hoist yer knickers to http://www.dragonmasternewyork.webs.com/awordaboutepe.htm if'n ye wanna know th' tale yerselves!). We then proceeded toward High Line Park, and made the long march toward the Fryin' Pan Bar an' Grill at Hudson River Park; at which point I decamped from the lot, the better ta rendezvous wi' 'em at Washington Square Park. When we were properly reunited, I joined them again ta see me new Pirate pals off to Wicked Willy's Bar on Bleecker an' Thompson Streets in Greenwich Village, and at that point, I bid me new shipmates farewell! So thank'ee kindly, me new shipmates, fer the adventure we shar'd on a jolly (Roger) Saturday afternoon! O' course, me toesies ended up bein' ouch'd up a skosh, but what in thunder. PIRATE POWER!

Who knew, sez I, that ol' Blackbeard could croon a tune? Y'know, methinks there oughta be a full DVD collection o' them thar Horrible Histories! Who's wi' me on that, sez I?

Y'know, fella bilge rats, 'tis bin a while since I last paid a visit here. Fer them what don't know, I've been tryna reach out t' at least a few o' me fella Pirates; alas, I know not whar everyone be. And, as usual, me fellow New Yorkers are so bloomin' blase (Aaargh!) that the only legitimate place what hath ye gumption ta cellybrate Talk Like a Pirate Day --- other'n me! --- is a Greenwich Village bar named Wicked Willy's! Ahoy, ya blarsted Byg Appyl bilgies! Won't ye cellybrate Talk Like a Pirate Day wi' yer 'umble Hawk?

Ahoy, me 'earties! 26 years ago today, I embraced the Pirate world fer the first time. In that dark weekend afore I turned 20, I was the only landlubber what dared love Roman Polanski's PIRATES --- or, at least, love it enuf to appreciate it --- and I thought I were alone. But that day, Saturday, July 19th, 1986, nobody wanted a Pirate movie around, blarst it all! So, channelin' ol' Blackbeard's dear spirit, an' adoptin' the ol' rogue as me Corporate Mascot and Principal Spokespirate, I founded Electric Pirates Entertainment and its parent company, EPE Holdings. Now, here I be, 26 years later, and look what's happen'd ta me: EPE will, if certain landlubbers git off their blarsted butts, have its very first legitimate credit ta be speakin' of --- a documentary movie called Quite an Imagination. I wish I could say in words what a thrill that'd be, me mates! Aargh! Let this foolish ol' Hawk thank all those what made all me adventures thus far possible, both within an' beyond the Pirate world! Big blarsted Pirate hugs to ya, each an' all!

Today, mateys, this ol' Hawk acknowledges a most 'orrible loss. Last Wednesday, alas, we lost a true Pirate in every sense o' th' word --- well, at least he was that as far I be concern'd: Rabbi Abraham Novitsky, better known to his friends an' shipmates as the colorful, wacky, an' ferciously silly Rabbi Abraham Abraham, died in his beloved Coney Island, Brooklyn, He were 77, and lived all 'is life in Coney, and the surroundin' Brighton Beach vicinity. He was that rarity among New Yorkers: a true New York character, an' one o' Brooklyn as well. In 1999, he ruled the annual Coney Island Mermaid Parade as its King Neptune, and, true ter his legend, lived up to making his own rules that year. An' that weren't all. When that landlubber David Blaine dared to freeze 'isself silly fer 86 hours, whilst 'oisted above th' airspace o' Times Square, well, it didn't take the ol' Rabbi long to make a bid ta top it. This he did by constructin' his very own igloo, made o' huge chunks o' ice. There the Rabbi spent a mammoth 110 hours --- and, by th' powers, he beat that little record but good, sez I! Rabbi Abraham was founder an' organizer o' the Coney Island Ice-Breakers --- those loons what be spendin' New Year's Day in the ocean for a yearly swim. His last such swim occured in early January. (Sniffle!) I hope ye mates don't mind me gittin' a bit emotional over the loss of this true-heart'd Pirate (Sniffle!), but if'n I were you lot, I'd raise me tankards o' rum in humble salute! (Honk!) Godspeed, Rabbi Abraham Abraham! May Davy Jones an' Neptune hisself treat ye kindly, and with all the honor what be due to ye! (Sniffle!)

I've had more'n me share o' history when anyone tells (or tries t' tell) the tale o' Roman Polanski's PIRATES. This be, after all, the movie what turned young, beanrakish, naive then 20-year-old Richard --- that would be me --- into boisterous, burly now 46-year-old Ricky, th' Hawk o' the Drive! Conceived by Polanski an' 'is writing partner, Gerard Brach, in 1974, and keelhaul'd at various points during the 1980's fer lack o' booty, PIRATES was rescued, sez I, by one Tarak ben Ammar, who then tossed $30 million o' 'is own d'bloons into setting up a studio just fer this one movie. By July o' 1986, PIRATES had taken alla 12 years ta reach the big screen --- but, as ya knows, only this foolish ol' Hawk loved the film, an' appreciated it fer what it was. 26 years later, I be happy knowin' I ain't alone as one a' them what loves the adventures of Cap'n Thomas Bartholomew Red and 'is loyal first-mate Jean-Pierre, a/k/a th' Frog. (Oh yeah; did I be mentionin' that it be the very raison d'etre fer me one-person, one-Pirate production company, Electric Pirates Entertainment? I, o' course, be the one person; the one Pirate be no less than Blackbeard himself; indeed, he be me Corporate Mascot and Principal Spokespirate!)

Now that be a good question. If'n I had a ship, I'd call her the Bobbie Lou, fer Robert Louis Stevenson, o' course! And it'd be a full-fledg'd Pirate ship, dedicated to all good-hearted Buccaneers everywhere! And o' course, the first thing ye'd see upon enterin' the Cap'n's Quarters would be me favorite Pirate poem: The meeker the man, the more Pirate he, Snug in his armchair, far from the sea, And reason commends his position: He has all o' the fun and none o' the woes, Masters the ladies an' scuttles his foes, And cheats both the noose an' perdition!

Unfortunately, Freddie, there ain't no one what had th' ability to secure th' domestic home-video rights t' Polanski's PIRATES. That be becuz the Cannon Group, the film's original U.S. distributor, no longer exists. Alas, the film is now public-domain, which means that after 25 years, under U.S. intellectual-property laws, anybody can do whatever with this particular film. There ain't many people who have th' knowledge to restore this film to its former state. Remember, it were in theatrical release all of 12 days in New York and L.A. alone in July 1986, before being withdrawn shortly afterwards.

Well, me buckos, tomorrow the black banner of the Jolly Roger is 'oisted over the airspace of 500 South Buena Vista Street in Burbank, Californy --- The Walt Disney Studios, in case ye ain't figger'd it out --- fer the 15th time in Disney's 89 years o' filmmakin', assumin' that ye starts with Disney's 1950 Treasure Island. For ye lovers o' Blackbeard, this be a particularly auspicious moment, as Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides marks Ed'ard Teach's first major-studio movie appearance in more'n 50 years. Here be a look-see at Blackbeard's feature film resume. That would be those movies what bin theatrically released, mind ye! Sydney Ayres were the first acter to portray our patron saint of Piracy, in a 1911 silent film about Blackbeard; after that, there'd be a very long lull in further movies about him until 1951, when one Louis Bacigalupi (1908-1966) portrayed him in Universal Pictures' Pirate musical swashbuckler Double Crossbones (1951), directed by Fred de Cordova, an' starrin' Donald O'Connor. That same year, Thomas Gomez took on the role, in 20th Century-Fox's Anne of the Indies, alongside Jean Peters an' Louis Jourdan. Then, in 1952, as ev'ry Pirate movie lover be knowin', Robert Newton --- patron saint o' Talk Like a Pirate Day --- assum'd the role in RKO-Radio's Blackbeard, the Pirate, wi' Keith Andes, Linda Darnell an' William Bendix. Released Christmas Day 1952, Blackbeard, the Pirate, directed by Raoul Walsh, were th' film wi' that rawther icky endin,' when Blackbeard's crew mutiny an' bury him up ter 'is neck ter drown him fer his thwarted dubble-crossin' o' his own shipmates! Two years later, 1954, a Michael Ross essay'd the role, in Edward Small's production Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl, directed by Lew Landers, an' featurin' Anthony Dexter an' Eva Gabor in the title roles. Finally, in 1960, Murvyn Vye did somethin' Blackbeard never did: blowin' bubble gum, in Bert I. Gordon's The Boy and the Pirates. From 1966 until the present day, Blackbeard's subsequent film career has been relegated to various made-fer-TV movies an' documentaries, videogames an' at least one direct-to-video movie, Moonbeam Entertainment's Magic Island (1995), where Andy Divoff challeng'd then young star Zachary Ty Bryan to seekin' out ol' Teach's treasure! The last time Blackbeard did sumthin' fer Disney was 1968. The movie was Blackbeard's Ghost, with Peter Ustinov in the lead, and Dean Jones and Suzanne Pleshette as his shipmates. Now, Blackbeard be the newest of the Disney Pirates --- and as ye knows, mateys, he's got a standard ta uphold! Mark me words, mateys: This new Blackbeard will surely join Cap'n Jack Sparrow, Commodore Hector Barbossa, an' ol' Squidbeard hisself, Davy Jones, as the Buccaneers th' fans'll be lovin' once they show 'emselves at th' Disney Parks! Ye kin sense th' hexcitement already now, can't ye mates? Aye, so can this ol' Hawk! Prepare yerselves now, shipmates! Party time, sez I!

Lately, me 'earties, forces have bin put to work determined that yers truly, Ricky, th' Hawk o' the Drive, not have a nice day. Indulge me, ye black-hearted scallywags, whilst I elaborate: There've bin swabs giving me port --- that would be me apartment --- what they calls an "extreme makeover." Actually, these dogs have been in and out o' me house, replasterin', repaintin' and otherwise inspectin' the walls of me domicile. Believe me, mateys --- this Pirate job tends t' be tough, ferocious an' silly. But the only thing that would cause me t' guzzle some rum would be a few Pirate music-makers: concertina, flute, vocals, guitar, fiddle and drinks all around (Diet Coke, mostly). Look, after Easter, I ain't doin' much until the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, so I wants to see all you Pirate-lovin' good guys out there in June! Then, if ye be nice, I'll spin ya th' yarn that IS The Electric Pirates Story! Stay tuned, shipmates! Hawkey

Arrrr! Plague upon Borders, sez I! They've already closed their Murray Hill store near New York University Medical Center; and yet their Columbus Circle and Herald Square branches remain open. And methinks they've lied all along about their Park Avenue branch, too! Either that, er I'll hafta guess! Y'know, fer a bookstore what's declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Borders sure knows how t' lie t' its customers! And as ye knows, Pirates don't take kindly to liars! Had I the will, I'd take th' ol' cat-o'-nine-tails out an' give their scurvy CEO 40 lashes!

Ahoy, me Pirate Pals! So, is everybody ready fer Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides? I be hopin' so! For ye newbies here at the Pyracy Pub, this 'ere be the 15th official time the black banner o' th' Jolly Roger bin 'oisted above 500 South Buena Vista Street --- for ye 'thout treasure maps, that thar would be The Walt Disney Studios --- and it's Blackbeard the Pirate's first major-studio motion-picture appearance in nearly 50 years! (It also be ol' Teach's first time takin' over Disney since 1968!) This ol' Hawk knows there be a great many o' ye landlubbers out there what wants more o' Jack Sparrow. Well, ye got him --- and a wee bit more! Blackbeard's a dad, and his daughter be played by the luscious Penelope Cruz; and Ted n' Terry be in charge o' the screenplay like always. Still, I'd be keepin' a weather eye on director Rob Marshall's resume if'n I was you; I wouldn't want this Pirates adventure becomin' a musical, now, would I? Anywho, mates, let's guzzle some rum, make some noise and get every last Pirate out there --- full Pirate regalia, if you please! I won't be satisfied wi' any less! As ever, Yer auld shipmate, Ricky, th' Hawk o' the Drive P.S.: Could one o' ye post a .pdf of Pirates Magazine, Issue #13? I still ain't seen it, and I feel grumpy becuz o' it!

Well, landlubbers, I be a little bit back on track. If'n only I had a few spyglasses at me disposal. For there be this computer service in ye Bronx what calls itself Vision 21 Networks. Last few times I've tried to reach these sillies, I've got naught save their blarsted answerin' machine. Methinks the so-called 'proprietor' be sendin' a few o' his flunkies ta do his dirty work! Aarrrrr! Now, I gotta get tough an' very likely make an in-person appearance at their facilities, just so I can find out what they be up to. It be amazin', sez I, th' trubble I subject meself to just ta git me beloved laptop computer back! Hopefully, things'll be nice and sane by tamarra. One can only hope. More to grumble about soon. Yer humble Hawk

The basics: BIRTHDATE: 07-26-1965. ENTERED PIRATE WORLD: 07-18-1986. PIRATE NAME: Ricky, th' Hawk o' the Drive. MISSION: To seek out the weird, the wild, and the misunderstood in all facets of the entertainment community. PIRATE HERO: Blackbeard, the Most Dangerous Pirate on Earth (which be why I made him me Corporate Mascot/Principal Spokespirate). HEIGHT: 6'1". WEIGHT: 160 lbs. CUTLASS: None. ADVENTURES: Previously involved in local public-access television; stumbled onto live comedy theatre; author, two unpublished children's books; recently completed filming documentary movie; Buccaneer enthusiast. There ya go, mates. Now ya knows enuf t' go on with.....

Well, let's face it --- it ain't exactly what I were hopin' fer. Snow remnants, sludge, the 'ole town is totally overrun with AM New Yorks an' Metros, ya can't find a decent New York Times when ye wants it --- and on top o' that, most swabs'll tend t' disappoint me. That, an' I needs me a new laptop computer in th' worst way. If'n ya got a leftover laptop computer ya ain't usin' no more, I'll be more'n happy to take it off yer hands, sez I! And I make that same invite to all here! Hawkey